Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, two of my favorite boys grow up a day.

The bigger one will leave his beloved twenties behind and take on the responsibility of a thirty-year-old! 

I tease him about it, of course, because I have to, being that I am 3 years younger.  But I have a feeling that our thirties are going to be some of the best years yet.  Raising our family.  Our kids starting school.  Hopefully adding more kids to the mix somehow.  Maybe moving.  Maybe a new career direction for Jordan.  Who knows.  I'm excited for this new era in my hubby's life.

 

And I'm SO happy that it is him that I am doing life with.  He's such a servant.  His actions convict me to be more giving.  He's an amazing father.  Regardless of the kind of day he's had at work, he pushes it all aside and gets down on the floor with Jude to spend every moment he can with him.  Family comes first with this man.  

He's passionate.  About our marriage.  His family.  Music.  Politics.  History.  Truth.  Christ.  Discipleship.  The Church.  Reading the word every day.  Get him started on any of these topics and you'll know what I mean.

He's quirky.  Spontaneous dances in the kitchen are not unheard of.  Crazy nick-names for everyone in the house (I'm surprised anyone knows their real name).  The goofy voices he uses when reading to Jude.  

He knows who he is.  In Christ.  As a man.  And that is super attractive.

Then there is this little guy, who will be 10 months old tomorrow (although these beautiful pictures were taken when he was 7 months old).  I'm savoring his last day as a single-digit baby.  But we'll have more updates on how crazy much he's grown in the past month tomorrow.  Just looking at this picture it blows my mind how much a baby can grow in a few months.

All of that to say, I love my little (growing) family.  I'm so excited for what this next season holds for us!

Happy last-day-of-being-29, my love!

...

2012 :: Time to be filled.

I was going to write a post about my resolutions for 2012.  I don't know why... I've never made resolutions.  But it's what people do, right?  So, I was going to write about things I intended to do.  Go to bed earlier.  Read more.  Be better about cleaning house. 

But these are all superficial.  And they don't truly reflect the change I desire in my life... my heart and spirit.

It's hard to really be honest sometimes.  But I've been in a big-time spiritual funk the past few months.  I'm allowing my heart and mind to be filled with junk.  With TV shows that encourage many of the things I know God hates.  With time gone wasted on the internet instead of productive.  With hours gone by that I haven't been intentional about connecting with my husband and son.  I haven't been guarding my heart or filling my mind with things that are worthy, true, right, pure, lovely... and I can feel the distance.  I've been lazy when it comes to taking care of me.  And I can't really give myself to others if I'm not filled.

I'm really not saying this to throw a pity party.  I think there are many many young moms who, like me, are tired, and find it easier to be mindless instead of mindful.  I'm saying this because I have tasted what it is to abide and I'm am now going to choose to turn fill my life with goodness instead of worldly emptiness. 

I read this today from Sally Clarkson's blog (author of many excellent motherhood books)... and it convicted me.

My concern, today, is that many young moms, exposed to contemporary culture, don’t even have a model or understanding of what is good. Christianity is mediocre and weak and insipid because the souls of believers are as empty, shallow and contaminated as the fallen culture that surrounds us. One cannot watch garbage and violence and adultery and not be effected. One cannot feed on what is shallow and not become shallow.

In the same way that cancer and diabetes are growing rapidly and devastating many lives because of the intake of what is unhealthy in our foods, products and environment, so our souls will die and become ill and infected if they are always surrounded by garbage, pollutants, contaminants.

One cannot pass on what one does not himself have, and so if we want to pass on health and beauty and goodness, then we ourselves must discipline ourselves to invest and pour into our minds and souls truth from scripture, seek out wise people, read great books and thoughts as well as protect our souls from all that is base.

So, my goal for 2012?  To be serious about cultivating my soul.  To fill my, and my family's, life with things that are right, good, noble, pure, worthy... and to be intentional about this.  To pour into my child(ren... there will be TWO in 2012!) the love of Christ.  To stop just letting time pass by with mindless emptiness.

A lot of my previous "resolutions" will fit into this.  I do want to go to bed earlier so I can wake up before Jude and have the opportunity to get into the word.  I do want to read more... because this means filling my mind with uplifting things, and it means I am not on the computer or watching TV.  I do want to be more productive around my house.  It is a way to serve my family... and my lack in doing this shows a lack in my spirit to serve.  You may not think the state of your heart is reflected in your home, but often, for me, it is.  I do want to have intentional quality family time.  We need date nights.  Jordan needs daddy/son nights.  I need me/God date nights... time away to read/renew/pray.

Lots of goals... but all very good.  It will be hard to say, "no" to many of the empty temptations I so often fall into.  But it will be so worth it.

What changes do you want to see in your heart, family, life in 2012?  I'm not talking weight loss (although we all know that will be on the list sans baby #2).  But what about you?  How do you need to trust the Lord this next year?  What is He asking you to give up?  What is He asking you to lean on Him for?  How do you plan to pour into your kids?  How are you going to make sure you are abiding?  What will you be reading in 2012?

I really hope to blog more about this specific topic.  Intentional living... motherhood... the ups and downs and challenges and triumphs.  I'd love it if you all would share and join me.

August memories.

Far too many summers have gone by without me digging my feet into the sand and walking in the waves.  Not this one!  I really have no excuse, living in West Michigan within an hour of a few beaches.  But of course, in previous years work always seemed to get in the way.

Hubby and I decided to take our sabbath at the beach this weekend.  Call it an extension of our anniversary weekend. :-)  But the fresh air and waves were much needed. 

Trying out the Ergo for the first time.  We decided he might not be big enough for it yet.  Either that or we're doing it wrong - he looks kinda squished!

Picnic @ the beach.

Walking the pier.

Little pumpkin face.

He fell asleep shortly after this... treasuring these moments. :-)

I love making new memories with our little family.  It was SO nice to get out and enjoy the fresh air.  We told ourselves we would do this more often.

What plans do you have to squeeze in this summer yet?

A day that changed everything.

5 years ago today I woke up with my heart full of anticipation and excitement.  Much to my surprise, I still slept well the night before {thanks be to God!}.  But August 19, 2006 would be the day my heart would become one with the man I love.

I remember on my way to the church, stopping by a Walgreens to pick up some extra bobby-pins and hair-spray.  Using my credit card, I signed my maiden name for the last time.  Such an odd feeling.  But I was thrilled to start a new family... and truly, to grow our existing families.  I am SO SO SO blessed... and thankful to have had YOU to call family for the past 5 years.

Our story started as friends until a mission trip building habitat houses gave each of us a deeper look at each others hearts.  And we knew that we wouldn't be the same.  We dated for 11 months before becoming engaged, and were married 6 months later.  I was 21.  Looking back, it sounds so rushed... but sometimes love does that to you.  I know today I wouldn't have done it any other way.

It is funny how when you have something GOOD... something God-given and full of truth and love... how Satan tries to taint it.  Our first year of marriage was HARD.  We'll tell that to anyone.  There is nothing like marriage to show you your own selfishness and sin.  It is something you must fight for.  And fight we have.  We need to decide daily to stop fighting each other {reminding each other I am not your enemy}, and in turn fight for oneness in our marriage.  Fight for Christ-centeredness.  Fight against worldliness and the MANY things that try to devalue marriage.  No, we will fight for US until the day we die.

And there is NO ONE ELSE I'd rather be on this journey with.  I have to say this past year I have seen more than any other year what an amazing, Godly man I have married.  He put me first time and time again when I was pregnant.  Served me hand and foot.  Drove around town to buy me food I could tolerate (and went to fetch me McFlurries on multiple occasions).  He always offers to get up to get me a glass of water or make me a cup of tea.  He does the laundry and dishes without asking.  He loves his little boy more than anything.  {P.S. How attractive is a man caring for their baby??}

And he loves me unconditionally.  Good and bad.  Messy.  Unorganized.  Sometimes emotional.  Me.

The wonderful girls we shared our day with.

The best wedding reception ever {in my opinion} as friends and family provided the entertainment.  Love love love.

Happy 5 years babe. 

Freeze this moment.

We had a such a pleasant, calm, relaxing Sunday afternoon.  Just lazy.  Isn't that what Sundays are for anyway?  Intentional nothingness.

Last night was a LATE night after Jordan's band played at Founders for their final show.  I haven't been out that late in a long time.  Not that I haven't been UP late... or frequently.  :-)  But it meant that today was for rest.

There was a moment of about 15 or 20 minutes when Jordan brought out his neglected acoustic guitar and entertained all of us with some of his talents.  He will just sit and play whatever comes to his heart.  He's good like that.

I think we were all a bit caught up in how good that felt.

 

This is pretty much what the afternoon looked like.  Jordan jamming, Jude rolling {and sucking on his now-wrinkled toes}, and me snapping away.  I've been self-teaching myself to try to take photos in manual mode.  I know our camera can take better pictures than I have been taking... and the reason is moi.  I'm not educated.  We have decided that, instead of paying someone every 3 or 6 months to take milestone photos of Jude, we are going to invest in a nicer lens for our Nikon D40 and take them ourselves.  Jordan has more expertise with the camera than I do, but I want to get to be better friends with it.  

It also has come to my attention that Jude is growing up VERY QUICKLY.  Like FAST.  SUPER fast.  Remember when I just gave birth, like, yesterday?  Well somehow he is now rolling and laughing and is slowly losing that baby-ish-ness and is turning into a little boy.  So, my goal?  Document.  Lots of pictures.  Lots and lots.  Daily pictures.  I won't post them all on here, but expect a lot more cute baby photo bombs.  I don't think anyone will mind. :-)

I'd love to see some of your favorite pics of your little ones.  Or your loved ones.  Or just your creative outlet.  I know there are closet readers out there who blog themselves.  I can't tell you how many people will randomly tell me "I read your blog."  And I'm shocked!!  I want to know who you are!  I write because I love to write.  I also write because I love to share life with other people.  That is you.  

So I am asking you to reveal yourself!  See that "follow" button on the side?  Click "Join this site".  Then I can know who you are and share the love.  

Believe it or not - I have a Google Reader list a mile long.  I do read your blogs... and don't comment enough, but I have resolved to do so.  This is just one more way to share life, encourage, and love on one another. 

Happy Daddy's Day.

There is something about seeing your husband become a father that makes you fall in love in a whole new way.  Just when you think you couldn't love a person more, parenthood increases your love a million-fold.  For the man that was already in my life, and a little man that is new in my life.

Watching Jordan get on the floor and make crazy noises and faces for our little guy is one of the most attractive things ever.  He is already an amazing father, and I can't wait to see him grow.  He has big plans for his relationship with our little guy.  From teaching him to ride a bike, to basketball camp, to reading the Narnia tales to him, to fishing and hiking, to teaching him how to be a man, love the Lord, and follow Christ.  He sets a great example.

Happy Father's Day to the man I love.  And also to my own daddy, and my dad-in-law who showed us how to do this parenting thing right.

My favorite picture of Jordan and Jude... only hours old.  Pure love.

Baby Twilight Zone

That's where I am... in the baby twilight zone.  Becoming a parent will totally turn your world upside down.  Talk about being selfless in a whole new way.  It is 100% about Jude.  100%.  No less.  And I love it, but it sure is a transition and a change of pace.  It takes some getting used to.  But it is utterly and completely amazing.  I love being a mommy. 

So my BABY is 12 days old.  That seems so very short when I think of how much I have learned and how much I have gotten to know him.  I feel like I've known him forever.  And I feel like I gave birth forever.  At the same time... looking back at Jude's pictures from his very first day, I can already see this little man growing up.  His cheeks are chunking up, he's already getting his baby double chin, and he's just looking older.  I just want to say STOP!  Stay little!!  But I know these days will fly by.  I'm going to enjoy each and every one of them!

So here are some things I have learned, loved, found amazing in my 12 days of motherhood.

1) I am amazed at how Jude knew me right from the start.  He immediately responded to my voice and was instantly soothed when he was near me and could hear my heartbeat.  I just LOVE that he knew me from those 9 months I carried him.  Such precious moments.

2) Baby instincts are amazing.  We've been blessed to be able to breastfeed quite well right off the bat.  Jude is a little champion eater.  He was born at 7lbs 11oz... got down to 7lbs 4oz in the hospital, and on Friday April 1st was already back up to 7lbs 7.5oz.  We have our next appointment on Monday, and he has to be back at his birth weight.  I'm thinking we'll be pushing 8lbs or more by that point.  Breastfeeding is also about trust... I never expected to worry that my baby was getting enough to eat, but it is hard for me to not be able to measure how much he is getting.  I just have to trust Jude's cues and my instincts and the fact that his cheeks are chubbier than the day before.

3) I love watching my husband be a daddy.  If I didn't love the man already, I sure do now.  Jordan is amazing with Jude.  He will drop everything to care for him and has a way of entertaining Jude that nobody can top.  He told me the other day he had a conversation with Jude, telling him all the things they were going to do together.  Melts my heart!

4) Postpartum hormones are the real deal.  I feel "normal" most of the time (whatever that means anymore)... but all of the sudden I will feel like I need to burst into tears for no apparent reason.  Just emotional.  I also break out into a sweat for no reason... that is fun.  Especially at night.  I feel like that should be calming down anytime now... really.

5) I have been surprised at how difficult recovery has been for me.  I am totally fine emotionally with the fact that I needed a c-section.  I know I made it clear that avoiding that was my motivation for pursuing a natural birth.  But of course, as I have said, God and Jude had other plans and Jude is here and healthy and that is all I wanted.  But the recovery is something I didn't expect.  It was days before I could get out of bed and pick up my own baby.  I have felt like I cannot care for my baby and that was overwhelmingly frustrating for me.  I don't know if my recovery was harder because of the 80 hours of labor (I'd imagine so), but I had no idea what to expect, because I didn't expect to need surgery.  In any case... I'm feeling significantly better now.  Today was the first day I did not experience any real pain or the need to stop and ice my incision or something.  So we are moving forward. :-)  Just being honest!


6) Lately I am just eager to figure out what our new "normal" is.  Life will never be the same... and I am ready to figure out what my new life is going to be like - because right now I truly feel like I am in the baby twilight zone and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel where I might finally feel like I know what I'm doing and be able to plan my life... but until then, it is just me and Jude figure this whole thing out.  It is hard to not worry about every little thing.  How often or long are babies supposed to eat?  Is my baby too gassy?  How much is normal for a baby to spit up?  Blah blah blah... all of these are in my google search history. :-)  But I'm figuring it out, and I already know that motherhood is going to change me and challenge me in ways I've never ever been stretched before. :-)

And now for some cuteness.

The meaning of Jude.

Jordan and I put a lot of thought into our son's name.  But truth be told, I knew our baby's name was going to be Jude all along. :-)  I fell in love with the name even before we knew we were having a boy.  I just had a strong feeling that our baby was "Jude".

We went through a lot (though not near as much as some) to have this baby.  We tried for awhile, and then had a miscarriage.  When I found out we were pregnant again I was overwhelmed with just joy and praise and thanks.

And that is the meaning of the name Jude in hebrew.

Jude: Praise; Thanks

Obviously it is a biblical name (there is a book in the bible called Jude) and that was very important to us as well.  And then my family has a tradition of passing along middle names.  My dad's middle name is Michael and I wanted to keep with this tradition.  Michael means: who is like God?

So that is where the name came from.  I fell in love with it long ago. :-)  It took awhile to get Jordan on board, mainly because he was afraid everyone would think we got it from the Beatle's song "Hey Jude".  Which, really, it's a great song.  I have no problem with my son's name being in that song. :-)  And I'm sure it will be sung to him a time or two in his life.

The one I love.

 

{Date night!  37 weeks pregnant on March 5.}

This man is amazing.  Just gotta throw that out there. :-)  Last weekend we went on a date that consisted of Thai food and a movie.  It is so weird to view every weekend as our potential "last" alone.  Life is about to change in a crazy awesome way - but we are trying to take advantage of the time we have together where it is still just about us.  I can't wait to see Jordan as a father.  I just know he is going to be amazing.

Who are you?

Pregnancy is a weird thing when you really think about it.  I mean, there is another human being that is living inside of me - that I am the soul life support for.  And this human being will one day {soon} be out of the womb and thrust into a foreign world.  He will grow up to have his own interests, abilities, talents, emotions, behaviors, tendencies, etc.  I find myself wondering... who is this boy that is growing inside of me?  Will he be laid back or strong-willed?  Will he be outgoing or shy?  Will he have the same passion for music that Jordan and I have?  Will he have blonde hair or... not? {sorry baby boy, but pretty sure you are most certainly going to have blue eyes}  Will he be tall like his daddy?

I love dreaming about who this baby boy is.  But at the same time - every moment I have with him is so fleeting.  I am trying my hardest to enjoy every second of this pregnancy, as badly as I want to meet him, because I know I will only be pregnant with him once.  I will only feel him kicking inside of me for another 3 months {or so}.  I am trying not to wish the days away....

But... baby boy - I am so so so very excited to meet you!!!!!

{Who will you be more like?}

 

{baby Jordan}

 

{baby Lindsy... so sorry if you get these cheeks... but I am still holding out that you have a slight possibility of getting (and keeping) that dark hair (unlike your mama).}

 

{baby Jordan again... :-) } 

 

{baby Lindsy again}

Thankful {even in suffering}

I have MUCH to be thankful for.

But today I am going to talk about something kind of different.  Emma, at work, got me thinking about being thankful in our sufferings.  At our staff meeting this week, we went around and shared an example of something that was hard for us in the past year, but that we saw God's hand in and so we were able to be thankful.  I knew right away what my answer would be, but knowing that it would be emotional for me, it took me awhile to figure out how to talk about it.

This past year was the most painful of my life.  When we experienced the miscarriage at the end of May, I struggled and suffered unlike any time I have ever known.  It was so hard for me to wrap my mind around why God would allow that to happen to me... and to understand why I had such a hard time finding peace.  It never shook my belief, but it TOTALLY shook my understanding of God's sovereignty, because I was closer than I had ever been before.  I was forced to trust in his goodness even though I was in so much pain.

Early last summer, there was a series of messages at Crossroads Bible Church (where Jordan and I are members) about suffering, and embracing your suffering because it is in those moments that we are close to Christ and can relate to HIS suffering.  We talked a lot in our small group about suffering well and suffering in Christ and what that meant.  I knew the timing was perfect for where I was in my life... but now, looking back, even though it is still emotional for me to talk about, I can SO CLEARLY see the hand of God in my life during that time.  He was my comfort.  I felt that I was able to identify with the suffering of Christ in a new way, and appreciated God's gift of his son (and his death) more than I ever have been able to before.  I grew up a lot this summer, in ways that I know that I never would have, had I never experienced such pain.  For that, I am thankful. :-)

And NOW - I am thankful for this wonderful wiggle worm of a son I have in my belly.  I still can hardly believe how God has blessed us with this child and shown himself to be SO GOOD.  I just cannot wait to meet this little guy.

More than anything this past year, I have grown to see my husband in a completely different way.  Let me tell you, this man is amazing.  I can honestly say, I had no idea how good of a man I had when I married him (and I still knew he was pretty cool - HAH).  But in the past year, he has just served and served and served me.  When I was at my lowest point, even though (as a man) I knew he didn't understand my pain, he did his best to... and he just let me be where I was, without asking me to change or heal or get up from the couch. :-)  He just loved me where I was.  That spoke volumes to me.  And now, in this pregnancy, he continues to serve me... putting my needs above his, constantly working and running himself into the ground to provide for me and our child and making sure the house is in order when I have just been too exhausted to do anything.  He is the real deal, you all.  He seeks Christ with his WHOLE heart and just cares for people in such a genuine way.  He makes me want to love and serve better, and be a better person.  I feel like my words haven't done justice to how amazing he has been to me.  All I can say is, I LOVE this man, and I am SO SO thankful for him.  I don't know how I got so lucky.  He is going to be an amazing father, and I can't wait to journey with him into parenthood.

*whew* How is that for an emotional post.

Here is that awesome man I am talking about.

 {Jordan and I... taken October 2010}