a child of God.

I had alluded many months ago that I had a story to tell.  Only, apparently I wasn’t ready.  The story wasn’t finished.  And the story, while I am a character, isn’t mine to tell.  Or, rather, it isn’t a story that the internets should indulge in.

The past year has been beautifully hard, and much of that has been my journey.  So, I will share my journey with adoption, parenting, life this past year, while still seeking to keep my kids stories their own.

I would have never said it out loud and would have rebuked any one who said that adoption is the business of rescuing.  I flew into China, fully aware of my inadequacies.  Never once thinking that I was specially equipped for the task, I often wondered if I had “heard” God right in this call.  It was a passion burning in my heart for certain, but I was terrified.

Our time in China was surreal.  Half-way across the globe, in a world so different, but still so much like mine.  Seeing a culture that was beautiful and broken just like ours.  I fell in love with the country.  And while my heart was ripped into two while we were there, I already knew that this would not be the last time I took such a trip.

Meeting our son was absolutely mind-blowing.  The months of preparing and praying over the few photos that we had and suddenly here he is, in the flesh.  It was almost hard to believe.  In case you didn’t know, our first meeting with Owen was the same time we got custody of him.  There were no visits.  No getting used to us.  No “trying it out”.  We met him, took him home, and less than 24 hours later, he was a Griffis.  Beautiful and challenging all at the same time.

Some people say that it was instant love.  They fell hard for their kids, and attached immediately, despite even being rejected by them.  I often wished this was our story, but it simply wasn’t.  This isn’t a popular or easy thing to say.  In the beginning, I felt more like a babysitter than a mother.  And I grieved this.  It broke my heart.  I felt such a strong intuition and connection with my bio kids, I felt guilty when this wasn’t instantaneous with Owen.  But, of course it wasn’t.  We didn’t know each other.  Not to mention, he was nearing two-years-old and doing all of the age appropriate testing of the boundaries, when he had probably never even had boundaries in the first place.  I felt extreme guilt about my struggle to connect with him.  I felt like my motherhood intuition was broken.  I felt the weight of our lack of history and carried it on my shoulders.  I felt like, after all this time, I wasn’t enough.

Which goes back to the rescuing.  I knew I wasn’t rescuing Owen.  I couldn’t.  But I was living my life day-in-and-day-out trying to.  Trying in my own power to make up for our lost time.  Trying in my own power to fill the gaps and forge a connection between us.  Following the rules, trying in my own power to create an environment where he could heal.

And I burnt out.  I was in bondage, completely afraid that I was screwing up our kids, because it all felt like too much.

Owen was doing well, he was attaching and seemed happy.  But emotionally, I was depleted.

I ended up deciding to give myself some grace (should be obvious, right?)  And I started begging God to fill in the gaps.  And that is when I realized that he had been all along.  That God was rescuing me through all of this.  That one more layer of my self-sufficiency was peeled down and I saw once again my pure dependence on God to do this parenting thing any justice.  And I realized that God loves loves loves my kids even more than I could.  He had protected Owen’s heart from my inadequacy and our lack of history.  He was filling the gaps and at the same time, he was mending our relationship.

Determined to find my words, I started journaling, which once again proved to be the cheapest form of therapy. Day after day I prayed for God to fill the gaps with my kids.  And I tried to find joy in them.  Look them in the eye more.  Say yes more.  Say I’m sorry.  Surrender.  Forgive.  Again and again and again.

And days and months turned into one year in May 2016.  Somewhere around that time I was talking to another China-mama and told part of this story, and as I was speaking, I realized that it was no longer my reality.  It was part of my story, but Owen and I had now built our own history.  The weight of the lack has lifted, as I’ve given that to the Lord.  I now longer even think that I will ever be enough to fill in all the gaps for any of my kids.  And I’ve found freedom.  And even more incredible, a complete and utter adoration and joy in my youngest son.  I feel like his Mama.  He feels like he’s mine.  You have no idea how good it feels to say that.

A few weeks ago in church we were singing the line,

I’m no longer a slave to fear.  I am a child of God.

And I pondered this, finding these opposing ends interesting.  I would never have thought that the antidote to fear would be finding my identity as a child of God.  But the more I thought of this, the more it made sense.  A child, when fearful, will crawl into their parents lap.  Covered, shushed, and assured by their parent.  To crawl into God’s lap in such a way feels like abiding.  It’s knowing him, knowing his promises, allowing him to cover us and our insecurities and inequities, assured that he has conquered our fear.  And it dissipates.

That visualization makes so much sense to me now.  That an identity as a child of God is the most powerful I will ever have.  I’m still learning to rest in it.  But I’m so so thankful for the journey that has lead me here and the children he has given me.

I’m thankful for the journey.  I’m thankful for the hard.  And I’m thankful for this story, because continues to form me into who I am and drive me closer to the Lord.  God didn’t stop having a heart for the orphan, or any child, once they were home with parents.  He doesn’t love me any less.  In fact, he loves to lavish his love on me and surprise me with his goodness.  I would never have known this so deeply without a pit to be brought out of.  A year full of hard and beautiful.

It's time to tell this story.

This has been the hardest, most beautiful year of my life, and I'm about to let to go by with no more than five blog posts about it.  And that is okay.

There are some seasons that are simply beyond words.  The dust has needed to settle a bit before sense can be made out of it.  I want to be real, and not sugar coat the complicated emotions and heartache, but at the same time celebrate all the amazing ways I've seen incredible growth and love and redemption and healing.  So, if you ask me how things are going, I might say a quick "Good".  Because I'm a glass-half-full kinda girl.  But the real answer is, "Really good.  And really hard."

I think it is time to share this story.  The beautiful and the painful.  But this isn't just our story, it is Owen's too.  And that is a huge reason why I haven't found words to write yet.  I have needed to give some time for this story to play out, and figure out what is Owen's to keep and what is mine to share.  At the same time, I definitely feel compelled to share this story, all while honoring Owen's history.  And that is what I intend to do.

Over the next many weeks, I want to get this story written down before it leaves my memory.  It has been incredible and the most beautiful, convicting, refining, and humbling experience of my life.  And we're only six months in.

This Owen Kang is nothing short of amazing.  He simply blows me away.  Sometimes I look down at this boy, snuggled up against my chest, rubbing his blankie with one hand and the other with a thumb in his mouth, and I can't believe we've only known each other six months.  Six months and he trusts like this?  He was so ready for us.

This beautiful story of family and growth and hard and relationship and love, could only have been written by the One who loves each of us beyond measure.  I'm so excited to share it with you.

Soon.

 

So, it's May.

So, it's May.

I haven't updated, not for lack of things to say, but it has been so hard to find the time to really flesh out all that has been going on into words.  Then I remember, for me, it is writing that is therapeutic and will help me process, so here we go.

We leave in 12 days.  TWELVE DAYS.  Twelve days until I will be in my littlest's country, only days away from squeezing his cheeks and making up for all the snuggles and kisses we've missed the previous 20 months.

My heart is in a state of constant tension right now.  So excited and eager to go get this boy and bring him home and begin the process of loving him to trust us and feel safe with us.  At the same time, right now I am already feeling grief over leaving my other two boys for 17 days.  I get choked up just thinking about it.

But here are some truths that I know.

1. God has us all.  All the time.  In our togetherness and in our separation.  God will be there, and he can communicate love and affection to my kids when they are not with me.  All three of them.

2. Jude and Isaac will be so loved and spoiled by my parents that I'm sure 17 days will feel like 17 seconds.  That, and I may have gone a little overboard on the daily gifts for them while we are gone.  Oh well, what can you do?  They will be in good hands.

3. Redemptive work often involves sacrifice.  In all honesty, I'm sure China is amazing, but I don't know that I would have just left my kids and sat on an airplane for 14 hours for the experience.  Actually, I do know.  I wouldn't do it.  This leaving 2 huge pieces of my heart is sacrifice.  It's part of the hard work.

4. But, then I'm reminded that in 17 days, there is a boy who will be mine and will be a part of a family for the first time in his life and what JOY that gives me.  I have only a tiny picture of what this next season of our life is going to look like, but I do know that it involves a lot of trust in God.

People ask me, are you ready?  Yes, and no.  Yes, because I CAN NOT WAIT for my family of 5 to be under one roof.  No, because how are you ever ready for something that is going to completely change your life?  I have no idea.  But I know God is about to perform a great work, bringing a family-less boy into our family, and he will qualify Jordan and I for the job.  So, yes, as unready as we are, we will be ready.

now we're sprinting...

Earlier this week I was Facebook-chatting with a fellow China-adoption-Mama who is also bringing home a sweet boy from China.  I asked her when she planned to travel, and she replied "May".  She then asked about us.  I replied "Planning for August, but praying for July."  I was shocked by her optimism as she said "Oh girl, you will travel before August.  I bet you travel in May with us."  I laughed it off.  July was stretching it in my mind, but May?

The next day, we were gathered around the dinner table (who am I kidding... Jordan and I were, I'm sure one of the kids was under the table and the other was probably standing on his head) when the phone started buzzing.  I try to keep a strict "no phone" policy around the dinner table, but when I happened to see Eugene, OR on the number, I knew what that meant.

"Your LOA has arrived!!"  said our caseworker.

My polite phone voice flew out the window as I sputtered "WHAT ON EARTH!?!  HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?!?!"

She laughed and said that due to the Chinese New Year, our file must have gotten expedited to be completed before everyone took a vacation.

You guys.  We were planning on waiting 3 or 4 months for our LOA (letter of acceptance) to arrive.  It took one week.

Waiting for this document was a huge chunk of our 6 month wait out the window.  So when do we expect to travel now?

"I would expect May.  Possibly June, but no later."

You guys.  YOU GUYS.  I have been so overwhelmed, processing this had me up until midnight that night because I did not even know what the next steps were!  I had months to wait, why would I jump the gun and drive myself crazy?  Well, as it turns out, we don't even have time to think.  Our baby steps to pick up Owen have turned out into an all out sprint as we anticipate traveling to get him this Spring.  I don't even need to count months.  I could count weeks at this point and it wouldn't be crazy.

I texted many friends with my outrageous news and one replied "It doesn't surprise me in the least.  God moves mountains to bring his orphan children home."

Oh you of little faith.

How many times have I stepped onto this water and believed I was sinking only to be pulled up by the arm of Christ, telling me that he has prepared the way.  Wow.

I am still overwhelmed.  But as tempted as I am to fear in the midst of this very big change, I'm going to reject it.  I could spell out the many reasons I fear for myself, the transition for Jude and Isaac, just FLYING TO CHINA (cool, but ummm freaky)... but again.  The road has been paved.  God cares about my anxieties and my fears so much that he continually prompts me to just let them go at His feet.  He continually reminds me that he has written this story and he is trustworthy.

So onward we go.  In May.

the story of this boy.

Only God can write a story this good. A story that even what the enemy means for evil, He makes good. All the time.

That devil tried to steal family from a sweet baby boy. Steal the love of a father and a mother. God wouldn't have it.

I already love this story, but first we need to back up.  

The week leading up to this one was hard.  It was hard for me.  Hard in the parenting department.  Hard emotionally, hormonally, whatever.  Just hard.  The previous Monday we had just submitted our paperwork to our adoption agency to say we would gladly adopt a boy or a girl.  I knew it was right, but that week, instead of dreaming of the future, I found myself paralyzed with fear.  What if I fail at this?  I can barely keep up with my own two boys, what am I thinking?  I'm not cut out for a big family or adoption.  This just feels hard.

I was signed up to attend the IF:Gathering conference that weekend and the thought crossed my mind more than once to skip the conference entirely.  I never spoke the words, and I knew I would be too stubborn to skip.  I'm so glad I didn't.  But I was exhausted.

February 5.  I was scheduled to fly out of Grand Rapids (by myself) to Austin, TX (by myself) to attend this conference (by myself).  Luckily I had Facebook connected with a gal who I had a mutual friend with, so despite having never met her before, I didn't feel completely alone.

My first flight ended up being delayed 3 hours, which was okay, because already my second flight was rescheduled to be about 2 hours later.  Luckily, I heard about the delay before leaving for the airport, so instead of sitting by myself for hours, waiting, I had lunch with my mom and boys and then left for the airport.

Boarding time was about 20 minutes away when I get a phone call.

Eugene, OR

Said my caller-ID. 

This can only mean one thing.  Our adoption agency is in Eugene, OR.  And they really have no reason to call, except for one.

I have a referral for you!

Said the singsong voice on the other end of the phone.  My heart started racing.  I quickly told the caseworker that I had to get on a plane very soon so, tell me everything as fast as you can!

It's a baby boy!!....

I was shaking.  Us?  Now?  This soon?  I was shocked, but not surprised in the least all at once.  My caseworker said she would email me the file, and all I could think was that I just can't wait to see this boys face.  Can. Not. Wait.

They called to board the plane as I drained my phone battery by continuing to hit refresh. refresh. refresh.

The plane took off before the file came in, and as we ascended to cloud-level, it hit me for the first time that I have a child on the other side of the world.  

I knew that ambiguously for the past year or so, but now I knew it for certain.  There was a boy out there, living and breathing, that I could claim as my own.  

The email was waiting for me when we landed and I saw my son's face for the first time.  Such an odd thing, to see your child's face for the first time... as a toddler.  The beauty and complexity of adoption is more real than ever.

And he is just the most perfect little boy.  In his photos and videos, he is just so happy and full of life and I have nothing but gratitude for the fact that he has already, CLEARLY been loved on.  Oh, Lord, you answered my prayers for kisses.  I pray that he continues to get the affection and nurture that he needs to thrive.  

So allow me to informally introduce you to our dear son, Owen.  

Young warrior.  Thrown from birth into the battle for his life.  He was God's first, but now he is mine. 

You hear that, son? You have always been and always will be God's first, but YOU. ARE. MINE. 

These fears I talked about?  They don't matter. They don't. They are bred my of my human responses, just fleeting emotions, but NOT truth.  Fears don't care about an all powerful and supernatural God.  Fears don't remember Him. But the Spirit in me does, and that is who I am going to listen to. 

Those fears that say “I could never adopt”? Why not?  That is the question we came to. WHY. NOT? The “I could never” is fear speaking.  Drown that sucker. 

Those fears that say “I could never raise three crazy boys”? Why not?  I have no experience, but apparently boys and girls are quite different to raise, because people tell me all the time.  But you know what?  Man, I love boys.  Ever since having my own in my womb the first time, God has been cultivating a sweet spot in my spirit for boys.  It wasn't long after, I visioned a house full of boys.  Wow.  It does souls crazy and energetic and dangerous.  But wow.  WOW.  So good.  What a privilege.  To raise MEN.

It was a whirlwind of a weekend.  But we are taking this step.  Pushing aside all fear and doubt in the confidence that the Lord has prepared this road for us.  And we couldn't feel more honored.

Owen, my boy.  We're coming for you.  Consider yourself one less orphan.


P.S.  You have no idea how badly I wish I could share these videos and photos of our boy, but we simply can't until he is officially ours.  Just picture the most adorable Chinese face you ever did see, and you'll have it right.

it started on Monday

Before I tell the real story, I have to tell the back story.  The prompts and nudges by God that lead us to change our mind.  To ask different questions, and once again, pray about why we are doing this and what does God have for us.

It seems that the initial decision to adopt was even easier than this one.  The special needs program in China pulled my heart strings.  No, YANKED them.  As I was looking at the faces of the cleft kids and club foot kids and heart kids, I literally felt like God was telling me I was looking into the face of my future child.

When we were discussing whether or not to adopt, the question was never where.  We hardly discussed that, amazingly enough.  It was always China.  Always special needs (which the term is more loosely used in this context than how we say it in America.  Any additional medical need is considered "special needs").

And, it's China.  We assumed there were girls upon girls waiting.  We, too, believed that the effects of the one-child-policy in China were still rampant and that there were baby girls just waiting for families.  I read blogs upon blogs of families who had adopted from China, and at that point, most of them had adopted girls.  This gave me a vision for what this might look like, and I started to dream of adding a daughter to our family.  Also, we have two boys already.  This also seemed like a no brainer.  As we were submitting our application, we checked "girl".  Again without discussion (which seems crazy to me now, but God has His own timing for things).

Until we started getting emails from our agency.  "There is an urgent need for parents to adopt boys, but you will wait 6-9 months for a girl."

An URGENT NEED.  It is boys who need families. The orphanages and foster homes were not overflowing with girls... but boys.

It wasn't the difference in wait time that bothered me.  Our documents had already been in China for nearly 3 months.  I was fully prepared to wait longer for a referral.  In fact, the timeline moving closer scared me a bit.  But email after email came in expressing the fact that boys are waiting for families, while families are waiting for girls.

the adoption of boys, lwbcommunuty.org

Ugh.  My heart.

You see, I have two boys.  Two rowdy, incredibly active, sometimes defiant, but always sweet and up for a snuggle, all-out-boys.  I love having boys.  I really really do.  From what I hear, having boys is very different from having girls.  In fact, more than once people have told me "God knew what he was doing not giving me boys, or only giving me one".... I never quite know how to respond to that, because as much as they exhaust me, it is a pure pleasure to raise men.  And man, I wrestled in a huge way with the fact that boys were waiting, and we were saying NO based on the fact that they are boys, when I had two boys I adored right at home.

So, the conversation started even before our dossier was done.  But it is hard to let go of something you have been dreaming about.  I even have a bag of girl clothes in the closet, because I snuck them out of the leftovers of our garage sale.  It has been the vision.  I just started to question, where this vision came from.  I started to pray, God, did you call us to adopt a girl, or did you simply call us to adopt from China?

We knew that if we checked "boy or girl" from the beginning we would be quickly matched with a  boy.  And this change in vision needed lots of prayer and time.  So we kept our application marked "girl" and prepared to wait and pray.

We waited for months, uneasy, and feeling a little lump in my throat every time I said we were adopting a girl, because it started to feel like when I said that, what I was really saying was that I was saying no to a boy.

In January, Jordan told me that he had been praying about whether we should adopt a boy or girl again.  This shocked me, because prior to that we had said that the vision of a daughter was what was given to us and we needed to pray.  But over the past month of prayer, we both came to think that the vision of a daughter wasn't necessarily of God.

One night, after discussing the possibility of changing our adoption to a boy, I was struggling to sleep and suddenly clearly remembered what started the seed of adoption in my heart.  I woke up and searched my blog, certain I had written about it, and I was right.  A video, I posted 3 years prior, about the plight of being an orphan boy.  I wrote at that point Just having a boy of my own, I can't imagine not loving many more boys. And I realized that is still true today.  The next morning I prayed as I showered (because when else do I get complete quiet and solitude?) and I just felt a huge sense of God telling me to trust Him with my family.  However that my grow.  However many children he has for me, it is already in His plan.  I can trust Him.   

You see, it might be crazy, but here is what I believe happened.  If I had been thinking "boy" all along, I'm not sure it would have lead me to China.  I associate China with girls.  In fact over 75% of families who adopt (in general, but especially in China) go there specifically asking for girls.  I was one of them!  The truth is, that now it isn't "girls" who are being surrendered for adoption in China so much as the special needs kids, and in that crowd, boys and girls are equal.  But boys wait, because more people are asking for girls.  So, I think God lead me to China before he lead me to a boy, because boys in China are waiting.

Now, I want you to hear me on this.  I do not believe that if we had stayed only choosing a girl, that it would have been wrong, immoral, or selfish.  I don't believe that at all.  So, those of you who feel God's call on your life to adopt a daughter, DO.  PLEASE do.  Right now, the way things are, yes you will wait for a daughter, but the only people who are adopting those girls are people who are specifying that they will only take a girl.  If you say boy or girl, you will get a boy with about 98% certainty (unofficial numbers I'm making up myself, but still).  I believe God can give you a vision for adopting a daughter.  This is just our journey... the way God guided our steps to lead us to who is supposed to be our child.  And it simply looks different than we had originally thought.

Over the past many weeks, we've prayed through this decision.  Talked.  I've asked for prayer from my closest friends, and asked them to call me out if I start sounding off or crazy.  And it eventually brought us to Monday.

We felt that we could both say that we truly didn't feel a tug either way, boy or girl.  We would be thrilled with either.  So we took a turn in our journey on a Monday.  We submitted our document on February 2, to say we would love to have either a boy or a girl.

That brings us to the following Thursday... (click to read the rest of the story).

praying for kisses.

Some days are harder than others.  Many days it is so easy for me to go about my life without recognizing that there is a third child out there somewhere.  The busy monotony of mothering a two and three-year-old make that easy.  But other days, like today, oh how I long for that child.  I long for her.  My heart aches for her.  To hold her, and love her, and bring her home.

Everything in me is ready for our family to grow.  And sometimes I wonder why God has us on this journey.  I love adoption and I am so thrilled to grow our family in this way.  But even now, it is hard.  Right from the beginning, it starts in the hard places.  A daughter somewhere on the other side of the world and I cannot love and kiss when I feel so compelled.  I feel pregnant with anticipation, yet, still so disconnected.  So different from bringing my other children into the world.  The same longing and love and eagerness to meet, but overshadowed by the dark circumstances that surround her current life.  My daughter doesn't know her mother.  She doesn't know that she will be forever loved.  I can't wait to tell her this, but right now it breaks my heart.

I often sit behind a family in church who recently brought a baby boy into their home.  Fostering him since he was days old, and I do hope he can stay with them forever.  I watch their whole family, parents and children alike, just shower him with kisses.  And I feel like I am watching the kingdom at work right before my eyes.  A holy love that cannot be explained by anything but an overflowing of the love of the Creator.  It is beautiful to watch.  But my heart still breaks that it has to be that way.  As heart-warming as it is to watch, I know that there will be no need for adoption and foster families in heaven.  We will all be perfectly loved and love perfectly in the presence of God.  But until then, we live it out the best we can on earth.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting behind that same family, with their beautiful child and watched this baby be doted on by the older children.  But the heart-warming feelings I had suddenly turned to sadness for me as I recognized, that, like this family, I have a child somewhere whose genes I do not share.  But my daughter is probably not being doted on and kissed and smothered and loved properly.  I don't even know if she is picked up when she cries.  My heart broke in an instant.  This reality hits me like a ton of bricks every now and then.  I found myself praying that she would be kissed.  Wherever she is, whoever cares for her.  Just kisses.  So now, when I am hit with the reality of the brokenness that she lives in now, I pray that she would still be receiving affection and kisses from those around her.

I just can't wait until it is me.  

If you happen to think of us and this crazy journey that we're on, we truly covet your prayers.  For us, yes, and our patience and sanity, but even more so, for our daughter.  She is somewhere in China, maybe or maybe not getting kisses and affection.  Her world is going to be rocked, and it is going to hurt.  Pray for her heart.  And pray that she would be kissed by someone who loves her, until it can be from her forever family.

DTC and a little fundraiser

I sat Jordan down the other day and said, "let's talk about what we're going to quit!!"

I only half meant it.  Truth is, this season has been overwhelming and I clearly see that I have taken too much on my plate.  Thus, the lack of updating here.  But, the good news is that many of the projects I have had going on are ending, and so I am looking forward to a much more relaxed holiday season!

The most exciting news I have... we are finally DTC (dossier to China)!!!!  Our LID (Log In Date) was officially two days ago on the 18th, which basically means we are completely eligible to be matched with a child.  We are only waiting for our time to come.

The waiting is a hard lesson for me.  It reminds me of the 2 week wait while trying to get pregnant... month after month, wondering if I'll get that positive test (or phone call!).  The difference here is that I KNOW I will get that phone call some day.  It just probably won't be for another 4-7 (or more) months.  (That is the timeline we are looking at.)  I feel in limbo and out of control, which is a common theme in adoption and parenting in general.  But that waiting feeling makes me all squirmy and want to fight it.  I keep finding things to be anxious about or things that I must want to change, because simply WAITING and being still, well, that's just too hard.  But... just like I believe with all my heart that God allowed me to get pregnant and give birth to just the right boys he picked out for me, the same goes with our China baby.  At just the right time, I will get that phone call about just the right baby for our family.  I believe that.  But patience is hard.  

What's hard about waiting is that I forget that I am HERE and NOW.  I am looking forward to the next thing, the next season, the next change.  I can become obsessed with it to the point where I am not grateful for today.  I'm conscious of this, and actively trying to change this.  Being more present, and being intentional to remember and write down what I loved about today.  I always want to be hopeful for the future, but live my today.  Because, really, that is all that I am guaranteed.

In the meantime - we are having an auction to raise funds to bring our baby girl home!!  Unfortunately, unlike giving birth, there is no health insurance that will cover the many expenses that come along with adoption. We are looking at a bill of over $30,000 to cover agency fees, home study fees, government processing fees, education fees, travel expenses, and more. We have saved up as much money as we can, but we still realize that we will not meet that $30,000 mark without help. We see this auction as a way to let our friends and family get involved in a fun, tangible way.  It starts in a week, so go ahead and take a peak at what has been donated so far!  We've been so blessed by so many friends stepping up and helping out.

If any of you are interested in donating, please email me (link should be to the right)!  Otherwise, have fun shopping!!

about those bumps in the road.

I suppose no adoption process is complete without ending up in tears at the secretary of state's office.  This week has been a struggle.  We've had some major paperwork drama in the adoption department and I've just found myself extremely frustrated.  And exhausted.

I knew this process was most likely not going to be a smooth and easy ride.  Everyone told me to expect bumps.  Expect resistance.  Expect battle.

I have a little one in China somewhere, and even though I don't know what she looks like or her name, I have a Mama Bear instinct that is already kicking in.  And it feels like I am fighting for my child.

While I am most definitely frustrated with having to deal with the consequences of issues that arise, I'm mostly frustrated by the lack of peace I have when I get all worked up like this.

There is so much more to this battle than what is on the surface.  There is a battle of flesh, but there is a battle of spirit.  I know that Satan hates redemption.  He hates adoption.  And he thrives in chaos.  Oh, how often I forget that my God is about peace.  And that HE is sovereign.

That doesn't mean that I have to like what is going on.  But it does mean that in everything, I can present my requests to the one true God, and claim a peace that passes understanding.

It is still a choice to surrender.  The Lord wants our daughter home.  I believe it.  I don't believe it is for no reason that he called us to this.  So, I'll trust in His ultimate plan and His timing.  And if that means that it takes longer than I would like, so be it.  Cuz, Lord knows I would have had her home yesterday.  And if not, I still am so so very blessed.  No matter what, I have every reason to live in gratitude.  Heart, please don't forget that.

I posted something on instagram about this battle of paperwork I was dealing with, and one friend encouraged me, write it all down.  Your daughter will want to hear about the battle for her soul one day.

It felt like a word from the Lord.  Maybe not.  But I need to hash this out instead of bottling it up.  I'm an external processor and this is my online abode.  So, my journey will be documented here.  And as you read, I ask you to please pray.  Pray for peace for my worried Mama heart.

Pray that the officer at the USCIS that we are assigned is gracious and has a passion for uniting families and will not be nit-picky about minor issues in our home study.

Pray that I'd remember to fight frustration with gratitude.

Pray for the health and safety and heart of our sweet China girl, who I believe has a beating heart somewhere on the other side of the world.


Adoption Timeline Update:

Home Study Approved - August 7, 2014
I800A mailed - August 25, 2014
Michigan Documents Certified - Sept 16, 2014
Discovered Home Study was a rough draft and contained no edits, so new home study printed and overnighted to USCIS (yes, this happened) - Sept 17, 2014

he already sees

The other day, I was driving to somewhere with a new kid's album on, purchased at the recommendation of a friend.  This one is my new favorite, with simple Bible songs over really pleasant folky guitar.  A nice change over the sometimes-obnoxious Pandora Toddler Radio that often plays.

The third song started singing about Moses.  And something about this song struck a cord in my heart.  I felt a lump in my throat as I pondered the words.

Who saved a baby in a boat? 
Who kept that baby’s boat afloat? 
Who loved that baby in the reeds? 
Who knows just what a baby needs? 

Who cares for you in just that way? 
And gives you all you need today? 
Yes, God’s the one who, day by day 
Will care for you in every way.

We are two months deep into the adoption paperwork, and I still have a difficult time wrapping my mind around how this is going to flesh out in real life.  I do feel like I have a daughter with a beating heart, somewhere, half-way around this world.  When I dwell on it I feel a huge urgency in my spirit to bring her home.  But much of the time, it still seems so far away.  Without a face attached to my somewhere-daughter, it's easy to forget that she even exists yet.  That sounds horrible, but it's true.  But truth is, she probably needs my prayers more than ever now, before she is home.

As I listened to this song, my mind was stuck on her.  My sweet baby girl, somewhere.  Being kept afloat by the only one who holds life in his hands.  Loved already.  Her needs known already.  Cared for, and given what she needs in a way I simply can't yet.

Man.  A mixture of heartbreak and complete gratitude as I pondered that God cares for our baby girl just as he cared for Moses.  An orphan baby just floating about, wondering who is going to put a roof over her head.  And one more picture for me of how deeply God loves and cares for the orphan.  Over and over again in His story, he has used the fatherless to bring forth his great plan.  How easily I forget that the God of the universe already sees and loves her.

As I'm driving, I hit repeat on the song a time or two, using as a prayer for the face I have yet to see.  And then it hits me again.

Do I not believe that the same is also already true for me?

I struggle with striving.  Trying to do it on my own instead of surrendering.  Living as if I need to prove my worth or something , when really God already cares and gives me what I need.  And even, feeling like who am I to be on this journey.  How often I need to rest in his truth, as a mom especially.  With a two-year-old and a three-year-old I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.  My kids don't always buy into my plans for good behavior.  My method of discipline often seems to fall short when two tantruming boys seem to result in only more ugly behavior... often from me.

Still.  I am seen.  My needs are known.  And I only need to abide.  Fill my mind with truth, instead of the lies that I'm unworthy.  Rest in Him.

Now this song has become my prayer for my baby girl, wherever she is, that she find His love covering her already.  That she would feel seen.  Cared for.  Known.  Peace beyond understanding.  Despite whatever chaos may be in her world right now.

adoption fundraiser garage sale

What a busy week.  I haven't even taken the time to BLOG about what is happening this weekend.  Our first official adoption fundraiser is underway!  And of course, in the most possible time-consuming way.  Friends from all journeys of our life have donated items to our garage sale this weekend.  I have been seriously blown away at how much GOOD quality stuff we have received for this sale.  We have the greatest and most supportive community here.  If every item is purchased, it will put a small, but albeit, still impactful dent in the $35,000 bill headed our way.

So, if you are in the area - please stop by and say "hi" and enjoy some homemade cookies from friends (sold by two cute little boys), and maybe you'll find a treasure or two in all the "stuff" in our garage!

*email me for our address

life just means we keep walking

Just a quick note.  I can't even begin to express how much all of your encouragement and prayers means to us.  I was blown away by the excitement and support with which our friends responded to our adoption news.

This is all still very very new to us.  But, it hasn't taken long to learn that things keep moving swiftly along.  Our application is being transferred from this person to that person and now we need this form completed, and that form notarized, and on and on.  Not to mention, the prospect of the largest bill we have ever seen.  Unfortunately, unlike giving birth, there is not health insurance to cover the costs associated with bringing this baby home.

There are many things that could scare us away.  By the world's standards, there are many things we should fear.  But I'm continually seeking to choose to surrender my mind to the Lord instead of to fear.  Emotionally, there are times when I feel like WHAT are we doing?!  because the unknown of it all feels like too much (and I know I haven't seen anything yet).  But in the end, it is a decision that we make.  Choosing to take the next step and to trust.  That God will provide.  WE are nothing special.  The sweet girl that will (Lord willing) be a member of our family, however, is something spectacular and fierce.  I know it already.  But, right now, we are just making the decision to keep walking.

I'm studying Galatians right now with my Monday morning ladies, and the timing couldn't be more appropriate.  I completed it on my own only weeks before starting this study, so it is being hammered in my head, and rightfully so.  I am FREE in Christ.  How many things in my life have I let bind me? How many things in my life have I tried to make my Savior?  Far too many.  Works.  Comfort.  Approval of my friends.  

I've been reading a study guide by Tim Keller, and while studying Chapter 3, he made the observation that we tend to create our own functional saviors out of comfort, control, or approval.  It just kind of stopped me in my tracks, making me examine my own heart.  In my moments of anger, of fear, insecurity, or any emotion that is contradictory to what the Lord has instilled in me, what am I seeking more than Him?
Control?
Approval of other people?

I've written those three words in my journal to continually check if there is an area in my heart that is trying to make a savior out of one of those.  Because these so-called functional "saviors" are not saviors at all.  There is no saving being done.  Only bondage to whatever it is you serve.  I know it well.

It seems that no matter what is head of us, each day is just putting one foot in front of the other.  Trusting the Lord and asking Him to mold us into what He needs us to be.  Daily surrender.  I wish it were more easy.

How's that for a few thoughts for a Friday night?

on baby #3...

It is not every day you get to do something that you know is going to dramatically change your life.  And someone else's.  Yet, today is that day.

{don't worry... old photo... there is no longer snow on the ground!}  

Today is the day we submitted our adoption application.

You read that right.  Our family is growing!  I have been getting the questions concerning baby #3 for months now.  Which is about right, considering Isaac will be TWO in two months (which seems simply impossible).  I have baby fever in the worst way.  Everything about me feels like it is time to grow our family.  And I feel a nervous excitement as we begin this journey.

Adoption has been on my heart for years, but, unlike others, it was not something that I always wanted to do.  My vision for my family as I was growing up never included adoption.  I always loved it, and thought it was great... for other people.  In fact, I never had a real vision for my family at all.  I knew I wanted more than two kids, but what that looked like was completely up in the air to me.  It wasn't until Jude was born... and probably about a month old, that the tragedy and beauty of adoption struck me.  I saw how this little person needed me, relied on me, and loved me.  And I remember sitting and watching videos of parent-less boys in India, just in tears, knowing that those most basic needs of love weren't being met for them.

A few months later, I told Jordan that I wanted to pray together about adoption as a way of growing our family.

The very next day I found out I was pregnant with Isaac.  Clearly, a "not now" from God.

During my pregnancy with Isaac, I considered the fact that it may be my last pregnancy.  However, that also is not certain.  I have no idea how God is going to grow our family in the future.  All we know how to do is take one step at a time - one kid at a time.  We have prayed through, and looked at how we want to grow our family from a million different directions, and no matter what, we keep coming back to adopting now.  We feel that baby #3 should be adopted.

We also keep coming back to a specific country.  China.  I cannot say WHY China, except to say that it has completely captured my heart.  Months and months ago, while perusing adoption blogs, I came across a blog with a sweet Chinese girl with a cleft lip and palate.  I'm not sure whose blog, but probably Ashley's or Angie's.  I couldn't get her out of my mind.  This was last fall, and I brought it up to Jordan and wasn't quite met with the same enthusiastic and maybe somewhat hormonal-impulsive decision to jump right in.

My hubby is a slow decision maker, and I am so grateful for that, because so many good things have happened in this season of waiting.  We prayed through it, researched our heart's out about China, orphans, international adoption, the problems with it, the tragedy of it, the risk and potential pain, and also the redemptive beauty of it.  And in the end, came to a resounding YES in both of our hearts.

And so we make the decision to leap, and trust God in this journey.

The best way to describe how I feel is nervous and excited.  And on the verge of tears all the time.  I'm overwhelmed and overjoyed at what this means for our family.  And we desperately covet your prayers as we begin this journey.  A long journey is ahead of us indeed - that will not stop once we have our baby girl in our arms.  We know we are signing up for something that begins with tragedy and pain.  We know this could be very hard.  But we also know that God uses such situations for His glory.  And that is why we are doing this.  Because we feel like, right now, we have the ability and the desire to open our family to someone who did not come from our womb.  And that is such a tragic and beautiful thing when it all comes down to it.

So, in a way, I feel like I'm announcing the longest pregnancy ever.  Baby #3 is on her way!  And sweet girl, we cannot wait to meet you!

My heart.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face.  Heart-broken, in a way, and hopeful and grateful in another.

There is something I haven't shared on here before, and that is the growing passion that God has been stirring in my heart for the past year or two for the orphan.  For the thousands and thousands of children who do not know the love of a mother and father.  Oh, it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart.

Two days before I found out I was pregnant with #2 I had a serious heart-to-heart with Jordan and told him that after much prayer, I felt that we needed to seriously seek God about adoption in our future.  That it was clear to me that God's heart is for the orphan and that he was asking us to open our hearts and home to more children than he would give us biologically.  I have no idea what this looks like.  I have no idea if this means one more child or four.  I have no idea what this means of us financially.  Or how this is going to change our life.

I just know that if you feel the Spirit leading you in something, you don't ignore it.

I came across this blog shared by another friend, and it has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I start to consider this journey.  She posted this video today... which is the reason for the tears.  Just having a boy of my own, I can't imagine not loving many more boys.  I trust that God will open the doors and lead me to my children... boy or girl.  I know this journey is YEARS off (in many cases, to adopt they request that your youngest be at minimum of 2 years old, I've discovered).  And LOTS AND LOTS and even MORE prayer is required.  But, I just want to encourage you... if you also feel this tugging on your heart, don't ignore it.  Don't think of all the reasons not to.  They will always be there.  But God doesn't call you to something he doesn't intend to provide for.

Anyway... here is the video that caused the tears.

And my own boy is awake from his nap... so Mama duty is on. :-)