he already sees

The other day, I was driving to somewhere with a new kid's album on, purchased at the recommendation of a friend.  This one is my new favorite, with simple Bible songs over really pleasant folky guitar.  A nice change over the sometimes-obnoxious Pandora Toddler Radio that often plays.

The third song started singing about Moses.  And something about this song struck a cord in my heart.  I felt a lump in my throat as I pondered the words.

Who saved a baby in a boat? 
Who kept that baby’s boat afloat? 
Who loved that baby in the reeds? 
Who knows just what a baby needs? 

Who cares for you in just that way? 
And gives you all you need today? 
Yes, God’s the one who, day by day 
Will care for you in every way.

We are two months deep into the adoption paperwork, and I still have a difficult time wrapping my mind around how this is going to flesh out in real life.  I do feel like I have a daughter with a beating heart, somewhere, half-way around this world.  When I dwell on it I feel a huge urgency in my spirit to bring her home.  But much of the time, it still seems so far away.  Without a face attached to my somewhere-daughter, it's easy to forget that she even exists yet.  That sounds horrible, but it's true.  But truth is, she probably needs my prayers more than ever now, before she is home.

As I listened to this song, my mind was stuck on her.  My sweet baby girl, somewhere.  Being kept afloat by the only one who holds life in his hands.  Loved already.  Her needs known already.  Cared for, and given what she needs in a way I simply can't yet.

Man.  A mixture of heartbreak and complete gratitude as I pondered that God cares for our baby girl just as he cared for Moses.  An orphan baby just floating about, wondering who is going to put a roof over her head.  And one more picture for me of how deeply God loves and cares for the orphan.  Over and over again in His story, he has used the fatherless to bring forth his great plan.  How easily I forget that the God of the universe already sees and loves her.

As I'm driving, I hit repeat on the song a time or two, using as a prayer for the face I have yet to see.  And then it hits me again.

Do I not believe that the same is also already true for me?

I struggle with striving.  Trying to do it on my own instead of surrendering.  Living as if I need to prove my worth or something , when really God already cares and gives me what I need.  And even, feeling like who am I to be on this journey.  How often I need to rest in his truth, as a mom especially.  With a two-year-old and a three-year-old I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.  My kids don't always buy into my plans for good behavior.  My method of discipline often seems to fall short when two tantruming boys seem to result in only more ugly behavior... often from me.

Still.  I am seen.  My needs are known.  And I only need to abide.  Fill my mind with truth, instead of the lies that I'm unworthy.  Rest in Him.

Now this song has become my prayer for my baby girl, wherever she is, that she find His love covering her already.  That she would feel seen.  Cared for.  Known.  Peace beyond understanding.  Despite whatever chaos may be in her world right now.

2014 in a word

In the recent months, I've been reading the book Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson.  [Sidenote: These two ladies have been more of an encouragement to me as a Mama through their books that I can really say.  They understand and communicate the struggle and blessing of motherhood better than any other I've read.  Highly recommend.]

Sarah Mae is honest about her struggle with self-discipline, and this has been a consistent, embarrassing struggle for me.  There are many times I feel like, hey, I'm an adult.  I should just suck it up and do what needs to be done.

But the laundry still piles.  The bathroom goes too long without getting cleaned.  And the to-do list only seems to get longer.

I'm running all day, but sometimes I worry that I must be lazy if I struggle to get some of these basic things done.

I feel like much of my struggle revolves around home-making.  Running the household.  And since I would consider my job title to be Mother and Homemaker for the next 18 plus years, this is an area I really would like to improve in.

Sarah Mae talks about self discipline and in one chapter she just says simply "resolve to do it".  I think she was talking about reading the Word every day, but this phrase "resolve to do it" just stuck with me.

Resolving to do something is being faithful in the things that are hard.  It is saying, "this isn't easy for me, but it is important.  And I'm committed."  It is being steadfast.

And this, my friends, is my word for 2014.

I like the first two definitions especially.  To be fixed in direction.  A steadfast gaze.  My prayer is that my eyes would be on eternal, kingdom things.  I was telling my hubby tonight that I feel like comfort and distraction are two of the enemy's favorite tools on us in this western culture.  I want to engage in the battle for hearts.

And to be firm in purpose, resolution, faith.  There are a lot of areas that I want to be firm in purpose, or intentional, about.  My marriage, my parenting, my scripture study, of course.  Sometimes it is hard to be firm in purpose in these areas.

I want to consider what blesses my husband and be steadfast in those things.  Clean socks.  Dinner served.  Waking up to have breakfast with him.  It's the small things.

In my parenting, I want to resolve to slow down (and not feel guilty when I do).  Read more.  Yell less.  Play often.  Keep on praying for these little people under my roof.

And I want to develop a vision for homemaking and be intentional in what matters (laundry, food, ya know) and not be so hard on myself in the areas that truly can slide.  I want to view it through the lens of blessing my family.  What most blesses them?  And be faithful in that.

Steadfast.  One foot in front of the other.  Small commitments to love and bless with purpose and intention.  All while the gaze is fixed on the eternal.  This is my prayer for 2014.

31 days of finding freedom :: why freedom?

For the past couple of Octobers, I have loved following my favorite writers on this 31-days-of-blogging journey.  Last year I got serious about writing more about half-way through the month, so I missed it.  And I almost missed it this time.  If you haven't noticed, writing hasn't exactly been a priority in my life lately.  But that is about to change.  As of 11pm last night, I decided to jump on the band wagon.

For me, this is mostly about accountability.  Accountability to write, for one.  This is how I process.  My mind is a jumbled mess until I get it out in words, and then I finally feel free of my mind-chaos.  Writing every day will be challenging, but I am looking forward to putting my words out there again.

But more than accountability in writing, I am sharing to be held accountable to taking this journey of finding freedom seriously and deeply.  This is a journey I have been on for the better part of the last 6 or 7 months and I'm starting to feel a bit lighter.

Why 31 days of finding freedom?

Most simply put, the Lord desires us to be free.

He desired freedom for his Israelite children in Egypt and he desires for us today.  The purpose of Christ was to give us freedom from the captivity that sin puts us in.  We were slaves.  But we don't have to be any longer.

The problem is, even if we know Jesus, we are still human.  We are still prone to linger in captivity.  We still are tempted by the world, and from time to time, we give in.  We believe Jesus is real, but our spirits are still overwhelmed by the battle to give him all of ourselves.  And we need help.

This has been my journey for the past 6 or 7 months.  In all honesty, a large reason why I have been so quite here is because I felt captive to my own insecurities and strongholds.  By the grace of God, I feel much lighter in this part of my journey.  The strongholds, while still there, have loosened.  And at this point, I feel like it is time to share.

To let you know, I don't have a solid plan.  My posts are not planned out.  I have an idea of what I'd like to say, but it is going to depend on the day and what is on my heart.  Posts will include anything form freedom in motherhood, marriage, and friendship, or what we can learn about freedom from different people in the Bible, or the purpose of freedom, what freedom is and is not, and books and stories where I have grown in freedom.

This is my journey, and this is my month to share it.  So it might be messy, but Lord knows I do messy pretty well.

Join me, will you?

faith and works and real life

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.  James 2:26

How is that for an opener?  

This is a concept I have been chewing on over the past many weeks.  Faith and works.  There's no easy or clear way to get into all that my brain has been churning, but I know two truths here.

I am saved because of my faith, by grace.  Jesus on the cross.  God reads His resume instead of mine when the day comes.  And I am clean.  White as snow.  This is truth.  I know get to be a part of the new earth, spending all eternity with God.  Not because of any work or deed that I did.

But, God still cares about what I do here on earth.  Jesus words have made this clear.  The great commission commands that we share this good news of redemption through Jesus to all the earth!  It is clear throughout watching Jesus lifestyle that he identifies with the least.  The poor, the orphan, the widow, the single mom, the mentally ill, the elderly, the disadvantaged.  He desires justice for these people.  He desires that we love our neighbor as ourself and that the church clothe, feed, and give drink to the least.  

I believe both of these things.  With all my heart I believe it.  

But here is where I am struggling with that second part.  What does this mean for me in real life?

For one, I think it means being counter-cultural.  Knowing that the things that our world seeks in attempt to satisfy never really do.  It means that I can hardly make a decision without considering the kingdom impact.  It means that when we sell our house this summer (hopefully) we can't simply make a decision to move to the best house in the best neighborhood with the best school district, absent-mindedly.  

I've found my mind spinning in circles trying to figure out where we should live.  And I know that is part of my problem, that simply I am trying to figure it out, and while I am in prayer over it, I've been unwilling to be patient.  I want knowledge and control.  Isn't that what caused the fall of man in the first place?  But ultimately, I am finding that because of faith... because I know Jesus is real and heaven is near, the simplest decisions such as where I live and who my neighbors are have kingdom impact.  

It's easy for me to feel the urgent need to move to the inner city and live missionally there, because that gets attention and seems radical.  But at the same time I know that ministry happens in the affluent neighborhoods as well.  The wealthy can be just as lost as the poor.  And ultimately, I must be willing to accept whatever God has for me, even if it looks different than I might have guessed.  Even if it doesn't get quite the same attention or turn the heads (because that isn't the point either).  I have to be willing to be called to the great task, but also know that faithfulness in the small ones is just as valuable.  

Faith without works is dead.  Because if we know and believe Jesus is who he says he is, we will devour the Word of God and depend on the guidance of the Spirit in the steps that we take.  Works is the overflow of faith.  It is not salvation, but the fruit of it.  It is the love that our neighbor receives when we love the Lord our God with all of our heart.  

Works can look like living in the inner city and spending my days with the homeless and abandoned and abused.  Works can look like being bold in a conversation with a co-worker to find out if he knows Jesus.  Works can look like bringing a meal to that family that just adopted three children.  Works can look like adopting or fostering.  Works can look like spending the next 18+ years pouring into and discipling your children.  Works can look like foregoing that new 52" TV and sending a check to that agency fighting human trafficking instead.  Works can look like moving to Africa or Jamaica or Morocco or China or Los Angeles or East Grand Rapids and sharing life and speaking truth.  

Seeking Jesus radically means we're open to whatever he has.  Anything.  It's me opening my hands and my life and saying Your kingdom come and Your will be done.  And being obedient to that call.  It is being faithful with what is before us while seeking His will in the steps that we take.  

We are commanded two things above all else.  Love the Lord and love your neighbor.  We will know how to do this by getting to know Jesus.  I can't figure this out on my own, as much as I try.  I can't control my kingdom impact, only through the Spirit.  My responsibility is two-fold.  Know the written word of God.  Devour it and eat it up and memorize it and speak it and eat it again.  Know the character of God.  See the story of God's kingdom and how we are in need of a perfect Savior who can not fail.  Feel the weight of what Jesus and his sacrifice meant.  This is God's word.  And press into the Spirit for guidance for applying that to life in the western culture of 2013.  

I'm praying through this more in this season than I ever have before.  It's a reason I've been quiet here, because my mind has been so overwhelmed, I am unsure how to even begin discussing what is so heavy on my heart.  But I can't tell you how much more clear I feel after spitting that out in writing.

I once used this blog as a space for me to process my thoughts, and share a little bit of life.  Somewhere along the way, I started becoming afraid to do that.  I started getting more followers and feeling more pressure to have something good for you.  I started feeling the need to water down my passion a bit.  

I just can't do that anymore.  Take it or leave it, I'm going to use this space to work out my faith, my life, and how that fits together.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the utterly confusing.  This is a place where I'm inviting open dialogue and sharing life on this journey.  

So while we are at it, what are your thoughts on this?  Read Matthew 25 and share your thoughts on this as well.  I can't get this passage out of my mind, but after some researching and prayer, I think I have a bit of peace and perspective regarding this passage (especially 31-46).  

And can I just say, I'm so so so thankful for those of you who are on this journey with me.

when grace is needed for oneness

Photo credit | Brooke Collier Photo | October 2011

"Okay, let's talk."

We both know we need it.  Desperately.

After parties and celebrations of the holidays and messed up work schedules, we have missed our weekly connect nights.  I didn't realize how much the sanity of our marriage depended on these seemingly simple moments until we skipped them for three weeks.

I used to think that we were the weird ones.  That something was wrong with us.  Because our marriage takes work.  Because we are not always as loving or respectful as we should be.  Because we easily fall into the crazy cycle.  

When our first year of marriage that was more life change than I expected, I started talking about the battle that oneness sometimes is in marriage.  And in that, I learned that we were not the weird ones.   It turned out, my parents are the weird ones (or the blessed ones) (sorry Mom).  As I never ever saw them so much as raise their voices at each other, I thought our marriage was nearly doomed when we started butting heads only a short time after we said our vows.  It turns out, we are only fallen humans.

I believe that it is one of Satan's absolute number one goals to tear apart marriages.

The world is against us in every way.  Our pride is against us.  Our very flesh is against us.  

And these past three weeks we got caught up in it.  

A single look in his eye and I'm making assumptions about what he's thinking.  A slip in the tone of my voice and he takes something in a way I didn't intend.  (Or maybe I did.)  And the spiraling continues.  

But tonight we talk.  We must make it stop.  My frustrated heart wants to say, "forget it" and go drown my thoughts in a book or another episode of Downton Abbey where I can focus on anything but my own pride and selfishness.  But knowing that this would only be conceding to Satan and also knowing that I have never once walked away from a Wednesday night wishing I hadn't just spent time pursuing oneness with my husband, we talk.

We're honest.  Sometimes brutally.

We confess our sinful, selfish behavior.

We forgive.  Always.

I'll tell you what.  If there's anything our kids will know how to do well, it is apologize and forgive.

We pray.  Asking God for grace to cover our clear imperfections.  Asking for grace to make us a team once again.  Asking for extra doses of patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.  

And so now I breathe easier.  The air is clear.  We look into each others eyes and hold each others hands and reassure that our love and commitment is forever.  We remember for the millionth time that we are on the same team.  And what a great team we make.  

When the blinders of the crazy cycle are off, it's not hard to recognize the blessing God's given me in my husband.  In the dedicated father of my children.  In the man with an unwavering passion for truth and the gospel.  In the man who I know will fight for me til death do us part.  

And I'm so grateful that we both understand grace.  That we both know that perfection isn't the goal, but more Christ.  More of Him in our lives and our marriage and our parenting.  If our marriage is a testimony to perfection, we've missed something.

So, Lord, in our brokenness, let our lives and our marriage be a testimony to your blood that was shed.  To grace.  

approaching as a student

I feel like every other post I write begins with me talking about my sick kids.  Yet, here we are.

We missed church once again this week due to Jude waking up with a red, gunky, swollen eye.  There was no questioning that the very-contagious-and-gross-looking pink eye had gotten him and we promptly took him to urgent care to get treated.

I then proceeded to go to the grocery store to purchase loads of hand sanitizer and Lysol to hopefully prevent anyone else (especially the littlest one) from succumbing to the pink, gooey, eye.

So, I had church at home.  I spent the morning in Genesis reading about the trials Jacob and Laban.  Only a week in, but I am really enjoying this Bible in six months plan.

I think I have a different perspective this time that is making all the difference.

That, and an amazing accountability partner (hey hubby).

This time, I'm reading through the Bible quickly, without much time to chew on the details.  This isn't honestly my favorite way to read, which is why I feel it is necessary (because there is much I haven't read in a very long time).  Also, this is why I chose to make the commitment short and breeze through it in 6 months.  I'd love to get back to the slow reading sooner than later.  But, I have so often read the Bible with a consumer mentality.  What can I get out of this?  How does this apply to me?  What is God trying to tell me through this?

Which is good.

But.

In this quicker-than-I'd-like pace, I'm seeking to approach scripture with the purpose of knowing God and increasing my knowledge in a way I haven't before.  Who is he across all time?  What is the big picture and how does it point toward Christ?  What does this reveal about God's character?

The words aren't different, but for me it's a mental shift.  And a bit of a heart-shift as I ask God to reveal HIM to me more than before.  I'm approaching more as a student.  Less of someone looking for some inspiration.  I do think that both have their seasons.

Because, here's the thing.  I really do think that it all starts with knowing God in a big way.  I have spent so much time getting to know Jesus in the New Testament without understanding in full how the stories of the Old Testament pointed toward Him all along.  I was missing out on a ton of power and truth by approaching it in that way.

I'm excited to know more about that power.  That power that now lives in me.  That power that I pray will become the overflow of my life.

I'm excited, friends!  What season of studying are you in right now?  

that remarkable girl

I think of her often this time of year.  

About that young girl with the great call.

The one who said, "I am a servant of the Lord, let be to me according to your word."

The one who didn't hesitate.

And who rode on a donkey full-term in her pregnancy in obedience.

And I wonder.

Would I be so obedient?

Or would I be Moses?  Would I hesitate?  Begging the Lord to ask anyone.  Anyone but me.

Maybe more importantly, am I being obedient in my call today?  The one that is before me at this moment.

In my marriage.

In my mothering.

In my friendships.

In my walk.  My coming.  My going.  My doing life.

As I anticipate the great celebration of the arrival of Christ this advent season, I pray for a faith and obedience like the one whose human body carried Him.

What a remarkable woman Mary must have been.  

solitude | from the archives

I wrote this one last January, but my heart is needing this today.  So, I thought I would share a post, and a quote, that reminds me to turn toward the one who brings life.

I'm being challenged today to find solitude in Christ.  Less stuff.  Less distraction.  More HIM.  Less facebook.  Less TV.  Less entertainment.  More listening.  More JESUS.

Why does that seem so difficult?

What are you challenged by today?

readiness

It's a story I've told many times to many people.  The story of a fallen and confused girl who was living for herself, boys, popularity, clothes, money, the world.  Until somewhere around age 17 when God grabbed hold of her, shook her world up, and never let go.

My testimony.

Not long ago, I studied Ephesians with she reads truth.  I had memorized the armor of God when I was young and felt my eyes start to glaze over a bit as I got to that paragraph.  This time, though, God gave me a new nugget of truth.  A fresh perspective to take it in and put it on my life.  I read, with new eyes, about the readiness of the gospel of peace. 

I let the words sink in and thought about how this should play out in my life.  As I meditated on it, I felt convicted that the gospel should be on the tip of my tongue.  My conversations seasoned with gospel salt.  My eyes to see every opportunity as one to make great of Jesus and make little of me.

I have always been comfortable sharing my story and life in general.  If you know me, you know that I don't have much fear about speaking in front of people.  Large groups, small groups, doesn't matter.  God has given me a confidence in my words.  I know this is rare, which also means that I have had plenty of opportunity to speak.  Plenty of opportunity to share my story.

Both in house church and my monday morning bible study, we are in a season of sharing our stories.  I am loving hearing of God's goodness in my friends' lives.  But many have a hesitation and nervousness about sharing.  Not that they are afraid of their friends' impression.  Just the speaking.  And I understand, I really do.  But I can't help but think that it has been played up to be something it isn't meant to be.

My sweet friend, who admittedly is terrified of public speaking, shared that she spontaneously opened up about her story in church to a new friend.  And it just flowed.  God's truth just came out as she shared about her life.  And she realized that it didn't need to be a thought-out, put-together speech.  Just life and truth.  She was ready with the gospel on the tip of her tongue.  And God can be made even greater in a messy, nervous story.

And then I, on the other hand, will gladly speak when asked.  Perhaps too much at times, if I'm being honest.  But I wonder if the gospel is on the tip of my tongue.  If, even when not asked, Jesus will salt my conversations.

This has been on my mind for months, and there are two things I am praying for through this.

That I would know my story, in all it's seasons, and be able to relate it back to God's goodness and God's glory. 

And that I would be ready to share His goodness each time I speak.

Am I so very aware of God's goodness in my life, that I would be able to proclaim it to anyone, anytime?  Are you?

when the task at hand seems daunting

I tend to over-complicate things.  

In fact, I am so over-complicating this post that I can't even spit out easily what I mean by things.  You know.  THINGS.

All the things.

Menu planning.  Crafting for kids.  Blogging.  My schedule.  Reading my Bible.  

You've heard me talk time and time again about picking the few best things, and giving up the rest.  And if you are a fellow sister (or brother) in Christ, spending time in the word is something that is on that list of the best things.  

But after talking to the ladies in my Monday morning bible study, it is clear that this is something that is hard for us busy, in the trenches of toddler-and-a-baby-hood-Mamas.  It is hard to devote the kind of time we want to getting in the word.  To being still before the Lord. Listening.  Finding rest in Him.

And we need rest, Lord.

But why is it hard?  

For me, it is mostly because I tend over-complicate what my time with the Lord should look like.  As much as I do love really getting into an inductive study of the word, there are some seasons in which that is just hard.  You might only have 15 minutes, if that, before the little one wakes up or the big one starts jumping off couches.  Sometimes, I get it so worked up in my mind that I need at least 30 minutes for an adequate devotional time, and since that seems impossible, I don't do it.  But 30 minute devotionals every day aren't asked of us.

My Monday morning Mamas and I all agreed that the key is to just do it.  Just get in the word.  Fill your heart and mind with truth.  You will not walk away with time wasted.  

Lately, I end up reading just 10 verses a day.  I am loving the daily she reads truth study.  Those gals get it and have broken down the chapters into Mommy-sized bites, just packed full of truth.  If I only have a little bit of time, I simply list truths found in the scripture and then pray it into my life.  If I have more time, I also list promises and commands.  

And then some days, I don't even open my bible and am simply praying for patience to get through the day.  Yes, those days happen.

And there is grace.  

Keep it simple friends.  If the task is too daunting, keep it simple, and don't let it get in the way of it happening at all.  The Lord asks us to draw near, NOT to add yet another thing to our to-do list.  But he wants to fill us.  He desperately wants to know us, and for us to know him.  He wants is to rest in Him.  The only way to get this is to be in the living Word of God.  I too often let excuses get in the way of that happening.  

If there is anything I'm learning as a Mama of a 19-month-old it is that sometimes the simplest things bring the most joy.  

Today, my son spent nearly two hours painting with water and then coloring.

You heard me.  Two hours sitting at the table playing while I cleaned up and cooked dinner.  If you know my son, this is unheard of.

It was just water and paper.  But he LOVED it.  

Simple times can still be fruitful.  Don't overcomplicate to the point of inaction (what I tend to do).  Keep it simple.  Exercise a bit of creativity.  Know what is important to you and make it happen somehow.  In all the things.  

Is there a thing you tend to overcomplicate?  How do you keep things simple?

Heart-checks.

It started out as inspiration.  Encouragement.  Innocent enough.  Propelling and motivating me toward my goal.  I dared to dream.  I dared to exercise my gifts.  To make way for the things I really love deep down that I was too busy or too fearful to do.

Maybe I could write.  Maybe I could write and people would read it.  Maybe I could reach out and encourage someone.  Just maybe. 

Because it happened for me that way.  Those dark days back in 2010 when my arms were child-less and my heart was ripped out of my chest.  Pregnancy and loss.  Nobody understood.  Not one.  Of course, that is what I felt in those moments I couldn't catch my breath.  Until I heard the stories of woman after woman after woman who had miscarried their sweet babies.  Stories of women who had lost, but survived.  And I found hope again.  Hope in reading stories.  Healing through reading blogs.

So, when I felt that little tug on my heart to just write.  Just share.  You have something to say.  I listened.  Writing makes my heart happy, almost as if it allows my soul to breathe.

But I often find, when God gives you something to really go for and get excited about, that is exactly the thing in which Satan wants to breed insecurity.

As I read my blog roll, what started as inspiration started to become littered with comparison and insecurity.  I'll never write as eloquently as her.  She has thousands of followers, who am I?  And THAT blogger wrote three books!  

With a good dose of doubt.  A blog?  Really?  Isn't that for nerdy people?  It's JUST a blog.  Don't take it so seriously.

(Just being honest.  That's how we roll 'round here.)

But here's the thing.  I am writing for two reasons.  One, because I love to.  My heart needs it.  Two, because I feel like I should.  In the sense that I need to speak truth, joy, and encouragement and this is my little piece of the internet to do so.

And I'm not going to let Satan steal my joy in this.  Or dirty my intentions.

Instead, I'm going to pray that when jealousy sneaks in, I choose encouragement.  When comparison sneaks in, I choose to thank God that there are so many other women out there who share this heart.  I'm going to pray and believe that those who need to read what I have to say, will.  If that is 50 or 500.  Makes no difference to me.

Putting yourself out there requires frequent heart-checks.  If it isn't for God's glory, it simply isn't going to happen.  Not here.

The scary faces.

In this season, the years are short and the days are long.  Usually, the good kind of long, but still somehow too short to fit it all in.  I have a curious, rowdy boy who is all loving and generous and mischievous and inquisitive at the same time.

There really is so much joy when you're looking through an innocent pair of eyes.  Everything is new.  Everything is fascinating.  Every car that drives by must be announced.  Every task accomplished is applauded.  Every good-bye goes with a kiss (no matter who you are).  Sweet, new, innocence.  

Last week, we went out to eat to my favorite local restaurant for my birthday.  All four of us.  We sat next to the window and Jude gleefully looked out at every truck and bus and car that drove past (vehicles are all the rage these days).  Then, he glanced up.  He saw this horrendous, creepy, giant face on the wall.  (Poor taste in decor, if you ask me.)  But he was terrified.  And then started the lip.  The fearful glances to Mama and Dada, as we tried to convince him, "look at that silly face, it's so silly!!" He screamed.  Loudly.

There was no consolation except to cling to Dada with his back to it.  He would absolutely not turn around.  And he would not eat his dinner.  At first it seemed a little sweet.  But who can enjoy their dinner with a 30lb toddler crying in their lap?  But the kid had apparently just met his biggest nightmare.

Finally, after some coaxing and distraction with the beloved cars out the window, Jude sat back down in his high chair.  But only if I was between him and the face.

I had to step in the gap for him.

I know this won't be the last time.  My Mama-Bear heart wanted to talk to the restaurant manager and tell her, "That face is too scary to have in a restaurant where kids eat!"  But of course, that is ridiculous.  But, I know this is only the start of me protecting my kids.  Standing in the gap for them to make wise decisions for them.  To protect them.  To advocate for them.

But at some point in that crowded restaurant with screaming child, I realized that there are going to be things in this world that I can't protect him from.  He's going to learn that not everything is fascinating and exciting.  Not everything is safe and there is a real thing called evil.

It saddens me.

But as much as I wish I could keep my kids in a perfect happy little bubble, that does absolutely no good either.  Not for them, and not for the sinful world that I pray they have a heart to change.

So, as I feel choked up thinking of my sweet boy growing up and seeing our twisted world for what it is, I rest in knowing that I also know the creator of the world.  And the creator of my boy.  And I know that He is sovereign.  And my perception of control and protection is only within His arms anyway.  The conquerer of evil.  Of fear.


And that is Someone I pray my children will always know.

There will be no creepy, scary, horrible faces in heaven sweet boy.

Grace in all things.

I like these kinds of days.

Where I'm at, there is a chill in the air and it is grey and rainy and gloomy.  Talk to me in a few months after I haven't seen the sun, and I won't feel the same.  But today it feels right to snuggle up with my babies and a cup of tea and stay in our jammies all day.  And maybe watch "Bob the Builder" a time or two (because that's all the rage right now).  

But I know there are many today who are suffering.  This hurricane Sandy has really devastated our country.  I'm glad my family is safe in Michigan, but I have friends in New York who have had to completely leave the state... their homes.  

It wasn't long ago when Sandy was hovering over my sister's home in Jamaica.  Too close for comfort. But God spared them damage and they weren't out of power more than a few hours.  Amazing.  Praise Him.

But, I just have to echo what my sister said about this hurricane experience.  Really made me think.

Yes, praise God for those he has spared.  But praise him for his sovereignty and grace in all things.  

...

P.S. read more about Jamaica and my sister's (and bro-in-law's) ministry there at www.bkbeukema.org

...

This was my first post in the category "five just write" where I just write, un-edited, for five minutes, and post.  Because sometimes that's all I've got.

A de-cluttered heart.

I have a feeling I'm not alone in this.

Oh, how I have days where I wish the mockery of being a stay-at-home-mom, sitting on her tush eating bon-bons all day, were true.  If you are like me (or have kids like mine) there is not much sitting, much less sitting and eating done during the day.

The truth is, too many of my days begin with a "to do" list too long, and end with not near enough finished.  Sure, the basics are normally done (most days).  But, in my mind I forecast this ideal day where I should be able to accomplish all of my basic "to dos"... and tackle super-mom's "to do" list as well.  Every day.  And not only super-mom's, but all of the super moms.  Crafty super-mom.  Cooking super-mom.  Cleaning super-mom.  DIY super-mom.  Then there is scrapbooking.  Blogging.  Oh, and things like dishes, laundry, and house cleaning that needs to happen too.  You must take a shower and get dressed and get all cute every day, too.  But then, of course, at-times you get the feeling that you need to scrap all that and just play with your kids with your free time.  Because that's what good moms do, right?

Every once in awhile, the things I feel like I want to be doing gets confused with the things I should be doing.  The task God has put before me.

You see, I often have to remind myself that God didn't call me to be the ultimate crafting-cooking-scrapbooking-blogging mom.  He didn't even call me to have a clean house.  Or to make sure my kids eat vegetables every day.  So, why oh why do I get so worked up over these things?  Why do I feel like I've failed somehow if I am not all of these things?  I look at my list of things I want to accomplish and know, there is no way it is all going to fit into my day.  

Something's gotta give.

But, instead of feeling like a failure deadbeat mom, I need to remember what is called of me.  The world's demands are not God's demands.  They are a far cry.  An attempt to work and glorify yourself instead of pointing to One who deserves all the glory.

I am so often that Mom who falls into the trap of thinking that the good mom has her "to do" list all checked off, and all that with a spotless house.  I've been convicted on this matter lately.  Because sometimes I get mixed up and think my value is determined by how many things I cross off that list.  And when I try, I haven't left much time for God.  For taking the days slow with gratitude.  For making sure that my time spent is on what matters.  Spending time on what makes me come alive.

None of these things are bad, but for me this image of doing it all can easily become an idol.  So, I've started giving up some good.  Paring down my "to do" list and letting go of some things that I enjoy, but just aren't in season for me. Embracing my messy house and my un-showered hair.

Because, really, what is important?  What is the message that I am sending my kids?  That an up-to-date scrapbook and creative daily crafts determines my worth?  No.

There is so much more.
Kingdom-sized more.
Praise.
Gratitude.
Knowing Him.

That is what I'm called to.  Simply that.  If my life and my heart is too cluttered to allow this, something has to go.  If my worth is wrapped up in the world's super-mom, I've missed something big time.

I truly don't think God ever desired us to live busy and chaotic lives.  How many times has he told us to come. sit. rest. listen. be still.

Do you feel that sigh of relief?

I'm in a season of de-cluttering.  Deciding what is life-giving versus sucking-the-life-outa-me.  I know what is good for me will be different from what is good for you.  For me, I know one thing that is good in my life right now is this.  Writing.  Blogging.  Sharing life in this specific way.  I'm coming to realize more and more that I am a writer, and it is through writing that I work things out in my life.  And I've figured out that in order for this to happen, I've gotta be intentional about it.

I am planning a post soon on "giving up good", to talk about some of the good things I'm holding to more loosely to make sure I have time for the better, life-giving things.


What do you find life-giving?  What good do you need to give up?

...

Lately...

Lately...

I've been feeling the itch to blog again.  But, I gotta admit I feel a little rusty.  A little out of practice.  But my passion for sharing life with other women is getting the best of me.  I feel like I gotta follow this urging.  So expect to hear more from me. :-)

My sister was here a couple of weeks ago.  LOVED having her back.  I told my hubby, I just feel more normal when she's around. Haha!  Ya know when someone is the same kind of weird?  Anyway.  Miss her.  

My Monday morning bible study has started back up, and those ladies are a breath of fresh air!  It's so sweet to share this season of mommyhood with those ladies.  I leave encouraged every week to continue to seek Jesus in my marriage and parenting, despite all of our imperfectness.

Isaac rolled over for the first time today.  Not sure how I feel about my baby doing big-boy things like rolling over.  But I sure do love love love this age. 

I'm trying to de-clutter my life.  In the sense that, I often put too many expectations and demands on myself.  Things that nobody has asked of me, but I just feel like I should be doing.  Like super-mom things.  I'm learning to let go of good, so I can focus on the few best.  Many of these things I am choosing to let go of in this season are things that I love to do, but in order to find some sort of balance, to pursue what is best, it is necessary.  

Jude has the most hilarious and cheesy smile when you ask him to smile for the camera.  It just kills me.  Just take a look.

I've been doing the #shereadstruth study the past month or so.  All it is is getting into the word daily, but along with thousands of other women around the world.  We just started Philippians.  Check it out.  www.shereadstruth.com

I'm one chapter shy of finishing Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts.  It has most definitely challenged my perspective on, well, life.  I'd like to highlight some of my favorite quotes from the book here sometime in the near future as well.  I have many books on my to-read list, but would love to hear what reading has rocked your world lately.

Oh, and today is my last day of being 27.  Happy Birthday to me tomorrow!  Why does 28 sound so much older than 27??

My battle.

I need to be real for a minute tonight.

The evil one is on the prowl... trying to consume our minds, distract our intentions, and weaken our hearts.  Breeding insecurity, fear, inadequacy, loneliness... and so many more that I know too well.

I've been living there too long.  It takes work and strong intention to fill myself with truth and take each thought captive to our Creator who is truth.  I need to abide.

One thing about being a full-time, stay-at-home-mom is the lack of interaction with people who can share in a meaningful conversation.  I know, for me, there are times when I do feel lonely in the sense that I just really want to share my heart with another Mom and encourage, affirm, and understand each other.  But, too often, those get-togethers are distracted, half-finished, and I leave feeling like I didn't truly connect at all.

I really can't complain, because I have more amazing women in my life than I truly have time for.  More people that I would love to sit with over coffee and glean some wisdom from.  Encourage and be encouraged by.  Just love on.

I love that every Monday, I get to spend the morning with 10 women who are seeking after the Lord.  Every Sunday night I get to share life with our House Church and some of the most amazing women, wives, and mothers I know.  I get to be encouraged by my friend, Molly, daily as we read the word together and daily email about each of these ridiculous fears, insecurities, and frustrations that we deal with day in and day out.  I get to share life with my sister on the other side of the continent and read the same books and encourage one another in our very different lifestyles right now.

I value these times... sometimes too much... or in the wrong way, perhaps.  See, there is a sneaky little thing called insecurity.  Inadequacy.  A slippery slope I am all too familiar with.

There are many times I start to find my value and worth in what these women think of me.  I start to rely on them to tell me what I am.  And then Satan gets his sneaky little foot in there, and I start conjuring up things that didn't happen in my mind.  I said this wrong, so they must think I'm an idiot.  They said that to another person, and not me, so they must not like me as much.  On and on and on.  Insecurity.  Lies.

I don't know if it is a form of postpartum hormones, or what, but I have found myself going down that very slippery slope far too often in the past couple of months.  It got to the point, where, the places where I used to feel encouraged and uplifted did just the opposite, because I was too focused on myself and what everyone wasn't thinking, but I had convinced myself they were.  Even facebook.  Blogs.  I'd wallow in a pit of self-deprecation, believing I wasn't enough.

Ridiculous.

How's that for being real?

That's the dirt right there.  That's sin.  That's lies.

The other night I was laying awake ruminating over these falsehoods when I felt truth hit me.  Where do I find my value?  Insecurity, inadequacy, fear... these aren't characteristics of the God who calls me daughter.  

But He is love... that casts out fear.

Peace... beyond understanding.

He tells me to cast my burdens on him.

He gives me armor to crush those evil thoughts.

His power, which conquered death on a cross, lives in me.


Friends, it is a battle.  

Right now, I am reclaiming my thought life and am not going to believe those lies any longer.  I will find my value as the daughter of the King.  And my purpose to bring His Kingdom here on earth.  To serve.  To seek Him.  To be steadfast in my work.

Sisters, we need to be intentional with each other.  Lifting each other up.  Encouraging one another when we have the opportunity.  And fervently praying for one another.  Actively.  Boldly.

This season is a difficult one.  We are run into the ground by tiny little tornadoes who we love more than we could have ever imagined and have more energy than we could ever imagine.

But, let's be real, they are born into sin.  And we have the tremendous privilege and responsibility of these little lives being our mission field in this season.  And it's a battlefield.


So, what does it look like to encourage one another in this season?  The season where the coffee dates are play dates and incomplete with ten different half-finished conversations.  The season where your eyes feel to heavy to read the truth your heart needs.  The season where there are no good or bad grades to tell you how you're doing.  There is no longer an stamp of approval to affirm my hard work.  There aren't office hours.  The days are long.  The years are short.  And it's so so easy (for me) to forget that I'm a daughter of a King.  Doing the most important work there is.

 

I'm praying for you, sisters!  Even if I don't have time for coffee.  Even if we're tired and too distracted by our little blessings to encourage one another properly.  You, too, are the daughter of the King.  Fully equipped to live out his call on your life.  Loved by the creator of the universe.  Useful.  Beautiful.  Needed.


.. In all reality, how do you find yourself making sure you are filled with truth in this busy and exhausting season of motherhood?  How do you make sure you encourage (and are encouraged by) your sisters alongside you?  What does this look like in your life? ..

Feast on truth.

Feast on truth, my friends.  

...

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased. - C.S. Lewis

...

Planning and grace.

Hello friends!

Life is starting to resemble some sort of routine these days.  Having a newborn the first time changes everything.  Life suddenly revolves around, not you, but another tiny human who relies on you to sustain their very life.  Not much has changed the second time around.  The difference is that much of the anxiety has eased.  But the busyness just multiplies.  In a good way of course {right??}.  I keep saying, I am cherishing and not wishing away these bitty days I have with Isaac, but I know that in a year, life will be much more predictable (and I like predictable).  I will know that at nap-time I will likely have at least an hour to myself.  Until then, I don't mind soaking up these bitty moments.

I don't know if you do this, but I often create "Rules" for myself.  I find that if I don't put down on paper some sort of guideline or goal for my day-to-day life, I get caught up in the chaos and not much gets done.  Simply, I won't be intentional in the moment if I don't plan to be intentional.

I have found that if I don't give my mornings to what is important, what fills me, then it is likely it just won't happen at all.  That's why I've been trying to wake up before the boys to get filled with the Word.  Sometimes this is a great study time for me.  Many times, this is reading for 10 minutes before needing to jump up and nurse a hungry babe.  The important thing is setting my eyes on Christ first thing for the day.  Praying that he would guide my steps and give me that extra dose of patience I need in toddler-ville.  And praying that truth flow freely in our home.  

It's discipline.  I really struggle with that at times.  To do the mundane things that make our home run more smoothly.  In fact, right now I told Jordan I would be updating the budget, but I haven't touched it.  I need discipline to spend time on me early in the morning so that I have been filled enough to act in truth and love and patience (lots of patience) toward my kids.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day and at the end feel exhausted without much accomplished.  I'm talking chores and housework, but even intentional time with Jude specifically.  Sitting down and playing legos or reading or coloring or covering his arms with stickers.  Right now, my split attention means that whatever is getting my attention needs at least 75% of it (let's face it... as moms, you never will get back 100% attention).

     

I've said it a zillion times.  Since first laying my eyes on Jude, I have had a passion to be intentional with my time with my kiddos.  But, I often fail.  I have days (like yesterday) where I wasn't as patient with Jude as I should have been.  I have weeks where the laundry piles in my room without a second glance from me.  And it has been a month since I have updated our budget (I'll do it tomorrow.....).  Homemaking and parenting is not a job for the faint of heart.  Something I never truly realized until I did it myself.  As the to-do list piles up and the days fly by, there is lots of room for mommy-guilt.  I experience it daily.  I should have sat and made googly-eyes and cooed at my littlest boy while he was awake instead of feeling like I needed to do the dishes... or check Pinterest.  I should shut off the TV after I'm done nursing to limit Jude's screen time and invite him to read a book.  I should take Jude outside more when Isaac is napping.  I should put the darn phone down and bust out the crayons or finger-paints (more on being a hands-free Mama some other time).

Oh, how I could fill my days with all the shoulda' coulda' woulda's.

But.  I'm going to have to settle with being imperfect.  And let grace abound in the gaps.

And pray that God will do a good work in my kiddos hearts, because that is truly none of my doing anyway.  In the meantime, I am praying that God would increase my discipline to follow through on what I have planned.  And show me where I need to maybe give up on some good things, so that I can spend time on the better.  It's a delicate balance.  But it comes down to my priorities.  First, Christ. Second, my marriage. Third, my kids.  The rest becomes somewhat of a blur after that in this season.

I am not sure that this post went exactly where I intended it to go.  But, it is where I am right now.

Real life.

Another c-section?

As soon as Jude was born, the question lingered in my mind.  Despite my very best efforts, I had needed a c-section.  It wasn't what I planned for, or wanted.  But it was what was best.  And right away, knowing that I wanted more children, I wondered - how would this story play out next time?  Would I get another c-section?  Or no?

That is a good question.

I told myself at the time that it was far off and I didn't need to think about it.  Hah.  Well - I needed to think about it much sooner than I anticipated.  And the "much sooner" part does play a role in my decision this time around.

In planning Jude's birth, my goal was to have a natural, medication-free, birth.  We took birthing classes, practiced relaxation, and hired a doula to hopefully a achieve this goal.  My main motivation was to avoid a c-section, since I come from a history of women who needed surgery to have their children.  I naively thought that if I did everything right, I could avoid it.  That maybe they just didn't try hard enough to avoid it.  And I would try harder.

Well... I tried... and I tried hard.  80 hours of med-free labor hard.  But God and Jude had other plans for his birth.  And I had previously spent a lot of time praying that I would be emotionally okay with whatever the outcome was of his birth.  And I truly truly was.  I never felt that I had been robbed of the birth experience I desired.  I never felt regret over any of my decisions.  His birth was perfect.

But here we are, 15 months later.  I have a scheduled c-section a week from tomorrow.  And I have had many people ask me about this decision, knowing how adamantly I tried to avoid it the first time.  So, I thought I'd talk about it a bit.

One of the major differences this time around is Jude.  I have more than just one baby to worry about.  And at this point in his life, anything that affects me also affects him.  One of the biggest risks of trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) is uterine rupture.  I know this is a small risk.  But I do know that the closer your kids are together (ahem - 15 months) the more real this risk is.  I also personally know people that this has happened to.  I personally know one person specifically who had an emergency hysterectomy due to this happening.  If my kids were two or more years apart, I might be more adamant about trying this and push off the scheduled c-section.  But, in all honesty, it makes me nervous to have kids so close.

I am also thinking about after the birth.  I am going to have two babies to take care of.  And I had a very long and painful recovery after Jude.  I was told not to lift anything heavier than my 7-8lb baby and my body regularly reminded me to take it easy.  Well, now I have a nearly 26lb baby along with a probably 7lb baby to take care of.  In an ideal world, this would be a reason to fight for a VBAC (since I've heard most people have a much easier recovery, especially if they avoid medication).  But I also know that labor + c-section = a much harder recovery, as opposed to no labor + scheduled c-section.  I've heard many c-section Mama's tell me their second scheduled c-section made a world of difference when it came to recovery.  I'm trying my hardest to make the best choice for both my boys.

All that to say, I still don't know how this is going to play out.  My Dr. tried to convince me to schedule my c-section or Friday, since he knows how miserable I am being pregnant.  But I pushed it off as far as I could.  I want little brother to bake as long as he needs and still feel guilty for potentially taking him before he's ready.  I also kind of hope that by pushing it off, it gives my body the chance to see if it wants to try for round two - a VBAC.  I admit I feel a bit doomed for a repeat experience.  If I had my c-section simply because Jude was breech I think that I would feel a lot more hopeful.

I still don't know how this story is going to end.  Basically, I have decided that if I go into labor in the next week, I'm going to ride it out and see what happens.  If I am in active labor for 12 or so hours and it is clear that it is going the same direction as Jude's labor and birth, I'm not going to wait for another 68 hours to say I'm done.  I'll just have a c-section.  I am praying that I don't have to make that decision.  I am praying that either I labor and have a VBAC or I just have the scheduled c-section.  I will honestly be fine with either story.

I don't know if I am making the right decision.  I don't know if there is a right decision.  I just had to make the decision I felt most at peace with after a lot of prayer.  I have an entire family to consider.  Funny how that changes things.

So, I will keep all of you updated.  This story... to be continued... in 8 (or fewer) days...

To gratitude.

I've been complaining a lot lately.

I know this because my sweet hubby has told me so.  :-)

But here's the deal.  I'm 8 months pregnant.  I regularly feel like my legs are going to disconnect from my body and I might split down the middle.  Oh, and this week I came down with a sinus infection.

Preggo Mama + sinus infection + adorable little tiny tornado = me waving my white flag and giving up on the day.  Let's just say I'm going to need that nesting energy desperately to get things in order before #2 arrives.

So, I'm just frustrated.  My ears are still clogged and I have done everything my OB, Primary care doc, and Dr. Google have told me to to try to unclog them.  I think it is a matter of time.  I just hope it doesn't last another month.  I really hope to love on my newbie with a clear head.

BUT.  That said.  This post isn't about complaining.  In fact, even though all of the above things are true I am writing today to deliberately NOT focus on it.

Let's talk about gratitude.

Before my sister went to Jamaica we decided it would be fun to read a book together across the ocean.  Kind of a deliberate way to connect and make sure we stay in touch in the midst of our chaotic lives.  We looked at many books.  We were planning to do a Beth Moore book, but after hearing my favorite Monday morning ladies rave about this book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I suggested we maybe look at that one instead.

So, we started reading a week or two ago.  I'm only three chapters in.  But WOW.


I had never made the connection of gratitude being so connected to salvation.  To knowing God.  And to living a full life.  It's all over the bible, but why so overlooked?  In everything give thanks.  Yeah yeah yeah.  I'm thankful and I make my lists at Thanksgiving of things I'm thankful for, but really.  In everything give thanks.  After reading three chapters I'm convinced that if I truly put this into practice it would be life-changing.

The One Thousand Gifts are a list of one thousand blessings, gifts, that Ann decided to list and give thanks to God for.  One thousand ways she had received God's love.  And she was listing those blessings back to God.

So, I'm going to do the same.  Maybe not make a list of specifically 1,000, but I am going to deliberately give thanks daily.  For the everyday, mundane and for the extraordinary.  I'm going to recognize and name my blessings back to my creator.  Because I believe that in that I will find His joy.  His fullness of life.

I've never been much of a tweeter. :-)  But I've found that this might be a good avenue to share my thanks.  On twitter and instagram people will post their thanks with the hashtag #1000gifts.  I also found an iPhone app to help remind you and help you keep track.  LOVE.  So, I'm going to be doing this. :-)   If you know me on Twitter or Instagram, I'd love it if you'd join in!

It's little things like this that can make an ordinary day into something great.

I've been a bit blog-MIA in this season, but I really hope that changes soon.  This weekend I'd also like to share with you about a study I've been doing.  #SheReadsTruth - look it up. :-)  I'm loving it.