when I want to bubble up my kids forever

There was a conversation on facebook yesterday about how to explain Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to a young child.  While I am not at the point of having this conversation with my boys yet, this topic is something that has weighed heavily on my mind in the recent months.

The day will come when my boys learn about evil.  That bad things happen to good people.  That hurt happens.  Pain happens.  Discrimination.  Lies.  Hate.  Murder.  Manipulation.  Just evil.

It breaks my heart, because I want their little worlds to stay perfect.  No danger, as it is today.  Full of trust and hope and wonder.  I want to hide them away and bubble them up and keep them from all harm.

But that isn't good for them either.

I don't think anything has shown me God's heart for us more than being a parent has.  That kind of love and willingness to sacrifice.  And his is more than I could imagine.  Far far more.

But it is clear to me that even in my mere nearly-two-years of parenthood, that we are fallen from birth. I have often thought of the command to "do all things without complaining or arguing" as potentially one of the first sinful things people do.  The most basic to our nature.  Kids complain.  They argue.  They don't start out lying or manipulating or stealing.  Just complaining.  And that is already sin.

As I contemplate how I want to, someday, explain the fallen world for what it is, I know have to start at the end.  The gift given because of our fallenness.

Grace.

This world is fallen.

And there is grace.

So you complain and argue.

There will be grace.

So I snap a sharp remark or act out of frustration.

Grace for that as well.

In order for my children to understand our desperate need for grace, they WILL need to {someday} see this fallen world for what it is.  This sad, broken world.  Desperate for a savior.  Because we will never be perfect.

I'm in no hurry to have this conversation.  It will happen someday.  But not tomorrow.  Not at two years old.  And not for many years.  Today I will simply act in grace.  I'll respond in patience and gentleness.  And when I don't.  When I'm imperfect, I'll ask for forgiveness.  We try to be good at that 'round here.

In all things, especially in this season of parenthood, perfection cannot be the goal.  We will only fall time after time.  Grace is the testimony.  I do my best, but my works don't save me.  Only His blood.

That is the one thing I hope my kids walk away with in 18 years.  If nothing else, grace.


*linking up with Heather for Just Write.

for now, just more grace.

Throwing my head back, I close my eyes.  Another day on the books.  My role as mommy has been switched to the on-call status.  Just waiting for the little voice.

Mama?  Mama!

The night is not silent.

Coughing.

Sobbing.

And a blazing hot little body when I go to check on him.

It's been another weekend of hacking, nose wiping, and fevers.  Just when he is over pink eye, this flu bug attacks his poor sweet body.  The heavy, red, sick eyes say it all.

I'm frustrated.  More than frustrated, I'm just ticked.  But I know I'm not the only one.  Far from it.  Friends upon friends have it and their kids and babies have it.  And we're all just wrung out and exhausted.  We're on our knees asking God to intervene and rid our bodies of these viruses!

But today, I just need some grace.

Grace to have days full of movies and no formal meals.

Grace for my messy house and my unwashed dishes.

Grace for my children who spend over 24 hours in the same jammies.

Grace for the friends that I've failed to be a good friend to because I'm so wrapped up in these boys.

Grace for the moments I feel helpless as a Mama and don't know how to fix whatever it is that ails them.

And now, grace for a night where I'm shutting down the computer, turning off the lights, and going to bed early.

I just need to rest in this grace.

Night, friends.

What do you need extra grace for today?

Planning and grace.

Hello friends!

Life is starting to resemble some sort of routine these days.  Having a newborn the first time changes everything.  Life suddenly revolves around, not you, but another tiny human who relies on you to sustain their very life.  Not much has changed the second time around.  The difference is that much of the anxiety has eased.  But the busyness just multiplies.  In a good way of course {right??}.  I keep saying, I am cherishing and not wishing away these bitty days I have with Isaac, but I know that in a year, life will be much more predictable (and I like predictable).  I will know that at nap-time I will likely have at least an hour to myself.  Until then, I don't mind soaking up these bitty moments.

I don't know if you do this, but I often create "Rules" for myself.  I find that if I don't put down on paper some sort of guideline or goal for my day-to-day life, I get caught up in the chaos and not much gets done.  Simply, I won't be intentional in the moment if I don't plan to be intentional.

I have found that if I don't give my mornings to what is important, what fills me, then it is likely it just won't happen at all.  That's why I've been trying to wake up before the boys to get filled with the Word.  Sometimes this is a great study time for me.  Many times, this is reading for 10 minutes before needing to jump up and nurse a hungry babe.  The important thing is setting my eyes on Christ first thing for the day.  Praying that he would guide my steps and give me that extra dose of patience I need in toddler-ville.  And praying that truth flow freely in our home.  

It's discipline.  I really struggle with that at times.  To do the mundane things that make our home run more smoothly.  In fact, right now I told Jordan I would be updating the budget, but I haven't touched it.  I need discipline to spend time on me early in the morning so that I have been filled enough to act in truth and love and patience (lots of patience) toward my kids.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day and at the end feel exhausted without much accomplished.  I'm talking chores and housework, but even intentional time with Jude specifically.  Sitting down and playing legos or reading or coloring or covering his arms with stickers.  Right now, my split attention means that whatever is getting my attention needs at least 75% of it (let's face it... as moms, you never will get back 100% attention).

     

I've said it a zillion times.  Since first laying my eyes on Jude, I have had a passion to be intentional with my time with my kiddos.  But, I often fail.  I have days (like yesterday) where I wasn't as patient with Jude as I should have been.  I have weeks where the laundry piles in my room without a second glance from me.  And it has been a month since I have updated our budget (I'll do it tomorrow.....).  Homemaking and parenting is not a job for the faint of heart.  Something I never truly realized until I did it myself.  As the to-do list piles up and the days fly by, there is lots of room for mommy-guilt.  I experience it daily.  I should have sat and made googly-eyes and cooed at my littlest boy while he was awake instead of feeling like I needed to do the dishes... or check Pinterest.  I should shut off the TV after I'm done nursing to limit Jude's screen time and invite him to read a book.  I should take Jude outside more when Isaac is napping.  I should put the darn phone down and bust out the crayons or finger-paints (more on being a hands-free Mama some other time).

Oh, how I could fill my days with all the shoulda' coulda' woulda's.

But.  I'm going to have to settle with being imperfect.  And let grace abound in the gaps.

And pray that God will do a good work in my kiddos hearts, because that is truly none of my doing anyway.  In the meantime, I am praying that God would increase my discipline to follow through on what I have planned.  And show me where I need to maybe give up on some good things, so that I can spend time on the better.  It's a delicate balance.  But it comes down to my priorities.  First, Christ. Second, my marriage. Third, my kids.  The rest becomes somewhat of a blur after that in this season.

I am not sure that this post went exactly where I intended it to go.  But, it is where I am right now.

Real life.

Measuring up.

Last night I was having a breakdown of sorts.  I was overwhelmed, but couldn't put my finger on why.

My poor husband, with his pregnant, hormonal, emotional wife, was trying to put the pieces together of what I was saying.

And then it came out.

I just love our kids so much and sometimes I feel like I could never ever measure up to the kind of mom I feel I should be for them.

As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized where I was going wrong.

Much of what we do in life is works-based.  We go through a school system where, it often isn't so much about becoming educated as it is earning the best grade, or being at the top of our class.  We measure ourselves by letters... A+, B-, or heaven forbid, C or D.  Then we get out of college and many of us climb the corporate ladder.  We want to be the top salesperson.  The most recognized employee.  Whatever it may be.  We get rewarded for being the best.  And I'm not saying this is bad.

But then we hear that He must become greater, and I must become less {John 3:30}.  And we learn that we are not saved by our works, but by grace? {Romans... all over}

GRACE.

That is my middle name by the way.  Although I do not give enough of it in my life.  To myself.  To my husband.  To my friends and family.  

And I realized, that being a good mother isn't always about being the best.  But being the least.  Serving without hesitation.  Sacrificing, over and over and over.  Being on my knees in prayer.  Constantly.  

So, maybe I'll never be known as a mom who has it all together.  I think I can be okay with that.

But I want to be known as a mom {and woman} who prayed constantly.  Who served her family.  Who loved.  Who put others first.  Who didn't try to be the best, yet still encouraged her kids to do their best.  {there is a difference}

I feel like this is a lesson I've had to re-learn over and over and over.  And, my, I still have a lot to learn.  But thank goodness I serve a God who is very good at grace.