when parenting feels a lot like football (and I need Jesus)

Hello again.

Hello from a season where I simply felt like I didn't have words to share.  Sometimes things are best kept to myself.  Pondered and wondered upon, before just opening my mouth.

I've been pondering how to share life, my heart, and spur and encourage and speak truth without making a big deal of me.  How do I write a blog with my words that makes very little of me and of who I am?  And makes much of Jesus in my life?  I started to believe that it was better to just not say anything at all.

But then I realized, that was more likely insecurity speaking than confidence in the Spirit.  Would Jesus want me to shut up about his goodness in my life?  No!  But Satan would.

So, I'm here.  I'm writing.  I'm continuing to seek Him in my words and what I bring to this space and have asked many for the accountability to let me know if this starts to make too much of me and not enough of Christ.

And also - if you haven't soaked in the Word of God yet today, shut your computer or your phone and read Jesus' words before mine.

So, that's been behind a lot of my writing break.  There's also the fact that I never ever want to write in a way that makes it seem like I'm complaining or I'm ungrateful.  But, let me just say it.  Two years old and 10 months old has shaken my parenting confidence.  And I've decided to write about it because I need camaraderie and encouragement.  And if I feel that way, chances are that you also need to know that you are not alone.

In all honesty, up until the past month or two, I thought I was handling this Mom-of-two deal fairly well.  I knew how to keep Isaac safe from a rampaging toddler.  Methods of choices and distraction worked about 90 percent of the time.  And I kept my cool.

I don't know what changed.  But two years old brings with it a whole new attitude.

Parenting feels a lot like a football field.

At least I imagine so. (don't hold me to it, I failed my football test in gym in 8th grade).  But surely, there are guys whose primary job is to protect the quarterback, right?  And the other team's goal, play by play, over and over, is to take the ball (his toy) and knock him to the ground.  In this game, Isaac is the quarterback.  Jude is the other team.  And I'm the defense - protecting Isaac, keeping him from getting knocked to the ground and his toys constantly stolen.

Only I don't knock Jude to the ground in the process.  Only via time-outs.

If it's not clear by now, I'm not a fan of this game much.

Grace came yesterday in the form of friends stating that they feel the exact. same. way. with their 2.5 year old and 8 month old.  Oh, so it's not just my toddler boy who thinks that tackling, kicking, hair-pulling, and head-butting is the best form of affection (or something).

In all honesty, I've never been one quick to anger until now.  I've been patient, responding in the way I've chosen most of the time.  But when one child is endangering the other?  It's made me snap my tongue more often than I care to admit.

I've never felt more inadequate as a parent than parenting a two-year-old.

And I don't blame him.  He's a boy and he's two.  He's still developing and learning boundaries and the whole bit.  But it is still my job to guide him and love him and teach him about love and grace.  The fact that this is normal and expected doesn't mean that this behavior should be overlooked.  And that job is exhausting.  I fail daily.

And when it comes down to it?  What better way to show him his need for a Savior than a mom who admits that she's so incredibly imperfect too?  If my imperfections mean that he sees his need for Jesus, I'll shout it from the rooftops.

Growing today feels a lot like my the dirty rags that my attempts at goodness are in comparison to God's glory.  Knowing God more means I become less.  It means I see more and more of my own sinfulness and how far I am from holy on my own.

It's tempting to dwell there.  It's tempting to dwell in inadequacy and insecurity and insignificance.  Instead, I know that I am made holy.  I am made clean and perfect.  And I am given God's word and his spirit to guide me.  To convict me and affirm me.  To speak of my value as a daughter of a King.  To bring forth grace when I am so clearly fallen.

Simply put, every day, I'm more stricken by my need for Jesus.  For forever life and for the day to day life.

May I stop trying to find confidence and identity in myself.  Me as a good mom.  Me with well-behaved kids.  Me with a perfect marriage.  Me with a clean house.  Me with early morning quiet times.  This identity will always fail.  My identity in grace, the daughter of the Most High King, will reign always.  So, once again, today I keep walking and seeking my creator for my daily bread.

Love having two under two.

I mentioned it in Isaac's birth story, but prior to his birth I had a lot of fear.  Fear about how adding to my family would change it.  Fear about my relationship with Jude changing.  Fear over if I could love this newest baby well enough.  Fear about how much hard work two under two would be (and I always feel the need to distinguish... not just two under two... 15 months is very different from 24!).

Let me repeat (for myself), fear isn't of our Lord!  

Something I am learning, to surrender my fears and worries to the Lord first.  Be quick to pray.  I tend to be quick to google.  And in about 99.9% of these cases, google doesn't end up being the encouragement I'm looking for.

While I was pregnant, I searched for others' experience with two kids fifteen months apart, and my fear was only fueled.  I read things like "I don't know how we made it through the first year", or "It's REALLY hard work - I wanted to pull my hair out", or "My goal was just to survive every day".

Wouldn't you be afraid?

Well, six weeks into this gig with two boys fifteen months apart, I can tell you I had no reason to fear.  I wouldn't say it has been easy, but it certainly isn't the huge insurmountable task I had imagined.  Parenting in general isn't easy.  It is the most challenging and rewarding thing we will ever do. But I don't think that fact changes whether your kids are 15 months or 15 years apart. :-)

In an attempt to be a voice of encouragement in all the blogs out there putting fear into these future-Mamas' hearts, I will say that I have loved and having two boys so close.  A few reasons why....

First of all, we are already in baby mode.  I do diaper laundry a bit more often (because the boys are both in cloth), but I was surprised how easy it was to just slip Isaac right into the routine.  Baths.  Diapers.  Laundry.  Cribs.  No huge transition in that sense.

Jude was too young to really get jealous.  Of course this could just be his personality.  But all-in-all he has pretty much ignored Isaac.  I am pretty sure that now, six weeks later, Jude doesn't remember life without his baby brother.  We had zero sleep regression or anything of the sort.  Life just went on, only with a baby brother in the mix.

I just love watching this bond slowly develop between my boys.  Right now it is basically Isaac happily watching Jude when he's in the room and Jude being on paci-patrol.  Although, today I did catch Jude trying to give Isaac a drink from his sippy cup.  But I know that in the years to come, these two will be permanent buddies and their close age means they will do everything together.  This makes me very excited that God gave us two boys so close.

Despite what I imagined, I can count on one hand the number of times I have had two babies crying and needing me at once.  Those moments do not make up my entire day, but rather are few and far between.  And God has given me that mother-intuition that I need to make it through the challenging moments.

Really.  That last one sums it up.

God has given me what I need for the moment.  He chose me to parent these boys and he'll give me what I need to get through the challenging times.  I won't lie.  It is a busy life.  A full life.  A life full of opportunities to either freak out and question your abilities... or to stop. breathe. give it to God and thank him for the blessing of two sweet boys.  And trust the intuition that he gave you.

But there are many many moments of pure joy in-between the challenges.  It is not all chaos and craziness.  It is also seeing first smiles again.  Sweet baby coos.  Hearing big brother say his baby brother's name for the first time.  And more love than you thought was possible.

God showed me that he created me for this role.  I am enough.  In Him I am enough.  I'm growing up a bit in this role and gradually gaining more and more confidence.

So, is two under two 15 months "easy"?  Ummm... not the word I would use.  It's full.  And busy.  Most often in a good way.  Life is good. 

I don't know it any other way.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The newborn season.

I'm three weeks and five days into this Mom-of-two gig.  And we've survived so far.  Haha.  I am happy to say that, despite preparing for and expecting the worst case scenario, we are doing well.

The baby fog doesn't lift the second time around.  It is still a cycle of eat, poop (while eating), scream, pee, spit, *insert happy awake time for a couple minutes*, sleep, poop, scream, and poop some more.  The difference this time is I know this is a short season.  I know it gets easier.  The screaming subsides.  The happy awake time lengthens.  And the fun times begin.  I'm trying hard to enjoy the newness of my sweet boy, though.  I don't want to wish it away, yet at the same time I can't wait to see the smiles and hear the laughter.

Many people have asked how Jude has been adjusting.  He honestly hasn't shown a whole lot of interest in Isaac at all.  It's just his young toddler age.  He goes about his daily craziness without much concern for his little brother.  And this is fine by me!  He is on paci patrol - if Isaac loses his paci, Jude is quick to shove it in his face give it back.  He also loves "helping" me change Isaac's diaper - meaning he climbs around on Isaac's rocking chair and empties his drawers while I change Isaac.  The biggest struggle for me concerning Jude has been my recovery from c-section surgery and knowing I'm not supposed to be picking him up, etc... which I have been doing (only as needed) anyway.  It's hard to say "no" to a crying baby who is begging you to hold them (not to be confused with a temper tantrum... we also see plenty of those).

Jude's age has posed some problems, but I think in many ways I'll look back and see how it was even somewhat easier than had he been a few years older.  I have all the struggles any mom would with a 15 or 16-month-old {enter tantrums, being rough, climbing on furniture, and just being a crazy boy in general}.  But he's not jealous.  He hasn't regressed in sleep or anything.  I think he hardly thinks anything of Isaac being around all the time.  He's used to it now.  We're working on being gentle.  I still rarely allow Jude around Isaac for this reason, but I know this will change as they both get older.  We're still very much in just get through the day mode.  I have to say, I am very grateful to Barney for keeping Jude occupied in the same room while I nurse every 2.5-3 hours. {don't judge}

I often find myself wondering, what the heck was so hard about a newborn the first time around??  When it is just me and Isaac, I feel like it's just so simple.  Being a Mama for the second time has definitely eased many of the anxieties I had with Jude as a newborn.  There is also a light at the end of the tunnel.  Isaac is, in general, a much more fussy baby than Jude was.  But, I find it doesn't give me anxiety like it would with Jude.  I feel horribly bad for Isaac as I see him struggle with the gas pain and scream trying to poop {poor buddy}, but it doesn't make my blood pressure elevate and I don't freak out.  I just try to get him comfortable the best I can, and know that this developmental stage will pass soon.  I'm grateful for this perspective this time.

But the mommy-guilt is still real.  While my love has surely doubled, the amount of time in the day surely hasn't.  Right now, Isaac demands most of my attention, and I'm not able to give Jude the one-on-one attention that I used to.  Luckily, Jude is a real daddy's boy and if Dada is home really couldn't care less about me. :-)  I'm fine with this, as it makes it easier.  On the other side of mommy-guilt is feeling like I'm not giving Isaac the same attention I gave Jude at that age.  Of course not - I have a 16-month-old climbing on the couch and grabbing the dog's tail!  I try not to be too hard on myself for this.  It's life.  It is what it is.  And I'm sure that what I'm feeling is normal. 

Right now, I go back and forth between thinking that anyone who has more than two kids must be crazy.... and then also knowing deep in my heart that we're also not done at two.  Having a newborn in the house adds a different dynamic to life.  It's a bit more crazy... a transition... but, as I said, it's a season.  A season where we take things day by day and moment by moment.   A season of chaos, but loads of love.  I'm trying hard to embrace and appreciate the chaos of today and not wish for simpler days ahead.

10, 9, 8....

Somehow I've let the last two weeks go by without a peep.  That just goes to show how fast this summer is flying for me.  But the countdown is on.

It wasn't long ago I had a couple of months to go before meeting boy #2 and now here we are with less than 10 days to go.

So, what have I been doing?

Hanging out with this guy.

And despite being massively huge and uncomfortable, we've been taking advantage of our freedom and flexibility before baby brother comes.

Even though Jude is young, he still shows signs of somehow understanding that we are on the verge of a huge life change.  Lately, he's been lifting my shirt and giving my belly huge lip-smacking kisses.  I never told him to do that.  We do talk about how baby is in Mama's belly and we are going to meet baby brother very soon.  But the kissing?  Just too too sweet.  And this morning he just sat in my lap with his head on my shoulder, snuggling for a good 20 minutes.  This never happens.  

I know everything will change when I meet baby brother.  But I can't help it - right now my mind is still 100% on Jude.  Worrying about this transition for him.  Wondering if he is going to be jealous.  Praying that he will have an instant love for his little brother.  I know it might be hard.  But in any case, it is a season.  I have been so encouraged by the many women who have kids 12-18 months apart that say that they just LOVED it.  The boys will grow up together, doing the same things at the same time, playing with the same toys, going through the same stages.  

But, in the meantime, I don't know what it is like to be a Mama of two.  It still kind of blows my mind.  I am having this baby in no more than 9 days.  In many ways I anticipate this day as the day I stop being pregnant... and oh, yeah... I'm going to have another baby to take care of.  

I'm eager to get on to the next stage... the anticipation of our "new normal" is somewhat overwhelming.  But I know that as soon as I meet baby brother, it will be instant love.  Just as I would give my life for Jude, I know I would do the same for this little guy.  And we'll just live life together.  One day, hour, moment at a time.    

And I will admit... even though the newborn stage can be exhausting - I am looking forward to this again.

(Daddy's Father's Day instagram... squishy Jude with Daddy only about 2 weeks old)

Because only a short 14 months later, that little squish becomes this amazing wild boy. 

Baby boy - we can't wait to meet you SOON!!!

Baby #2 :: 24 weeks

The weeks are truly flying by at this point.  We're going to have a brand new baby boy in a matter of 3.5 months.  Less than 16 weeks.  To put this in perspective, Thanksgiving was less than 16 weeks ago.  That feels forever ago and just yesterday at the same time.  However, I feel the same way about Jude's birth... which was nearly one year ago. {Although we don't talk about that.}

Anyway... 24 weeks down, less than 16 to go!

Today's date: March 11, 2012

How far along: 24 weeks + 1 day
 
Total weight gain:  Approximately 10 lbs.  Yeah, it caught up with me!

Size and growth of the baby: Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up.
 
Gender: Baby brother on the way!!

Maternity clothes: Yes.  Still squeezing into regular tops, though.

Sleep: Oh, man.  Not a good day to ask about that.  My poor little man is sick {fever and all} so the past two days - HORRIBLE.  But otherwise, not too shabby. 

Best moment(s) of the week: LOVED the women's retreat at church this weekend.  I'm sure I'll post about it at some point this week.  Very encouraging, inspiring, and challenging.

Movement: All the time!   

Food cravings/aversions: Pretty much, if it is bad for me, I want it.  *sigh*

Morning sickness: Hasta la vista!

Symptoms: Heartburn.  Growing belly.  Ya know.

Labor signs: Too soon!  Although I have already started having braxton hicks contractions.  They're rare, but they happen!

Belly button in or out: In. 

What I miss: Energy!!

What I'm looking forward to: Another Dr. appt this week on Wednesday!  The rest of the month is packed with fun, a trip to IKEA, and then ends with Jude's 1st birthday. ACK!!!

See how things were going when I was 24 weeks pregnant with Jude.   

It grows.

Today was one of those days.

The days where the love for your child just overwhelm you and it kind of hurts... in a good way.  

My boy is oh, so sweet.  He's quite the Mama boy right now and has been giving me more and more sweet snuggles.  I love to see his affectionate side come out in short spurts between his go-go-go crazy side.  He doesn't give anyone else the same open-mouth kisses.  Not like he kisses his mama.  

And the way he lays his head on my shoulder for a couple of extra seconds of cuddles after nap-time.  

And how when he is sad, or hurt, only Mama will do.  {sorry Dada}  But when it is about play, he knows who to go to {Dada}.

And the way he so excitedly waves his arms to sign "more" and then "all done" at the dinner table.  Such a smarty.

And the way he's learned he can "fake" smile the sweetest cheesiest smile ever.  Oh, my heart.

Or the way he turns and smirks when I say "No, No, Baby!"... stinker.  {although he is obedient most of the time}

God has blessed me!  I don't deserve the privilege of being this boy's Mama.  But somehow God thought I was fit for the job.

It is amazing how my priorities and values have completely changed in the past almost-11 months.  Many of the things I used to care about, meaningless.  But my kids?  Yeah, I'd give my life.

I love that boy.  And I have to admit... I do wonder if I could ever love another the same way.

Then I feel the little bean wiggling about in my belly... just like Jude did.  And I know that I can.  And I do.  Because this love doesn't divide, it only grows.

It is so sweet to be the Mama of boys.

My heart.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face.  Heart-broken, in a way, and hopeful and grateful in another.

There is something I haven't shared on here before, and that is the growing passion that God has been stirring in my heart for the past year or two for the orphan.  For the thousands and thousands of children who do not know the love of a mother and father.  Oh, it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart.

Two days before I found out I was pregnant with #2 I had a serious heart-to-heart with Jordan and told him that after much prayer, I felt that we needed to seriously seek God about adoption in our future.  That it was clear to me that God's heart is for the orphan and that he was asking us to open our hearts and home to more children than he would give us biologically.  I have no idea what this looks like.  I have no idea if this means one more child or four.  I have no idea what this means of us financially.  Or how this is going to change our life.

I just know that if you feel the Spirit leading you in something, you don't ignore it.

I came across this blog shared by another friend, and it has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I start to consider this journey.  She posted this video today... which is the reason for the tears.  Just having a boy of my own, I can't imagine not loving many more boys.  I trust that God will open the doors and lead me to my children... boy or girl.  I know this journey is YEARS off (in many cases, to adopt they request that your youngest be at minimum of 2 years old, I've discovered).  And LOTS AND LOTS and even MORE prayer is required.  But, I just want to encourage you... if you also feel this tugging on your heart, don't ignore it.  Don't think of all the reasons not to.  They will always be there.  But God doesn't call you to something he doesn't intend to provide for.

Anyway... here is the video that caused the tears.

And my own boy is awake from his nap... so Mama duty is on. :-)