23 weeks.

Another week on the books!  Only 17 to go.  I still feel like this is flying.  And I look at my belly and think there is NO way it can get any bigger, but I know it is going to get WAY WAY bigger.  I'll post a pic next week.  Anyway - updates!!

Today's date: November 28, 2010 

How far along: 23 weeks

Total weight gain: 11-12 lbs.  (Surprising I didn't really gain any weight over Thanksgiving!)

Size and growth of the baby: He's more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound (about as much as a large mango).

Sex: BOY BOY BOY!!

Maternity clothes: All maternity pants, and busting out of my regular shirts lately. :-( 

Sleep: Still tossing and turning due to back pain... not getting up to pee as often though.  I think he has finally moved up and is not sitting so low.

Best moment(s) of the week: I am loving feeling this baby boy move.  That is all. :-)  

Movement: Still have a baby acrobat in there. :-)

Food cravings/aversions:  Nothing much!  Thanksgiving was AMAZING though and I stuffed myself silly - and didn't hardly gain weight!  Score!

Morning sickness: Feeling good!!

 
Symptoms: Tired, expanding belly, horrible dry skin,   I can't really complain!

Labor signs: WAY too soon... hopefully we don't have to think about that for at least another 16 weeks!

Belly button in or out:   In - but definitely feeling shallower! 

What I miss:  Sleeping comfortably.  Cute clothes.

What I'm looking forward to:  CHICAGO trip this weekend!!  Yay for a get-away with my hubby.  Then the next weekend we're painting the nursery and I have LOTS of items on my "to-do" list to sew.  

What's happening this week:

Turn on the radio and sway to the music. With his sense of movement well developed by now, your baby can feel you dance. And now that he's more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound (about as much as a large mango), you may be able to see him squirm underneath your clothes. Blood vessels in his lungs are developing to prepare for breathing, and the sounds that your baby's increasingly keen ears pick up are preparing her for entry into the outside world. Loud noises that become familiar now — such as your dog barking or the roar of the vacuum cleaner — probably won't faze him when he hears them outside the womb (That's a good thing!!).  Swollen from head to toe? Increased blood flow, by now an old friend, is to blame. Consider a trip to the shoe store because loosening ligaments will cause your feet to expand even more in the weeks to come.

{Although Baby G is head-down - a good thing!!)

{23 weeks... baby is about the size of a large mango}

Black Friday Steals.

I got some awesome steals today... and didn't even leave my couch.  I obviously got lots of goodies for other people... BUT I also got some stuff for me and baby g.

I can't wait to get these in the mail.

 

{Amazon Kindle e-book... okay this wasn't on sale but it is Jordan and my Christmas gift}

 {Flip Ultra Video Camera - $99 on Amazon)

And for baby G:

{Bottom Bumper Organic All-In-One Cloth Diapers in pumpkin, canary, and cherry}

{Planet-wise hanging wet bag... to hang in the nursery for the lovely cloth above}

 {Planet-wise wet bag to take along with the diaper bag}

I am getting soooo anxious to meet this little guy.

Thankful {even in suffering}

I have MUCH to be thankful for.

But today I am going to talk about something kind of different.  Emma, at work, got me thinking about being thankful in our sufferings.  At our staff meeting this week, we went around and shared an example of something that was hard for us in the past year, but that we saw God's hand in and so we were able to be thankful.  I knew right away what my answer would be, but knowing that it would be emotional for me, it took me awhile to figure out how to talk about it.

This past year was the most painful of my life.  When we experienced the miscarriage at the end of May, I struggled and suffered unlike any time I have ever known.  It was so hard for me to wrap my mind around why God would allow that to happen to me... and to understand why I had such a hard time finding peace.  It never shook my belief, but it TOTALLY shook my understanding of God's sovereignty, because I was closer than I had ever been before.  I was forced to trust in his goodness even though I was in so much pain.

Early last summer, there was a series of messages at Crossroads Bible Church (where Jordan and I are members) about suffering, and embracing your suffering because it is in those moments that we are close to Christ and can relate to HIS suffering.  We talked a lot in our small group about suffering well and suffering in Christ and what that meant.  I knew the timing was perfect for where I was in my life... but now, looking back, even though it is still emotional for me to talk about, I can SO CLEARLY see the hand of God in my life during that time.  He was my comfort.  I felt that I was able to identify with the suffering of Christ in a new way, and appreciated God's gift of his son (and his death) more than I ever have been able to before.  I grew up a lot this summer, in ways that I know that I never would have, had I never experienced such pain.  For that, I am thankful. :-)

And NOW - I am thankful for this wonderful wiggle worm of a son I have in my belly.  I still can hardly believe how God has blessed us with this child and shown himself to be SO GOOD.  I just cannot wait to meet this little guy.

More than anything this past year, I have grown to see my husband in a completely different way.  Let me tell you, this man is amazing.  I can honestly say, I had no idea how good of a man I had when I married him (and I still knew he was pretty cool - HAH).  But in the past year, he has just served and served and served me.  When I was at my lowest point, even though (as a man) I knew he didn't understand my pain, he did his best to... and he just let me be where I was, without asking me to change or heal or get up from the couch. :-)  He just loved me where I was.  That spoke volumes to me.  And now, in this pregnancy, he continues to serve me... putting my needs above his, constantly working and running himself into the ground to provide for me and our child and making sure the house is in order when I have just been too exhausted to do anything.  He is the real deal, you all.  He seeks Christ with his WHOLE heart and just cares for people in such a genuine way.  He makes me want to love and serve better, and be a better person.  I feel like my words haven't done justice to how amazing he has been to me.  All I can say is, I LOVE this man, and I am SO SO thankful for him.  I don't know how I got so lucky.  He is going to be an amazing father, and I can't wait to journey with him into parenthood.

*whew* How is that for an emotional post.

Here is that awesome man I am talking about.

 {Jordan and I... taken October 2010}

22 weeks.

5 months down, 4 to go!!  CRAZY.  This marks the half-way point of when we found out we were pregnant.  We found out exactly 18 weeks ago, and we have 18 weeks to go!  I am feeling great for the most part, and enjoying actually looking pregnant but still being comfortable for the most part.  I know that will all change soon!

Today's date: November 21, 2010 

How far along: 22 weeks

Total weight gain: 11 lbs.  

Size and growth of the baby: At 11 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound, your baby is starting to look like a miniature newborn.

Sex: BOY BOY BOY!!

Maternity clothes: All maternity pants, but still wearing regular shirts... although I had to change shirts maybe 5 times today in order to find one that was long enough. 

Sleep: Still tossing and turning, but I have been sleeping a lot better lately.

Best moment(s) of the week: I am loving feeling this baby boy move.  He goes CRAZY in the mornings and it is just the most insane feeling.  Oh - and I haven't been able to stay away from the baby clothes section at any store I am at.  I am pretty sure that my son will for SURE have enough clothes.

Movement: Still have a baby acrobat in there. :-)

Food cravings/aversions: Hmm... no strong cravings.  I'm really trying to eat healthily now.  I have 18 weeks left and would love it if I could gain 15lbs or or so in that time.  Of course a healthy baby is #1. :-)  But - all that to say - I am trying not to give into my ice cream and chocolate cravings so much.

Morning sickness: Feeling good!!

 
Symptoms: Tired, expanding belly, horrible dry skin,   I can't really complain!

Labor signs: WAY too soon... hopefully we don't have to think about that for at least another 16 weeks!

Belly button in or out:   In - but definitely feeling shallower! 

What I miss: Right now (not pregnancy related) just being able to breathe.  I still wish I could sleep comfortably, but I know that's a long ways out.

What I'm looking forward to: I bought fabric for my baby quilt and I can't wait to start sewing!

What's happening this week:

Baby's lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and he's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath his gums. His eyes have formed, but his irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers his body and the deep wrinkles on his skin, which he'll sport until he adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside his belly, his pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily.

 

 

Getting frugal.

Babies are expensive... in case you didn't know.  I know that they only get more and more expensive when they get older (and can ask for money), but still.  I haven't made a decision if I am going to continue working (part-time) or stay home yet, but in any case, our disposable income is going to change, and so is our lifestyle.

I have been blessed (though sometimes it feels cursed) with an extremely frugal husband.  Early on in our marriage, we decided that credit cards aren't for us and he is has always been very mindful of how we spend our money.  We are blessed to have no debt aside from the house.  We haven't necessarily used a budget for most of our marriage, simply because we have been comfortable DINK's (Dual Income No Kids), but I have quickly realized that we need to get on the ball of that.  I searched high and low for good budget programs, but my struggle is always that we don't have consistent income.  A large portion of Jordan's income is commission based.  So we have NO idea what he is making month to month.  Then I found the answer... YNAB (You Need A Budget).

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this system.  The whole premise is living off of the previous month's income.  So when you get a paycheck, it goes into your budget for the following month, and it is not based on what your expected income for the month is.  Rather, it is based on what you have already made.  I LOVE THIS.  So - I have been putting my paychecks into savings, or a "Baby Fund" to help pay for all of these expenses.  It is so nice to have peace of mind, knowing we will have PLENTY to be able to afford this baby when he comes... not to mention he is due around tax season!  Yippee!!  But seriously, if you are looking for an EASY and just freeing budget system, look into YNAB.  It does cost about $50 for the software, but once you have it all the upgrades are free and I just love it.  So there is my YNAB plug.

Another thing I have been looking into is E-Mealz.  Sometimes I do get in the mood to cook or bake and be creative and make yummy stuff.  But, the regular every-day "what's for dinner" drives me crazy.  I am horrible at making a meal plan and sticking to it.  I just don't really love cooking and hate planning for it even more.  This means I end up buying a lot of stuff that I don't have a real plan for and so it goes bad in my fridge (zucchini seems to be the main spoiled item in our fridge... I love it, but when I don't have a plan, it doesn't get used).  

SO - E-Mealz is a menu-planning program that plans your weekly dinners and gives you a grocery list.  It is supposed to help you save money simply by giving you a plan and doing that work for you.  I need this.  And... even BETTER is that they have a gluten-free plan!!! Yippee!!  They are meant for larger families and give you 7 meals a week, so I can simply pick 3-4 meals in a week and use those and we will have leftovers.  This will also help us save money.  They have plans for 2 person families, but unfortunately not gluten-free.  I first heard about this on Dave Ramsey, and decided to look into it.  It does cost $12.50 for 3 months, but to me that is worth a shot for sure.  So - I am going to give it a try and I will keep you updated on how I like it!  Hopefully those "what's for dinner" moments will lessen tremendously and we will eat more healthily.

FINALLY... on top of E-Mealz, I have been going to SavingAddiction.com to get insight into the best deals at the stores I shop at!  It will tell me what is on sale at Meijer and if there are any coupons available to make it an even better deal.  I stock up on the coupons for items that are staples for us and so far at my best trip I saved $59!!  And, best of all, it is FREE!  

Hopefully all of these methods combined will help us save money and have a household that runs a lot more smoothly.  I am all about making life more simple (and cheap!!).  

21 weeks.

We are over half-way there!!  Given I don't go more than 2 weeks overdue, in which case I think I'd shoot myself.  I'm going to keep this short and sweet.  I've been sick all weekend - stupid congestion and cold.  I am doing everything in my power to get over it quickly, but it is hard when you can't really take much for it.  UGH.

Today's date: November 14, 2010 

How far along: 21 weeks

Total weight gain: 8-9 lbs.  

Size and growth of the baby: Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long —the length of a carrot.  (Baby Boy was actually 12oz on Wednesday when we had our ultrasound!)

Sex: BOY BOY BOY!!

Maternity clothes: All maternity pants, but still wearing regular shirts.  

Sleep: Still tossing and turning.  My back and hips are getting pretty uncomfortable.  When I can actually sleep it is glorious though.

Best moment(s) of the week: Obviously the ultrasound letting us know our baby was perfectly healthy in every way!!  Oh - and it's a boy. :-)  The Dr. said his growth is in the 42nd percentile, which is perfect right now.  Although, I know measuring growth via ultrasound is not all that accurate.  Good news is he has 10 fingers and 10 toes, and all looks great!!

Movement: I have got a serious wiggle worm in my belly!  He goes crazy in the mornings when I  first wake up and stretch out.  I feel him more all-day long though.

Food cravings/aversions: Still craving orange juice.  I think I drank an entire container in 24 hours this weekend. :-o

Morning sickness: Feeling good!! (minus the sinus issues)

Symptoms: Still tired... belly is growing... babe is kicking.  I can't really complain!

Labor signs: Way too soon.

Belly button in or out:   In - but definitely feeling shallower! 

What I miss: Right now (not pregnancy related) just being able to breathe.  I still wish I could sleep comfortably, but I know that's a long ways out.

What I'm looking forward to: Nothing specifically - just continuing on this journey!  And buying more baby clothes and starting my baby quilt. :-)

What's happening this week:

You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well. (NOPE!)  Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion, and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth.

Boy mode.

First of all - do you like the new look??  I'm loving this color scheme of orange and blue right now.  But I change my mind often, so don't be surprised if it looks different again in a few weeks. :-)


I need to get my brain into boy mode.  For my whole life, I've never need to think in terms of boy colors or boyish things - and now that we're having a BOY I need to forget the pinks and purples and figure out how to decorate for my little man.


One of the first things I want to make for this guy is a quilt.  I have never made a quilt, but have done a bit of sewing in my day, and I have found some patterns that look super quick and easy (which is exactly what I need).  I have been looking through fabrics to find some boyish colors and I'm LOVING the grey, orange, aqua color scheme.  So - rough draft, here are some fabric options.

It is hard to find non-girly patterns.  There is a lot of paisley, floral, and just cutesy stuff.  It is pretty much polka-dots and animals for boys.  I'll have to keep looking, but I am liking this color scheme for a quilt.  We'll see!!  But I'll have to get working on it soon, I think!! :-)

Thank You.

A HUGE thank you to the veterans who have dedicated their lives to our country.  We do not think of you and thank you enough!

{My Papaw, Shields Odell Lewis, a WWII Veteran}

IT'S A....

BOY!!!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!!!

Okay, but really I knew it.  And I am sooo excited about my little guy.

{the goods... sorry baby boy, but some day you will find this fascinating too}

{baby boy profile... the spots on his abdomen are his heart, stomach, and bladder!}

It was such a fun day.  It is so fun to see Jordan get all excited about his little boy.  I think knowing the gender made it a lot more real for him and he has just been giddy all day.  We had a little mini-date and had lunch together at Panera and dreamed of our life with this little guy.  Then, naturally, I did some damage with my friend Erin.

{whoever said boy clothes aren't CUTE}

{cute little 3-6 month baby shoes for $.97!!  i know they will probably not stay on his feet, but it is the thought that counts}

{who can resist puppy feet?}

{and puppy bum!}

{AND BABY PLAID!!!... pretty sure Jordan has these exact same shirts somewhere}

And now I'm dreaming about the nursery and picking out fabric to decorate!!  I can hardly wait until March!!

You've got the cutest little baby face.

Here is our cute little baby face from my surprise ultrasound on Thursday.  It is laying on it's right side... and you can clearly see eyes, nose, mouth, and cute little pointy chin!!

I can't wait to see more of our baby on the ultrasound on Wednesday!!

20 weeks.

We are HALF-WAY THERE!!!  Wow.  I can't believe it.  The last 20 weeks have just FLOWN by, and with the holidays just around the corner, I feel like before I know it I am going to be just a month away from pushing this baby out!!  


So here is the weekly update - the last one before our baby finally has a known gender!!

Today's date: November 7, 2010 

How far along: 20 weeks

Total weight gain: 7 lbs.  

Size and growth of the baby: Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)

Sex: 3 DAYS AWAY!!!

Maternity clothes: All maternity pants, but still wearing regular shirts.  

Sleep: Still tossing and turning.  My back and hips are getting pretty uncomfortable.  When I can actually sleep it is glorious though.

Best moment(s) of the week: Jordan felt the babe for the first time on Friday night!!  It has been moving like crazy, and he was able to feel it on the outside of my stomach.  I was sooo happy he was able to share in that!!

Movement: More and more every day!  

Food cravings/aversions: Chocolate, orange juice, and the latest - fruit punch!

Morning sickness: Feeling good!!

Symptoms: Still tired... belly is growing... babe is kicking.  I can't really complain!

Labor signs: Way too soon.

Belly button in or out:  In - but definitely feeling shallower! I thought there is no way it would pop out, but now I am not so sure!! 

What I miss: Just being comfortable.  But I know I have about 20 more weeks of discomfort and I am willing to pay that price! :-)

What I'm looking forward to: Gender ultrasound in 3 days!!  Praying for a healthy baby.

What's happening this week:

He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).  Lovely!!  And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies respond best to tastes they've already had via amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you'd like your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch.

{Cantaloupe Baby}

And now for the baby bump!!  Definitely looking rounder these days! :-)

Scary, Embarrassing, Wonderful Week.

This week so far has had it's ups and downs.  Such is life as a mother, I assume.  It is so hard to not worry about every little thing, but my OB reminds me that that is why he is here.  He's the greatest - and I love that I can call and that even my most minor fear he'll either personally call me back or tell me to come in just to ease my mind.  I can't say enough about how THANKFUL I am that I switched.

So on Thursday, all morning I was SUPER crampy.  So uncomfortable and almost nauseous from it.  Not good signs in my mind.  I didn't think I was having contractions, because my stomach didn't feel hard, but I hadn't felt this crampy before in my pregnancy and I didn't like it.  So - of course I called.  The nurse told me to come in, because the Dr. wanted to make sure I wasn't dilating at all (YIKES).  **TMI Warning Ahead** Well - after I talked to the nurse, I found myself in the bathroom on and off for about the next 2 hours.  UGH.  Not fun when you are at work and not at home.  I don't know if I had been constipated and it was just finally working itself out or if I had a bug of some sort.  In any case, it seemed that my bowels were simply not happy and after a few (dozen) trips to the bathroom, all was fine.  I called the nurse and told her my embarrassing story, but she said to still come in to get checked.  My Dr. said this is VERY common (oh goody) and I will only find myself more uncomfortable from this point forward.  All for the good of the cause, I suppose.  BUT - the good part of this story is, I got another ultrasound!!  I am so spoiled.  These ultrasounds are literally like 20 seconds long, but at least I get to see my babe and see the heartbeat and calm my fears.  It showed that I was not dilating, my cervix is doing exactly what it should at this point, and my body is once again fussing at all the changes.  I got a very cute picture of my baby's face, which I will post maybe tomorrow?  It is crazy - you can see eyes, nose, mouth, and a cute little pointy chin.  AHH - love it.  My Dr. asked if I wanted to know boy/girl on Thursday... ohh and it was killing me to say NO because my wonderful hubby was not with me.  But now we are only 4 days away, so I can wait. (4 DAYS??  Did I just say that??)

So, after that scary-turned embarrassing-turned wonderful experience, we had another wonderful experience last night!  This baby has been a crazy bouncing jelly bean in my belly.  It has been moving like CRAZY the past few days.  And the kicks and punches have become much stronger.  Jordan hadn't been able to feel them yet though.  Either they just weren't strong enough, or as soon as he'd put his hand on my belly the baby would decide it is time to simmer down and nap.  Until last night!!  The baby was having a dance party when we were going to bed and Jordan was finally able to feel the baby move on the outside for a good 10-15 mins!!  He couldn't believe how clearly he could feel the kicks - but it was definitely baby and he was thrilled.

I feel bad for him during this whole process.  I feel like I get to experience all the cool stuff, and he just gets to hear about it.  Even the Dr. appts that he can't make seem to be the coolest ones.  But - I guess, on the same token, I am also the one who gets to experience the nausea, headaches, back aches, cramping, food aversions, severe hunger, etc... and he gets to skip out on that fun stuff.  I have asked him many times if he is sad that he is a man and doesn't get to experience pregnancy (hah!).  Because I feel like I would be sad!  He says no time and time again... and tells me he would rather be the one impregnating than being pregnant (very funny).  :-P

Anyway... an eventful week so far.  The 20 week update is TOMORROW and I cannot believe we are half-way.  In 4 months it will be March and we will be in serious count-down mode.  That just blows my mind.

Anatomy Lesson.

It's no wonder I feel like I'm running out of room.

{Before Pregnancy} lots and lots of room for all organs

{20 Weeks Pregnant} yeah - feeling a little squished

... but it is only going to get way way worse.

{40 Weeks Pregnant} YIKES!!!

Let's talk.

Let 2010 be the year where I learn the lesson of trust in a way I never have before.  I am still learning how to let go and trust every day... in ways that I never really imagined.  I guess that is what they call motherhood.


Before getting pregnant for the second time, I had always been quite open and honest about my frustrations and just spiritual struggles.  I had never felt so completely broken as when we had our miscarriage.  I remember sitting having dinner with one of my best friends, and she asked me, "What do you want to say to God right now... anything.".  And I just had no words - nothing... I couldn't even speak, my pain was so deep.  And frankly I didn't want to.  I knew I needed to trust God (and somehow, I still did), but I just needed to sit and let his comfort cover me and that was all... I just needed to be and to grieve and to sort through my pain.


I think that I had a lot more to work through spiritually and emotionally than I realized.  When we got pregnant for the 2nd time, I all of the sudden found myself in a situation where the source of my pain and suffering was a source of hope and joy.  It was confusing.  I still feared, but I saw God's amazing faithfulness.  But - that left me and God in a weird place.  Spiritually - I didn't automatically feel healed and restored.  That pain was still there. 


I don't even know if what I am saying makes sense.  I just never knew how much my physical life and emotions would impact me spiritually and cause me such spiritual distress.  I knew how I had once felt SO connected with God... but with all of the struggles this past year presented us, it took a toll on me and I still have a hard time processing all of it.


In am in this bible study right now on abiding... well - it is more of a study on how to study the bible and we happen to be reading John 15.  This is SO timely for me.  I have felt at a loss at times on how to "get back" to my relationship with God after just sitting and healing.  I have never really been taught how to study my bible, and those technical tools have been amazing.  But, even more so, it is REALLY digging into the meaning of abiding in Christ.  And how that is all there is to it.  I think I sometimes drift toward the "religion" mindset of needing to check this task off my list of "being good" or something... but it isn't about that at all.  It is about Christ knowing me and him wanting me to know him.


Anyway... all that to say... I have been pretty open up until this point.  I wanted to be honest and transparent in the fact that getting pregnant did NOT erase my previous pain and struggle... in fact, I think it complicated my emotions even more.  I have wanted to post about where I am at now, but I have a hard time knowing sometimes.  I am overwhelmed with joy at this new child I now feel bouncing around inside me, overwhelmed with fear that is not of God - because that is human nature - right?, and also, at times, overwhelmed with grief as I remember our would-be January baby.  I don't want to put up this face like pregnancy erased the pain and I forgot about my struggles I was so open about before.  My only hope now is that I can re-learn to abide... that I can be 100% transparent in my journey, because I am a FIRM believer that we were created to live in community, transparent with each other to share in our sufferings... and that I can continue to move forward claiming hope, truth, and trust over the fear it is so easy to slip back into.


About 5 months ago, God spoke these truths to my heart.  I just wanted to repeat them, because I still need to hear them today.

God is bigger and stronger.

The creator of life - more powerful than science.

He does nothing out of vain, but has a purpose for me and a reason for my pain.

He is the King of all and nothing can separate me from his love.

He doesn't change - even when I do.  He doesn't stop loving or caring when I can't even utter a prayer.  He still loves.  And he waits.  He covers me in my lack of faith.

He KNOWS.  Just like I lost a child, so did he - in a much more brutal fashion - and intentionally FOR ME.

This is the small slice of hope and faith I cling to today.