Jude has been sleeping better. {Praise God}. Me? Well... not so much. Remember my goal to go to bed by 10pm? Not the problem really. The problem is once my head hits the pillow. If only I could sleep like my husband, who starts breathing heavily pretty much once the lights are out. I try not to get bitter. But the past 4-5 nights my brain is in over-active mode. Will. Not. Stop. Thinking. The last 4-5 nights I haven't slept at all before Jude's first feeding (around 1am these days).
I've been trying to figure it out. I do have a lot on my mind... maybe I need to journal it all out before bed? Maybe I need to start refusing caffeine after a certain time (although the glass of tea in the evening hardly has enough to do anything... right?). But then I remembered the second part of my goal. Goal #2: Wake up earlier to read my Bible. I have to admit that I have utterly FAILED at this goal. In fact - today I not only slept in until Jude got up, I also took nap #1 with Jude. This in and of itself isn't bad. But it suddenly hit me. I made a goal to spend more time with God... and SUDDENLY my sleep has been so horrible that I have found an "excuse" not to do that.
I'm wondering if this is a spiritual thing. The battle that is so very real. That truth hit me like a ton of bricks. So I stopped everything. The dishes can wait. The laundry will still be there when I'm done. I need to make time to get in God's word even though I'm exhausted. Running on empty. Missed my early wake up. Whatever. This is important. I'm not going to let Satan/exhaustion interfere. It is time for me to get a bit aggressive over my time with God. Because, without that - I feel completely empty. There is a reason we feel this way when we try to do it all ourselves. Because we can't. We weren't created to.
At church we have LTG's. Life Transformation Groups. It is a group of 2-3 people who meet weekly to hold each other accountable and study the word together. I am SO GLAD our church values accountability and discipleship. I need it. I'm in a group with two other ladies that are also in our small group. We are going through a Max Lucado book together, A Love Worth Giving.
Today's reading was about envy {love does not envy}. It talked about surrendering whatever worldly thing has captured our desires in pursuit of Him. It said that God's authentic love is complete. Trying to live apart from God's love is empty, exhausting, and draining. I made a little note, saying, If I am feeling this way... chances are I am not allowing myself to be filled by Him.
BAM! Spot on.
I have had a lot on my mind and heart lately. Being a mama will do that to ya. But I am confessing here and now that I haven't given it up. I am clinging tightly to my own devices to try and "figure it out". That is only a downward spiral of confusion, frustration, emptiness.
So - while still holding onto my goal {using that term loosely here} of going to bed early and waking up early, more importantly I need to find just 10-15 minutes a day to center myself on Christ. Surrender my day to him. Let him fill me. Worship just for a minute or two. I have that much time at least. It is so easy to get caught up in life and being busy and forget who we claim to live for. I know I have. But I can't function apart from him. I've just made that perfectly clear.
So - mini challenge/question. How do you make sure you are centered on Christ every day? What is it in your day that allows you to be filled with him? I know a lot of you are busy mama's as well. Please share in the comments. Then we can all read and be encouraged. :-)
* * * * * * * * * *
On a less heavy and personal note, here is what today looked like.
 | ||
| G'morning sunshine! |
 | |
| Getting ready to try rice cereal for the first time! |
 |
| As you can see it was a huge hit. ;-) *Video to come later. |
 | |
| It was too nice not to get some fresh air. |
 | |
| A bit of tummy time. |
 |
| Best picture fail ever. |
 |
| My sweet boy. |
