The newborn season.

I'm three weeks and five days into this Mom-of-two gig.  And we've survived so far.  Haha.  I am happy to say that, despite preparing for and expecting the worst case scenario, we are doing well.

The baby fog doesn't lift the second time around.  It is still a cycle of eat, poop (while eating), scream, pee, spit, *insert happy awake time for a couple minutes*, sleep, poop, scream, and poop some more.  The difference this time is I know this is a short season.  I know it gets easier.  The screaming subsides.  The happy awake time lengthens.  And the fun times begin.  I'm trying hard to enjoy the newness of my sweet boy, though.  I don't want to wish it away, yet at the same time I can't wait to see the smiles and hear the laughter.

Many people have asked how Jude has been adjusting.  He honestly hasn't shown a whole lot of interest in Isaac at all.  It's just his young toddler age.  He goes about his daily craziness without much concern for his little brother.  And this is fine by me!  He is on paci patrol - if Isaac loses his paci, Jude is quick to shove it in his face give it back.  He also loves "helping" me change Isaac's diaper - meaning he climbs around on Isaac's rocking chair and empties his drawers while I change Isaac.  The biggest struggle for me concerning Jude has been my recovery from c-section surgery and knowing I'm not supposed to be picking him up, etc... which I have been doing (only as needed) anyway.  It's hard to say "no" to a crying baby who is begging you to hold them (not to be confused with a temper tantrum... we also see plenty of those).

Jude's age has posed some problems, but I think in many ways I'll look back and see how it was even somewhat easier than had he been a few years older.  I have all the struggles any mom would with a 15 or 16-month-old {enter tantrums, being rough, climbing on furniture, and just being a crazy boy in general}.  But he's not jealous.  He hasn't regressed in sleep or anything.  I think he hardly thinks anything of Isaac being around all the time.  He's used to it now.  We're working on being gentle.  I still rarely allow Jude around Isaac for this reason, but I know this will change as they both get older.  We're still very much in just get through the day mode.  I have to say, I am very grateful to Barney for keeping Jude occupied in the same room while I nurse every 2.5-3 hours. {don't judge}

I often find myself wondering, what the heck was so hard about a newborn the first time around??  When it is just me and Isaac, I feel like it's just so simple.  Being a Mama for the second time has definitely eased many of the anxieties I had with Jude as a newborn.  There is also a light at the end of the tunnel.  Isaac is, in general, a much more fussy baby than Jude was.  But, I find it doesn't give me anxiety like it would with Jude.  I feel horribly bad for Isaac as I see him struggle with the gas pain and scream trying to poop {poor buddy}, but it doesn't make my blood pressure elevate and I don't freak out.  I just try to get him comfortable the best I can, and know that this developmental stage will pass soon.  I'm grateful for this perspective this time.

But the mommy-guilt is still real.  While my love has surely doubled, the amount of time in the day surely hasn't.  Right now, Isaac demands most of my attention, and I'm not able to give Jude the one-on-one attention that I used to.  Luckily, Jude is a real daddy's boy and if Dada is home really couldn't care less about me. :-)  I'm fine with this, as it makes it easier.  On the other side of mommy-guilt is feeling like I'm not giving Isaac the same attention I gave Jude at that age.  Of course not - I have a 16-month-old climbing on the couch and grabbing the dog's tail!  I try not to be too hard on myself for this.  It's life.  It is what it is.  And I'm sure that what I'm feeling is normal. 

Right now, I go back and forth between thinking that anyone who has more than two kids must be crazy.... and then also knowing deep in my heart that we're also not done at two.  Having a newborn in the house adds a different dynamic to life.  It's a bit more crazy... a transition... but, as I said, it's a season.  A season where we take things day by day and moment by moment.   A season of chaos, but loads of love.  I'm trying hard to embrace and appreciate the chaos of today and not wish for simpler days ahead.