what two has taught me

How can I even put into words the change that happened in my life two years ago when he was born?  My own flesh and blood.  My heart, staring back at me.  A love carrying a responsibility and joy that I've never felt before.

Two years ago, 7:23am, my sweet Jude Michael was born.

And sweet he is.  In-between the non-stop running, jumping, train-and-tractor-loving, rowdy two-year-old that he now is.  The kid daily breaks a sweat just running in circles around our house.  But he always was a Mama's boy and he still is.

Even at two, he often wants to be held.  Asking for a hug.  They may only last for .2 seconds, but this boy needs affection.  He needs his snuggles and kisses.  And then, just like that, he's done.  Off to build legos or play race cars.

It's only been two years out of my twenty-eight-and-a-half, but I still find it difficult to remember life without him.  But I do know that I am a better person because of him.

He's taught me a bit about selflessness.  And how I'm far more selfish than selfless.

He's taught me about patience.  And that I don't have nearly enough without whispering prayers throughout my day.

He's taught me about responsibility and intentionality.  Two things I carry on my shoulders.

He's taught me to not take life so darn serious and just be goofy once in awhile.  (Just ask him if he's a duck.)

He's taught me that trains, tractors, bulldozers, cranes, tow-trucks, mixers, diggers, and dump trucks are very very important and they each have a specific name and purpose.

He's taught me that the 5 second rule really exists.

He's taught me that childhood is not as long as it once felt.

He's taught me that the seemingly monotonous day-to-day routine is where the kingdom work happens.

He's given me more of a sneak peek of the unconditional love that the Father has for us.

Jude Michael.  The first most precious gift ever given to me.  I am so blessed to be your Mama and to guide you in this journey as you grow.  You are a joy, and I love you.  Even when you are acting your age.

Happy 2nd Birthday, my sweet boy.

Isaac Lee's birth story....

* * * I know many of you have asked about this post! A week or so ago I started writing it and accidentally published instead of saved.  It wasn't finished!  I am just now finding time to complete this story.  Thanks for your patience! * * *

I need to be honest before writing this. 

I think a lot of moms have a similar worry going into their second child.  They wonder, can they love another child as much as they love their first?  They don't feel as bonded or attached during their second pregnancy, because, well, they have a baby out of utero that they have spent the past year (plus) building a relationship with and haven't had the time or energy to bask in the joy of a second pregnancy. 

This was so me.  For most of my pregnancy, I feared the day Isaac was born.  I dreaded it.  Because I knew it was going to change my relationship with Jude and I didn't know what that was going to look like.  I prayed and prayed about it.  I asked God to cover my weakness.  To give me a calm in my heart about this transition.  But I feared... 

Until the day before Isaac was due to arrive.  Something switched in my heart and my fear turned into joyful anticipation.  I told Jordan that night, I was finally more excited than anything else.  It was as if my heart finally felt what I had been praying for.  And I couldn't wait to meet my littlest son.

June 27, 2012

last belly shot - 39 weeks 4 days

Preparing for Isaac's birth was so different than Jude's.  For Jude, I spent months preparing for a natural unmedicated birth... that didn't happen.  For Isaac, I prepared myself for a birth required me to not be near as involved.  Not even laboring.  It was so surreal.  It seemed so unnatural.  But after much prayer, I made that decision based on what I felt the best was for my family... what gave me the most peace.

The morning began as most do.  We got Jude out of bed and had breakfast together.  Well, Daddy and Jude did, as I couldn't eat or drink for 12 hours before surgery.  I didn't need to be to the hospital until 10, so we asked my mom and dad to come to pick Jude up at 8:30.  For some reason, the morning seemed to go slower than most.  But in a good way.  We got Jude dressed in his "Most Awesome Big Brother" t-shirt and played for awhile.  We went outside and played in the sandbox while we waited for my parents to show up.  And it was a gorgeous morning.  Not too hot, yet.  The sun rising was a reminder of God's blessing.  I just sat with my oldest boy and enjoyed the moment and the anticipation.

Somewhere around the time Jude needed to leave with my parents, he fell and scraped his hand and even though he is usually fine with bumps and bruises, this one got to him.  It was nearing 9:15 and we needed to pack Jordan's bag yet.  Jude was screaming as we put him in his car seat.  He also usually never has a problem leaving with my parents, so this was just weird.  I took him out, held and calmed him, and tried to put him back in, but got the same response.  If there is anything I HATE it is needing to leave my kids while they are upset.  Ugh!!  I don't know why he was upset.  I think kids sometimes just have an intuition that something big is about to happen.  Even though I didn't want to, I said bye to Jude and gave him kisses through his tears, knowing that as soon as he realized he got to spend the day with his Papaw he would be all smiles.  Luckily - soon after they left I got a text from Papaw that all was well. :-)  

Jordan and I quickly got our things loaded in the car and made our way to the hospital.  We just sat holding hands and I don't remember if much was said at all.  It seemed so odd that we were going to meet our baby.  I wasn't even nervous.  Maybe it still didn't feel real.  We walked through the hospital, not in labor, through admission, and down the same halls that we had labored in great anticipation of meeting Jude just 15 months earlier.  Literally.

Even though I wasn't in labor, I still needed to be hooked up to the fetal monitors in preparation for surgery.  I sat on the bed and watched the littlest boys' heart beat beep along.  At some point, the nurse came back and asked, "Are you feeling your contractions"... "What?? No....??"... "You're having contractions two minutes apart.  Probably just pre-labor, but your body is getting ready."

After that I started paying attention and realized that the feeling of the baby in my ribs really was my uterus getting extremely hard.  But it was not painful at all.  Braxton Hicks, I suppose.  But in any case, my body was doing something.  And it made me feel a lot better about scheduling the c-section on that day, because I felt that my body was then telling me the time was near... or now.  I do wonder if I had waited it out, how long it would have taken those contractions to become active labor.  With my history, labor would have started that day, but Isaac wouldn't be born until July. ;-)

Jordan and I tried to guess how big this guy would be.  I guessed an ounce or two less than Jude, but Jordan was convinced he'd be bigger - about 8lbs or so (Jude was 7lbs 11oz).  A previous surgery was running behind (I heard rumors of a 4th c-section with someone getting their tubes tied), so we didn't go back until about 12:30. In preparation they put in my IV and drew blood.  Jordan got his OR gear on and before we knew it we were going back.

I didn't get nervous until I was in the OR.  I felt my chin start to shake, taking in what was about to happen.  I told the nurses that the last time I was in that room, I was having back to back contractions.  They were all shocked to hear that I labored the entire time last without an epidural.  Apparently it isn't as common as one might think!  I used some of my previously learned relaxation techniques to completely relax my body as they prepared the spinal.  I know a lot of this happened last time, but it was all such a blur since I was in labor and exhausted.  That may have gone to my benefit as now I was completely aware of everything going on, and it made me a little nervous.

I soon started to feel the effects of the spinal.  Jordan joined me at my side, and my fabulous OB started his work to bring my baby into the world.  Jordan was ready with camera AND video camera in hand.  (That's right, we got the entire thing on video.  And amazingly enough he got some great photos at the same time - although they are graphic and not included in this post!) 

About 15 or so minutes went by, and at 12:52pm I heard my son's first screams.  And they didn't stop. :-)  Which is a great sign. They laid him on the table next to me so I could see him as they got him warm and cleaned him off.  I could tell he was a big boy just by looking at him.  But 8lbs 12oz and 20.5"?  Big boy!!  Immediately my OB said he was glad I didn't attempt to push that kid out, because it probably would not have gone in my favor.  

 

Isaac Lee.  My sweet boy.  He came out rooting and ready to eat.  A wonderful nurse brought him over and laid him right near my face as they stitched me up and I got to meet my boy and kiss his face.  It wasn't too long before he was in my arms in the recovery room.  I hear of many hospitals where the mom is separated from her baby for hours during recovery, but I am so glad I got to hold my boy as soon as possible.  

I can hardly believe he is now over 2 weeks old.  Time flies.  This time, I am soaking up the newborn stage.  Good and bad.  I know how quickly it passes, and now that my attention is split, I know I can't give him the same one-on-one time I had with Jude.  But he is blessed to have a big brother who already clearly loves him.  

It's funny how adding to your family makes you love each of your family members even more.  Love abounds in my heart and having Isaac has not taken away from Jude - only added to it.  Watching him give kisses to his baby brother just warms my heart.  It is challenging to have two small ones, for sure, but I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and dig into motherhood.  I choose to focus on the blessings in the midst of chaos.

And so begins my journey as a Mama of two.  

Love my sweet little Isaac Lee. 

 

 

 

 

 

March 28.

Somebody had a birthday today.

I woke up and looked at the clock, close to 7am. I had tears in my eyes as I remembered that a year prior, I was only minutes away from meeting this sweet sweet boy.

Being a Mama has made me more sentimental than I expected.  I think being pregnant has something to do with that, too. :-)

I got up, showered, and it was about 7:20am when I heard little mister stirring in his crib.  I usually let him roll around a bit and fully wake up before I go and get him.  Today, I went right in at 7:21am.  I picked him up, snuggled him with his head pressed close into my chest, and rocked him as the clock hit 7:23am.  The moment he was born a year prior.  

Oh, how I love this boy.  

He heard Dada in the kitchen, so the snuggles were short-lived.  We got up, and had birthday pancakes.  And I am thinking how this is the moment, a year ago, where I probably was able to hold him for the first time after my c-section.  Where we started nursing, and we just stared at our precious son and took in every perfect little inch.

He has no idea the significance of this day... yet.  I know we will go through many more birthdays and the excitement of turning a year older will build.  Though somehow I feel that I am going to dread each birthday in a small way.  Motherhood is bitter-sweet.  Bitter to watch the babies get bigger, older, more independent.  Sweet to experience all of these fascinating milestones every day.

We finished breakfast and started playing as Dada went off to work.

Soon enough it was nap time.  We are still aiming for two naps a day, as that is when he is happiest.  He took a great first nap, and I was able to start working on some stuff for his party this weekend.  When nap time was over we put on his special birthday shirt and went to Mamaw and Papaw's for lunch.  

And opened the first gift (which I don't have a picture of)!  Before long, it was nap time again, so we headed home.  Of course he fought this nap for a good hour and finally fell asleep around 4pm.  Mommy may have also. :-)  We got up around 5pm and Daddy came home around 5:30.  We were off to your first birthday dinner!

There was another little boy having a birthday party at the table next to us, and Jude was quite fascinated with all the kids running around.

We stopped and got a birthday donut on the way home.  It's not a birthday without cake of some sort. :-)  This boy is his mother's son, and gobbled up nearly the entire thing.  The real cake will come on Saturday, when we have his party.

Daddy and I sang Happy Birthday and we opened presents.  It was already close to bedtime, so Jude took a quick bath, got into jammies, and was rubbing his eyes while begging for his bottle.  I'm not ready to give up the nighttime bottle yet.  Soon.  But he loves it.  And so do I.  It is guaranteed snuggles.

And just like that, the day is over.  The first birthday has come and gone.  Just like any other day.

My baby is ONE.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Jude Michael!!

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, two of my favorite boys grow up a day.

The bigger one will leave his beloved twenties behind and take on the responsibility of a thirty-year-old! 

I tease him about it, of course, because I have to, being that I am 3 years younger.  But I have a feeling that our thirties are going to be some of the best years yet.  Raising our family.  Our kids starting school.  Hopefully adding more kids to the mix somehow.  Maybe moving.  Maybe a new career direction for Jordan.  Who knows.  I'm excited for this new era in my hubby's life.

 

And I'm SO happy that it is him that I am doing life with.  He's such a servant.  His actions convict me to be more giving.  He's an amazing father.  Regardless of the kind of day he's had at work, he pushes it all aside and gets down on the floor with Jude to spend every moment he can with him.  Family comes first with this man.  

He's passionate.  About our marriage.  His family.  Music.  Politics.  History.  Truth.  Christ.  Discipleship.  The Church.  Reading the word every day.  Get him started on any of these topics and you'll know what I mean.

He's quirky.  Spontaneous dances in the kitchen are not unheard of.  Crazy nick-names for everyone in the house (I'm surprised anyone knows their real name).  The goofy voices he uses when reading to Jude.  

He knows who he is.  In Christ.  As a man.  And that is super attractive.

Then there is this little guy, who will be 10 months old tomorrow (although these beautiful pictures were taken when he was 7 months old).  I'm savoring his last day as a single-digit baby.  But we'll have more updates on how crazy much he's grown in the past month tomorrow.  Just looking at this picture it blows my mind how much a baby can grow in a few months.

All of that to say, I love my little (growing) family.  I'm so excited for what this next season holds for us!

Happy last-day-of-being-29, my love!

...

Twenty-seven.

Twenty-six is going to be hard to top.  My twenty-sixth year was one of the best of my life.  

It started with me finding out shortly after I turned 26 that we were going to be having a sweet baby boy.

 

We spent the rest of the year dreaming of our sweet boy, picking out his name, decorating his nursery, and praising God for this precious gift!  

Then, on March 28, my world changed more than I ever could have imagined as I met this little guy. 

Pure love.

The past 7 months have been a whirlwind.  Somewhere along the way that little baby turned into this sweet boy.

And now it is my job and hearts desire to be his mommy and raise him to glorify the Lord!  

My boys.

So, as you can see, twenty-six was pretty great.  But, as of yesterday, I have logged twenty-seven years in the books of life.  I can't wait to see what memories will be created in the next twelve months.

Happy Birthday to me!