how we keep our marriage breathing

I'm not one to casually give out marriage advice.  My husband and I are quick to say that our 6.5 years together has been filled continual re-centering on the Lord and loads of apologies and grace.  I'm more likely to be the one scouring my google reader for advice on how other people make their relationship a priority in a season overwhelmed by diapers and whiny toddlers and sleepless nights.

It's not easy.  It takes intention.  Time.  Selflessness like you wouldn't believe.

Add kids in the mix and that takes it to a whole new level....

{Read more of my heart over at Amanda Lynne Designs today!}

when grace is needed for oneness

Photo credit | Brooke Collier Photo | October 2011

"Okay, let's talk."

We both know we need it.  Desperately.

After parties and celebrations of the holidays and messed up work schedules, we have missed our weekly connect nights.  I didn't realize how much the sanity of our marriage depended on these seemingly simple moments until we skipped them for three weeks.

I used to think that we were the weird ones.  That something was wrong with us.  Because our marriage takes work.  Because we are not always as loving or respectful as we should be.  Because we easily fall into the crazy cycle.  

When our first year of marriage that was more life change than I expected, I started talking about the battle that oneness sometimes is in marriage.  And in that, I learned that we were not the weird ones.   It turned out, my parents are the weird ones (or the blessed ones) (sorry Mom).  As I never ever saw them so much as raise their voices at each other, I thought our marriage was nearly doomed when we started butting heads only a short time after we said our vows.  It turns out, we are only fallen humans.

I believe that it is one of Satan's absolute number one goals to tear apart marriages.

The world is against us in every way.  Our pride is against us.  Our very flesh is against us.  

And these past three weeks we got caught up in it.  

A single look in his eye and I'm making assumptions about what he's thinking.  A slip in the tone of my voice and he takes something in a way I didn't intend.  (Or maybe I did.)  And the spiraling continues.  

But tonight we talk.  We must make it stop.  My frustrated heart wants to say, "forget it" and go drown my thoughts in a book or another episode of Downton Abbey where I can focus on anything but my own pride and selfishness.  But knowing that this would only be conceding to Satan and also knowing that I have never once walked away from a Wednesday night wishing I hadn't just spent time pursuing oneness with my husband, we talk.

We're honest.  Sometimes brutally.

We confess our sinful, selfish behavior.

We forgive.  Always.

I'll tell you what.  If there's anything our kids will know how to do well, it is apologize and forgive.

We pray.  Asking God for grace to cover our clear imperfections.  Asking for grace to make us a team once again.  Asking for extra doses of patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.  

And so now I breathe easier.  The air is clear.  We look into each others eyes and hold each others hands and reassure that our love and commitment is forever.  We remember for the millionth time that we are on the same team.  And what a great team we make.  

When the blinders of the crazy cycle are off, it's not hard to recognize the blessing God's given me in my husband.  In the dedicated father of my children.  In the man with an unwavering passion for truth and the gospel.  In the man who I know will fight for me til death do us part.  

And I'm so grateful that we both understand grace.  That we both know that perfection isn't the goal, but more Christ.  More of Him in our lives and our marriage and our parenting.  If our marriage is a testimony to perfection, we've missed something.

So, Lord, in our brokenness, let our lives and our marriage be a testimony to your blood that was shed.  To grace.  

keep walking. keep seeking.

Hello 2013!

I feel like a little kid again, with a Christmas vacation coming to an end.  While vacations have forever changed now that we have two littles in our family, having the hubby home for a stay-cation this week has taken a load off my shoulders and allowed some rest that my spirit needed.

This past week, the hubs and I found ourselves discussing the coming year and what our hopes and goals and expectations might be.  Much of what we are doing is just continuing the good that we already have in our life.  But as I thought about growing as a follower of Christ, a wife, a Mama, and a writer, I found myself making a list of MORE and LESS.

Such as MORE sleep.

More fitness.

Less TV.

More reading.  More writing.

Less social media.

More homemaking.  More encouraging.

Less stuff.

More praying.  More stillness.

Less comparison.

More productive mornings.  More card writing.

Less shopping and spending.

More date nights.  More planned rest.

Less laziness.


We are just going to keep walking.  Keep reading truth.  Keep seeking Christ.  Keep pursuing oneness in our marriage.  Anything that goes against that will be cut out.

As far as this space goes, I'm going to keep writing.  I've got a sweet group of gals to hold me accountable to my commitment to use this site for His glory.  But much beyond that, 2013 is a mystery to me as far as where this blog will go.

One thing that the hubs and I decided to do to add to our Christ-seeking and marriage-oneness is reading the Bible together.  We decided that a 6 month plan would be best for us, and we're doing the 6-month reading plan from You Version.  (If you have a smart-phone or tablet, this is truly the #1 most important app to have.)

This is kind of a big deal to me.

You see, I've planned to read the Bible from cover to cover many many times.  And fallen off the wagon every. single. time.

This time will be different.

I have determination, and even better, I have accountability.  I just love that my hubby is doing this with me, and I pray that it will deepen our marriage in ways we would never expect.

Also, I am sharing this goal here.  Because I hope you will either
A. join me, or
B. check in on me and ask how it's going.

I am so excited to get a little more radical in my pursuit of the Word.  I know that it will not be time wasted.    

What is your plan in your Bible reading this year?  What are you seeking more of and less of?

be the right kind of friend

You may not know this, but...

I'm married to a rock star.

Yes, it's true.

One of the absolute best lead guitarists there is, I'm certain.

Pre-kids I used to go to all the shows.  The bar and loud music thing is fun, but it's not really my thing. Ya know?  I'm an introvert homebody married to an outgoing extrovert.  I'm perfectly fine with a movie in, but I would always go.  Because it was his thing.  He bleeds music and needs it in a way I can only somewhat understand.  And I've always tried my hardest to be supportive, even when it cost time and money.

That's a thing about men (at least my man).  I think joining in their hobby is a sort of love language.  Being a part of his music spoke his love language.  So I always was.

But since having kids, I hadn't been able to be a part of this piece of his life.  Shows that start at 11 and kids that go to bed at 7 don't mix well.  I hadn't even met most of his new band members.

But, I have a friend who pushed me on this.  You should go, she said.  I'll even watch your kids.

My friend who, has two littles just like I do and was probably ready to crash the second she walked through my door to watch my kids, offered her time.  Because she valued the quality of my marriage.  Like a good friend should.

You should dress up for him, she also said.  So I tried to find something without snot or spit-up on it.  I put on the big earrings and my favorite scarf and curled my hair.  And I was off.

It's so so important to have friends that push you to make your marriage better.  Who encourage you to speak your spouses love language.  Who doesn't just turn my struggles or frustration into an opportunity to complain and bash.  But goes back to who and what real love is.  Pointing me back to Christ.

Marriage is hard enough without friends encouraging negative attitudes.  And friends, we must protect it with all of our might.

In the recent weeks, I've learned of too many personal friends of mine getting separated, divorced, or stories of infidelity.  My heart is so heavy in this way.  Satan hates marriage, that's for sure.

And I was so very encouraged by my friend who took it upon herself to make sure I was able to be a good wife.  And I felt encouraged to be the same kind of friend back.

Friends don't encourage friends to talk bad about their husbands.

Friends don't encourage friends to entertain thoughts that tear apart oneness.

But friends fight for their friends marriage alongside them.

And a wife goes to her husband's show because of it.


Thank you, Molly!! :-)


*linking up with Emily at Chatting at the Sky for Tuesdays Unwrapped

the gift of Wednesdays

7:30PM and we are ready to collapse onto the couch and succumb to anything mindless.  I have just spent the past twelve hours with two littles I love, but who run and scream and play and exert more energy than I ever remember having.  He has just spent the past 10 hours bringing home the bacon, only to be tackled by a daddy-struck one-year-old the minute he steps into the house.

But now is nuh-nite time, and the littles are hushed in their rooms.  At least for this moment.

We want to watch the latest episode of Parks and Rec or Grimm, but that will wait.  Tonight, even the dishes wait.  It is Wednesday, our designated night to push aside our exhaustion.  Where he speaks my love language, quality time.

He rubs my feet and asks, listening, "how are you?"

I knew having children would change the dynamics of our relationship.  Twenty months into parenthood, it is still difficult to remember what life looked like pre-kids.  At some point we recognized that our busyness and exhaustion were costing us.  No longer could our dinner conversations focus fully on one another.  No longer did any time together have the same potential for quality conversation. We felt disconnected.  Our marriage needed more in a season where I felt I had less to offer.

We have a permanent at-home date on Wednesday nights.  To put us first.  To connect.  To encourage. To pray.  To rub feet.  To make plans.  To dream.  To pursue oneness.  To build into our marriage.  To put our titles of Mommy and Daddy on the back-burner to remember that we are also Husband and Wife.

Just like love, I think that marriage is an action.  It's proactive.  It's intentional.  It's selfless.  If it isn't these things, it easily becomes cohabiting instead.  We've been there, and can easily go back there from time to time.

Our calendar is often chock full, as it often is with two people who love to serve and struggle with saying, "no".  (We're getting better.)  But this is one thing we can do.  We can put a date on the calendar.  Scheduled connect time.  I can't tell you how important these Wednesday nights have been to our marriage.  It keeps it alive.  And keeps us feeling loved.

This gift of Wednesday nights.  I'm thankful.

At-home date night.  A necessity in life.

P.S.  I know it's Tuesday, but my heart is thankful for the Wednesdays today.  ;-)  

*I'm linking up with Emily at Chatting at the Sky for Tuesdays Unwrapped.   

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, two of my favorite boys grow up a day.

The bigger one will leave his beloved twenties behind and take on the responsibility of a thirty-year-old! 

I tease him about it, of course, because I have to, being that I am 3 years younger.  But I have a feeling that our thirties are going to be some of the best years yet.  Raising our family.  Our kids starting school.  Hopefully adding more kids to the mix somehow.  Maybe moving.  Maybe a new career direction for Jordan.  Who knows.  I'm excited for this new era in my hubby's life.

 

And I'm SO happy that it is him that I am doing life with.  He's such a servant.  His actions convict me to be more giving.  He's an amazing father.  Regardless of the kind of day he's had at work, he pushes it all aside and gets down on the floor with Jude to spend every moment he can with him.  Family comes first with this man.  

He's passionate.  About our marriage.  His family.  Music.  Politics.  History.  Truth.  Christ.  Discipleship.  The Church.  Reading the word every day.  Get him started on any of these topics and you'll know what I mean.

He's quirky.  Spontaneous dances in the kitchen are not unheard of.  Crazy nick-names for everyone in the house (I'm surprised anyone knows their real name).  The goofy voices he uses when reading to Jude.  

He knows who he is.  In Christ.  As a man.  And that is super attractive.

Then there is this little guy, who will be 10 months old tomorrow (although these beautiful pictures were taken when he was 7 months old).  I'm savoring his last day as a single-digit baby.  But we'll have more updates on how crazy much he's grown in the past month tomorrow.  Just looking at this picture it blows my mind how much a baby can grow in a few months.

All of that to say, I love my little (growing) family.  I'm so excited for what this next season holds for us!

Happy last-day-of-being-29, my love!

...

A day that changed everything.

5 years ago today I woke up with my heart full of anticipation and excitement.  Much to my surprise, I still slept well the night before {thanks be to God!}.  But August 19, 2006 would be the day my heart would become one with the man I love.

I remember on my way to the church, stopping by a Walgreens to pick up some extra bobby-pins and hair-spray.  Using my credit card, I signed my maiden name for the last time.  Such an odd feeling.  But I was thrilled to start a new family... and truly, to grow our existing families.  I am SO SO SO blessed... and thankful to have had YOU to call family for the past 5 years.

Our story started as friends until a mission trip building habitat houses gave each of us a deeper look at each others hearts.  And we knew that we wouldn't be the same.  We dated for 11 months before becoming engaged, and were married 6 months later.  I was 21.  Looking back, it sounds so rushed... but sometimes love does that to you.  I know today I wouldn't have done it any other way.

It is funny how when you have something GOOD... something God-given and full of truth and love... how Satan tries to taint it.  Our first year of marriage was HARD.  We'll tell that to anyone.  There is nothing like marriage to show you your own selfishness and sin.  It is something you must fight for.  And fight we have.  We need to decide daily to stop fighting each other {reminding each other I am not your enemy}, and in turn fight for oneness in our marriage.  Fight for Christ-centeredness.  Fight against worldliness and the MANY things that try to devalue marriage.  No, we will fight for US until the day we die.

And there is NO ONE ELSE I'd rather be on this journey with.  I have to say this past year I have seen more than any other year what an amazing, Godly man I have married.  He put me first time and time again when I was pregnant.  Served me hand and foot.  Drove around town to buy me food I could tolerate (and went to fetch me McFlurries on multiple occasions).  He always offers to get up to get me a glass of water or make me a cup of tea.  He does the laundry and dishes without asking.  He loves his little boy more than anything.  {P.S. How attractive is a man caring for their baby??}

And he loves me unconditionally.  Good and bad.  Messy.  Unorganized.  Sometimes emotional.  Me.

The wonderful girls we shared our day with.

The best wedding reception ever {in my opinion} as friends and family provided the entertainment.  Love love love.

Happy 5 years babe.