what two has taught me

How can I even put into words the change that happened in my life two years ago when he was born?  My own flesh and blood.  My heart, staring back at me.  A love carrying a responsibility and joy that I've never felt before.

Two years ago, 7:23am, my sweet Jude Michael was born.

And sweet he is.  In-between the non-stop running, jumping, train-and-tractor-loving, rowdy two-year-old that he now is.  The kid daily breaks a sweat just running in circles around our house.  But he always was a Mama's boy and he still is.

Even at two, he often wants to be held.  Asking for a hug.  They may only last for .2 seconds, but this boy needs affection.  He needs his snuggles and kisses.  And then, just like that, he's done.  Off to build legos or play race cars.

It's only been two years out of my twenty-eight-and-a-half, but I still find it difficult to remember life without him.  But I do know that I am a better person because of him.

He's taught me a bit about selflessness.  And how I'm far more selfish than selfless.

He's taught me about patience.  And that I don't have nearly enough without whispering prayers throughout my day.

He's taught me about responsibility and intentionality.  Two things I carry on my shoulders.

He's taught me to not take life so darn serious and just be goofy once in awhile.  (Just ask him if he's a duck.)

He's taught me that trains, tractors, bulldozers, cranes, tow-trucks, mixers, diggers, and dump trucks are very very important and they each have a specific name and purpose.

He's taught me that the 5 second rule really exists.

He's taught me that childhood is not as long as it once felt.

He's taught me that the seemingly monotonous day-to-day routine is where the kingdom work happens.

He's given me more of a sneak peek of the unconditional love that the Father has for us.

Jude Michael.  The first most precious gift ever given to me.  I am so blessed to be your Mama and to guide you in this journey as you grow.  You are a joy, and I love you.  Even when you are acting your age.

Happy 2nd Birthday, my sweet boy.

when he listens without understanding

Just now I was on the floor playing with the littlest, shortly after putting the big one down for a nap.

He doesn't like to nap.  This I know.  But I'm not about to wave my white flag on nap time.  That one will be a battle I'll continue to fight.  I need it as much as he does.

But he's always been content to goof around in his crib.  I give him a few books and sometimes he dozes off and sometimes not.

This was one of the sometimes not times.

While playing peekaboo and urging the littlest to take a try at crawling, I suddenly hear, and feel, a huge thud.  It shook the whole house.  (our house is small, it doesn't take much)

Thud.

And then nothing.

I think it was the nothing that scared me more.  I pictured him falling on his head and unconscious on the floor.  Even though I know this child is incredibly agile and excels at climbing, this was the image I had in my head as I ran toward his room.

I threw open is door and there he was.

Standing in the middle of his floor.  Truck and blankie in hand.  Grinning from ear to ear.

"What did you do???" The look on my face must have shown my fear, because the grin quickly turned to tears as he asked to be held.

I scooped him up and rocked him in my lap (since he has long outgrown my arms) and then had a very stern but gentle talk about staying in our crib.

*sigh*

I'm not sure I'll ever get used to my children getting older.  Conquering new feats, I encourage and praise them, but it is bittersweet as I realize that it will never go back to the way it was before.

Some days the growing up is hard.  Other days, it's wonderful.

There's nothing that has made be understand the Lord quite like parenthood.  And why I am his child.  And how he fathers me.  And why he didn't create us to simply be controlled.  A Lord creating us to choose Him.

How I love when my boy chooses to listen.  Because when I tell him not to climb out of his crib, it isn't because I want to burst his bubble and ruin his fun or hinder his motor skill growth.  Far from it.  It's because I don't want him to fall on his head and hurt himself.  He doesn't see that.  He can't comprehend that right now.

But he listened.  I put him back in his crib and gave him his books and he stayed right there.  So we have the crib for at least one more night (until I can get a guard rail up).  But I'm so proud of him when he listens, even without understanding.


Lord, what do I need to listen to?  What do I need to have faith to do, despite understanding?

Jude :: 18 months old

It sure is crazy to be an 18-month-old!!

Jude is just as wild as ever.  Pretty much, if he is awake he just doesn't stop.  He doesn't walk, he runs.  He not only climbs onto chairs, but also kitchen tables.  Our baby-proofing systems just keep getting taller and taller.  We recently had to change a few doorknobs that were dummies so that he couldn't just pull the door open (of course once he figures out how to turn the knob, our efforts will be worthless).  I am definitely saying, "no", more than ever.  Oh, the joys!  One day I am sure I will miss it. ;-)

Jude was 28lbs 4oz and 34 inches tall at his last check-up.  That's right around the 90th percentile for both height and weight!  He continues to gain weight, which, at this age, doesn't always happen!  We've zoomed past 24 month clothes into 2T.  And sometimes those seem small!  He can be a picky eater (especially at dinner), but apparently he is still eating enough.  I continue to make him smoothies most days to get his nutrition in.  I load them up with kale, spinach, and peas, along with fruit and greek yogurt and he gobbles them right up!

He is also talking more and more.  Or rather, what he says is starting to make more sense. :-)  Jude has always been a babbler, and a lot of what he says is still Chinese to me, but he's definitely growing his vocabulary a great deal and is starting to put two or more words together.  He'll say "be back" or "dada bye bye" or "all done"... and many more.  He is also very much a boy with all the sound effects he makes while playing with his cars and trains.

He is still taking one nap a day, usually around 1pm.  But, I have stretched him as long as 2:30pm and he has still napped great!

He is still great with his little brother.  There have only been a handful of times he has smacked him or something - but it seemed to be more out of curiosity than to be hurtful.  He regularly likes to make sure Isaac has his paci or will find a burp cloth and have to wipe Isaac's mouth.  He's starting to like to stand next to Isaac wherever he is sitting and will just look at him and babble at him.  It's so fun, especially since Jude is just the most interesting thing to Isaac right now.

Jude is finally doing significantly better in church nursery or just being apart from us in general.  He was always the kid screaming bloody murder in nursery.  It even seemed to be worse if we were still in the house.  But in the past month or two, he seems to have finally grown out of it.  Sometimes he gets a little whiney, but we know he will stay and play.  This. is. huge. for me and my ability to do things like bible study on Monday's or participate in house church.

We love you, Jude Michael!  It's the biggest honor in the world to be able to watch you grow and learn about the environment around you.

Love having two under two.

I mentioned it in Isaac's birth story, but prior to his birth I had a lot of fear.  Fear about how adding to my family would change it.  Fear about my relationship with Jude changing.  Fear over if I could love this newest baby well enough.  Fear about how much hard work two under two would be (and I always feel the need to distinguish... not just two under two... 15 months is very different from 24!).

Let me repeat (for myself), fear isn't of our Lord!  

Something I am learning, to surrender my fears and worries to the Lord first.  Be quick to pray.  I tend to be quick to google.  And in about 99.9% of these cases, google doesn't end up being the encouragement I'm looking for.

While I was pregnant, I searched for others' experience with two kids fifteen months apart, and my fear was only fueled.  I read things like "I don't know how we made it through the first year", or "It's REALLY hard work - I wanted to pull my hair out", or "My goal was just to survive every day".

Wouldn't you be afraid?

Well, six weeks into this gig with two boys fifteen months apart, I can tell you I had no reason to fear.  I wouldn't say it has been easy, but it certainly isn't the huge insurmountable task I had imagined.  Parenting in general isn't easy.  It is the most challenging and rewarding thing we will ever do. But I don't think that fact changes whether your kids are 15 months or 15 years apart. :-)

In an attempt to be a voice of encouragement in all the blogs out there putting fear into these future-Mamas' hearts, I will say that I have loved and having two boys so close.  A few reasons why....

First of all, we are already in baby mode.  I do diaper laundry a bit more often (because the boys are both in cloth), but I was surprised how easy it was to just slip Isaac right into the routine.  Baths.  Diapers.  Laundry.  Cribs.  No huge transition in that sense.

Jude was too young to really get jealous.  Of course this could just be his personality.  But all-in-all he has pretty much ignored Isaac.  I am pretty sure that now, six weeks later, Jude doesn't remember life without his baby brother.  We had zero sleep regression or anything of the sort.  Life just went on, only with a baby brother in the mix.

I just love watching this bond slowly develop between my boys.  Right now it is basically Isaac happily watching Jude when he's in the room and Jude being on paci-patrol.  Although, today I did catch Jude trying to give Isaac a drink from his sippy cup.  But I know that in the years to come, these two will be permanent buddies and their close age means they will do everything together.  This makes me very excited that God gave us two boys so close.

Despite what I imagined, I can count on one hand the number of times I have had two babies crying and needing me at once.  Those moments do not make up my entire day, but rather are few and far between.  And God has given me that mother-intuition that I need to make it through the challenging moments.

Really.  That last one sums it up.

God has given me what I need for the moment.  He chose me to parent these boys and he'll give me what I need to get through the challenging times.  I won't lie.  It is a busy life.  A full life.  A life full of opportunities to either freak out and question your abilities... or to stop. breathe. give it to God and thank him for the blessing of two sweet boys.  And trust the intuition that he gave you.

But there are many many moments of pure joy in-between the challenges.  It is not all chaos and craziness.  It is also seeing first smiles again.  Sweet baby coos.  Hearing big brother say his baby brother's name for the first time.  And more love than you thought was possible.

God showed me that he created me for this role.  I am enough.  In Him I am enough.  I'm growing up a bit in this role and gradually gaining more and more confidence.

So, is two under two 15 months "easy"?  Ummm... not the word I would use.  It's full.  And busy.  Most often in a good way.  Life is good. 

I don't know it any other way.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The newborn season.

I'm three weeks and five days into this Mom-of-two gig.  And we've survived so far.  Haha.  I am happy to say that, despite preparing for and expecting the worst case scenario, we are doing well.

The baby fog doesn't lift the second time around.  It is still a cycle of eat, poop (while eating), scream, pee, spit, *insert happy awake time for a couple minutes*, sleep, poop, scream, and poop some more.  The difference this time is I know this is a short season.  I know it gets easier.  The screaming subsides.  The happy awake time lengthens.  And the fun times begin.  I'm trying hard to enjoy the newness of my sweet boy, though.  I don't want to wish it away, yet at the same time I can't wait to see the smiles and hear the laughter.

Many people have asked how Jude has been adjusting.  He honestly hasn't shown a whole lot of interest in Isaac at all.  It's just his young toddler age.  He goes about his daily craziness without much concern for his little brother.  And this is fine by me!  He is on paci patrol - if Isaac loses his paci, Jude is quick to shove it in his face give it back.  He also loves "helping" me change Isaac's diaper - meaning he climbs around on Isaac's rocking chair and empties his drawers while I change Isaac.  The biggest struggle for me concerning Jude has been my recovery from c-section surgery and knowing I'm not supposed to be picking him up, etc... which I have been doing (only as needed) anyway.  It's hard to say "no" to a crying baby who is begging you to hold them (not to be confused with a temper tantrum... we also see plenty of those).

Jude's age has posed some problems, but I think in many ways I'll look back and see how it was even somewhat easier than had he been a few years older.  I have all the struggles any mom would with a 15 or 16-month-old {enter tantrums, being rough, climbing on furniture, and just being a crazy boy in general}.  But he's not jealous.  He hasn't regressed in sleep or anything.  I think he hardly thinks anything of Isaac being around all the time.  He's used to it now.  We're working on being gentle.  I still rarely allow Jude around Isaac for this reason, but I know this will change as they both get older.  We're still very much in just get through the day mode.  I have to say, I am very grateful to Barney for keeping Jude occupied in the same room while I nurse every 2.5-3 hours. {don't judge}

I often find myself wondering, what the heck was so hard about a newborn the first time around??  When it is just me and Isaac, I feel like it's just so simple.  Being a Mama for the second time has definitely eased many of the anxieties I had with Jude as a newborn.  There is also a light at the end of the tunnel.  Isaac is, in general, a much more fussy baby than Jude was.  But, I find it doesn't give me anxiety like it would with Jude.  I feel horribly bad for Isaac as I see him struggle with the gas pain and scream trying to poop {poor buddy}, but it doesn't make my blood pressure elevate and I don't freak out.  I just try to get him comfortable the best I can, and know that this developmental stage will pass soon.  I'm grateful for this perspective this time.

But the mommy-guilt is still real.  While my love has surely doubled, the amount of time in the day surely hasn't.  Right now, Isaac demands most of my attention, and I'm not able to give Jude the one-on-one attention that I used to.  Luckily, Jude is a real daddy's boy and if Dada is home really couldn't care less about me. :-)  I'm fine with this, as it makes it easier.  On the other side of mommy-guilt is feeling like I'm not giving Isaac the same attention I gave Jude at that age.  Of course not - I have a 16-month-old climbing on the couch and grabbing the dog's tail!  I try not to be too hard on myself for this.  It's life.  It is what it is.  And I'm sure that what I'm feeling is normal. 

Right now, I go back and forth between thinking that anyone who has more than two kids must be crazy.... and then also knowing deep in my heart that we're also not done at two.  Having a newborn in the house adds a different dynamic to life.  It's a bit more crazy... a transition... but, as I said, it's a season.  A season where we take things day by day and moment by moment.   A season of chaos, but loads of love.  I'm trying hard to embrace and appreciate the chaos of today and not wish for simpler days ahead.

Jude :: 15 months

You may have noticed I stopped doing the monthly posts.  I feel like the milestones start to mush together after a year and instead of doing a post every month, I have decided that after a year, every three months is sufficient. :-)  That said - time for an update!

But my 15 month-old is wild, crazy, mischievous, and so.much.fun.

First of all - he became a big brother the day before he turned 15 months and this transition has been better than I expected.  I have already experienced occasional moment where I am holding baby brother (Isaac) and Jude wants to be held and I just can't hold two babies, so that makes it hard.  I've decided at this point, it is important to make sure Jude knows he isn't being pushed aside or that he isn't less important, so if I'm not nursing Isaac or something, I slip him in the bouncy to give Jude some of my full attention when he needs it.  I know this will get more and more complicated, but I also hope that Jude will grow to understand and love what it is to have a brother at the same time. :-)

On the wild and crazy front, Jude is running, climbing, jumping (kind of) and just this adorable little tornado that tears through my house.  He's very much in an exploring stage.  Figuring out how things work, figuring out what the boundaries are, and testing those boundaries.  I find myself saying "NO" more often now than ever, but that's our stage!

He's talking more, but still babbles a lot - saying something very very important that nobody can understand. :-)  He has said strawberry, dog, duck, kitty cat, baby, open, that, more, book, ball, banana... and I'm sure more random words that I'm missing.  I find they come and go.  But he talks non-stop.  I'm sure it will be hilarious when he starts using actual words and sentences.  :-)

He's getting very good at identifying body parts.  Eyes, ears, nose, tongue, hair, feet, toes, hands, etc... smart boy!  He also is good at identifying a few animals and what noises they make.  Among our favorites are dog, cat, cow, duck, elephant, and monkey.

He is no longer taking a bottle at night.  We stopped that somewhere between 13 and 14 months and he does perfectly fine!  Our routine includes, bath, brushing our teeth, reading some books, saying prayers,  kisses, then night-night!  He does pretty good with this most of the time. :-)  Although during the routine he likes to play his game of "come and catch me" - running away when we tell him to brush his teeth, etc.  He thinks it's hilarious.

Jude Michael - you continue to be such a joy in our lives!!  I can't wait to see you grow in your role as a big brother.  I can't wait to see that relationship blossom.  You make us laugh every day and continue to amaze us as you learn about the world!

Love you, bubba!

Mama

Without further ado....

Let's get to it.  Isaac Lee Griffis is here!!

He was born at 12:52pm on Wednesday, June 27, 2012.  He is a big boy, especially compared to his brother - weighing 8lbs 12oz (Jude weighed 7lbs 11oz) and 20.5" long!

Who knew you could love so much.

Adding to our family only makes me love each of my family members more.  I love Jordan as a father of two.  I love Jude as my son, and now also as a brother to Isaac.  It's just a big ole love fest in my heart right now.

And he is just the sweetest little boy.

But, doesn't he look a bit familiar??

I cannot get over how much he looks like Jude as a newborn.  I was preparing myself for a totally different looking child, but nope.  Apparently we're the type of couple whose kids will all look the same.  I'm preparing myself for the twins question down the road. :-)  Good thing they are darn cute. ;-)

Praise God for such amazing blessings.  Surgery went awesome.  Recovery has already been a million times better than it was with Jude.  And I have two perfectly healthy sons.  I'm eager to heal up to 100% so I can be a fully-functioning Mama to the two of them.  In the meantime, Isaac and I are still in the hospital until tomorrow and Jude is having a blast hanging out with Daddy and Mamaw and Papaw.

I'll be sure to write down the birth story soon!  I gotta say, I am thankful that this one doesn't include 80 hours of labor.

Thank you for all of your prayers and love as we welcome this sweet boy into our family.

10, 9, 8....

Somehow I've let the last two weeks go by without a peep.  That just goes to show how fast this summer is flying for me.  But the countdown is on.

It wasn't long ago I had a couple of months to go before meeting boy #2 and now here we are with less than 10 days to go.

So, what have I been doing?

Hanging out with this guy.

And despite being massively huge and uncomfortable, we've been taking advantage of our freedom and flexibility before baby brother comes.

Even though Jude is young, he still shows signs of somehow understanding that we are on the verge of a huge life change.  Lately, he's been lifting my shirt and giving my belly huge lip-smacking kisses.  I never told him to do that.  We do talk about how baby is in Mama's belly and we are going to meet baby brother very soon.  But the kissing?  Just too too sweet.  And this morning he just sat in my lap with his head on my shoulder, snuggling for a good 20 minutes.  This never happens.  

I know everything will change when I meet baby brother.  But I can't help it - right now my mind is still 100% on Jude.  Worrying about this transition for him.  Wondering if he is going to be jealous.  Praying that he will have an instant love for his little brother.  I know it might be hard.  But in any case, it is a season.  I have been so encouraged by the many women who have kids 12-18 months apart that say that they just LOVED it.  The boys will grow up together, doing the same things at the same time, playing with the same toys, going through the same stages.  

But, in the meantime, I don't know what it is like to be a Mama of two.  It still kind of blows my mind.  I am having this baby in no more than 9 days.  In many ways I anticipate this day as the day I stop being pregnant... and oh, yeah... I'm going to have another baby to take care of.  

I'm eager to get on to the next stage... the anticipation of our "new normal" is somewhat overwhelming.  But I know that as soon as I meet baby brother, it will be instant love.  Just as I would give my life for Jude, I know I would do the same for this little guy.  And we'll just live life together.  One day, hour, moment at a time.    

And I will admit... even though the newborn stage can be exhausting - I am looking forward to this again.

(Daddy's Father's Day instagram... squishy Jude with Daddy only about 2 weeks old)

Because only a short 14 months later, that little squish becomes this amazing wild boy. 

Baby boy - we can't wait to meet you SOON!!!

Quarantine.

We are under quarantine over here.  No germs in, no germs out.

My poor little sickie got it bad this time.

Hand, foot, and mouth disease.  Basically a virus that makes you break out in blisters all over your hands, feet, and mouth.  Jude got lucky and also got it up to his knees, in his diaper area, and inside and outside of his mouth.  I haven't taken any pictures because he truly looks like a horribly diseased child.  

My poor punkin.  The only thing that makes it tolerable is Mama's cuddles (and regular doses of Ibuprofen).  And luckily, since he's extremely contagious and under quarantine (Mama and Dr's orders), we have plenty of time to snuggle up together.

I'm soaking up these days as a Mama of one - knowing I can give my boy my undivided attention.  These days are numbered (49 to go to be exact).  In many ways this transition is bittersweet.  When I first found out I was pregnant I immediately felt guilt.  Guilt that I would be somehow robbing Jude of his babyhood.  That I wouldn't give him the time he needs.  

But those are just lies.  I really do believe that.  So, while I am soaking up these days where I can focus fully on him and we can cuddle and watch Sesame Street and Barney (multiple times), I know that in 49 days he'll be getting one of the most amazing gifts of his life.  A brother.  That is bound to be one of the best relationships he'll have.  One that will last a lifetime.  

The thought is still so surreal to me.  I mean, I have experienced pregnancy before and it resulted in a baby.  For some reason it just hasn't sunk in that my heart will soon double in size and I'll have another son to care for.  But it's true - all these aches and pains are for very very good reason.

And if Jude loves his brother anywhere near as much as he loves his dog, we're in good hands. ;-)  Despite having the sickies, there's been plenty of this going on.

and this...

I'd never wish this disease on anyone, but I'm glad that he didn't get it 6-7 weeks from now when we'd surely have to keep him away from his little brother, and his Mama (who seems to have the only cure of snuggles).  I'm glad that he'll be well enough then to be present and active in our new family of four.

So, prayers for my little bubba!  That he'd heal quickly and that this disease wouldn't spread to the rest of the family. 

Thanks, friends. :-)

Dear Jude :: 13 months

Dear Jude,

In the past month you have totally made the transformation from a baby into a walking and talking toddler.  No baby in this home anymore (at least not for about 7 more weeks when your brother comes). :-)

There was a big transformation when you got your first haircut. :-)  I was nervous, because you didn't quite love your latest doctors appointment, but you did great!  And your hair?  I LOVE it.  I'm so glad you still have your sweet curls.

In the past month your communication has just exploded.  You understand much of what we say.  I am amazed at what you know.  You follow directions so well and you surprise me every day with how smart you are.  You also have a few words under your belt.  Mama, Dada (of course), Doggy (dug-guh), blankie (kuh-kuh), Ball, Diaper, All Done, More, Banana (bah bah), and more that I can't think of right now. :-)

Along with your wonderful understanding of the world has come more frustration when you want to communicate and you can't.  We've seen a few more temper tantrums, most likely due to you trying to tell us something we just aren't understanding.  OR us telling you "no" to something you really want!  You are easily distracted when this happens and clearly understand what is allowed and what isn't.  Sometimes you just don't feel like following the rules. :-)

You are still taking two naps and I'm not going to push this transition!  I love you taking two naps and you clearly still need it!  You have always been a great sleeper and I'm just praying your brother is as well.

You are still taking a bottle at night, but I've recently transitioned to a sippy before bed and you seem to take it okay.  Eventually we'll cut out the right-before-bed cup of milk, but I'm fine with it for now.  You HATE brushing your teeth.  HATE HATE HATE.  But we still do it every night.  And you still fight us.  But you have 8 pearly whites to keep clean.  I think that those 1 year molars are not far off, either.

You are growing like a weed and fully in 18 month clothes and even a few 24 month clothes that fit just a little too well for Mama's liking. :-)  You wear a size 5 shoe and since you are walking (and running) you are now wearing "big boy" shoes!  You also love shoes and socks and feet and are quick to point out where they go and people who don't have shoes or socks on. :-)

We took a nice little weekend getaway this month and you did great!  I was nervous about sleeping in the same room, thinking we would wake you up, but you slept wonderfully.  I think you liked waking up and seeing Mama right there, too. :-)

It is so much fun to spend every day with you.  You are so very sweet and quick to show affection and give kisses.  You have a clear love for your Mama and Dada and it is such a blessing to be your parents.

Love you bubba.  I'm so thankful for another month as your Mama.

Mwa!

Mama