Planning and grace.

Hello friends!

Life is starting to resemble some sort of routine these days.  Having a newborn the first time changes everything.  Life suddenly revolves around, not you, but another tiny human who relies on you to sustain their very life.  Not much has changed the second time around.  The difference is that much of the anxiety has eased.  But the busyness just multiplies.  In a good way of course {right??}.  I keep saying, I am cherishing and not wishing away these bitty days I have with Isaac, but I know that in a year, life will be much more predictable (and I like predictable).  I will know that at nap-time I will likely have at least an hour to myself.  Until then, I don't mind soaking up these bitty moments.

I don't know if you do this, but I often create "Rules" for myself.  I find that if I don't put down on paper some sort of guideline or goal for my day-to-day life, I get caught up in the chaos and not much gets done.  Simply, I won't be intentional in the moment if I don't plan to be intentional.

I have found that if I don't give my mornings to what is important, what fills me, then it is likely it just won't happen at all.  That's why I've been trying to wake up before the boys to get filled with the Word.  Sometimes this is a great study time for me.  Many times, this is reading for 10 minutes before needing to jump up and nurse a hungry babe.  The important thing is setting my eyes on Christ first thing for the day.  Praying that he would guide my steps and give me that extra dose of patience I need in toddler-ville.  And praying that truth flow freely in our home.  

It's discipline.  I really struggle with that at times.  To do the mundane things that make our home run more smoothly.  In fact, right now I told Jordan I would be updating the budget, but I haven't touched it.  I need discipline to spend time on me early in the morning so that I have been filled enough to act in truth and love and patience (lots of patience) toward my kids.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day and at the end feel exhausted without much accomplished.  I'm talking chores and housework, but even intentional time with Jude specifically.  Sitting down and playing legos or reading or coloring or covering his arms with stickers.  Right now, my split attention means that whatever is getting my attention needs at least 75% of it (let's face it... as moms, you never will get back 100% attention).

     

I've said it a zillion times.  Since first laying my eyes on Jude, I have had a passion to be intentional with my time with my kiddos.  But, I often fail.  I have days (like yesterday) where I wasn't as patient with Jude as I should have been.  I have weeks where the laundry piles in my room without a second glance from me.  And it has been a month since I have updated our budget (I'll do it tomorrow.....).  Homemaking and parenting is not a job for the faint of heart.  Something I never truly realized until I did it myself.  As the to-do list piles up and the days fly by, there is lots of room for mommy-guilt.  I experience it daily.  I should have sat and made googly-eyes and cooed at my littlest boy while he was awake instead of feeling like I needed to do the dishes... or check Pinterest.  I should shut off the TV after I'm done nursing to limit Jude's screen time and invite him to read a book.  I should take Jude outside more when Isaac is napping.  I should put the darn phone down and bust out the crayons or finger-paints (more on being a hands-free Mama some other time).

Oh, how I could fill my days with all the shoulda' coulda' woulda's.

But.  I'm going to have to settle with being imperfect.  And let grace abound in the gaps.

And pray that God will do a good work in my kiddos hearts, because that is truly none of my doing anyway.  In the meantime, I am praying that God would increase my discipline to follow through on what I have planned.  And show me where I need to maybe give up on some good things, so that I can spend time on the better.  It's a delicate balance.  But it comes down to my priorities.  First, Christ. Second, my marriage. Third, my kids.  The rest becomes somewhat of a blur after that in this season.

I am not sure that this post went exactly where I intended it to go.  But, it is where I am right now.

Real life.

Love having two under two.

I mentioned it in Isaac's birth story, but prior to his birth I had a lot of fear.  Fear about how adding to my family would change it.  Fear about my relationship with Jude changing.  Fear over if I could love this newest baby well enough.  Fear about how much hard work two under two would be (and I always feel the need to distinguish... not just two under two... 15 months is very different from 24!).

Let me repeat (for myself), fear isn't of our Lord!  

Something I am learning, to surrender my fears and worries to the Lord first.  Be quick to pray.  I tend to be quick to google.  And in about 99.9% of these cases, google doesn't end up being the encouragement I'm looking for.

While I was pregnant, I searched for others' experience with two kids fifteen months apart, and my fear was only fueled.  I read things like "I don't know how we made it through the first year", or "It's REALLY hard work - I wanted to pull my hair out", or "My goal was just to survive every day".

Wouldn't you be afraid?

Well, six weeks into this gig with two boys fifteen months apart, I can tell you I had no reason to fear.  I wouldn't say it has been easy, but it certainly isn't the huge insurmountable task I had imagined.  Parenting in general isn't easy.  It is the most challenging and rewarding thing we will ever do. But I don't think that fact changes whether your kids are 15 months or 15 years apart. :-)

In an attempt to be a voice of encouragement in all the blogs out there putting fear into these future-Mamas' hearts, I will say that I have loved and having two boys so close.  A few reasons why....

First of all, we are already in baby mode.  I do diaper laundry a bit more often (because the boys are both in cloth), but I was surprised how easy it was to just slip Isaac right into the routine.  Baths.  Diapers.  Laundry.  Cribs.  No huge transition in that sense.

Jude was too young to really get jealous.  Of course this could just be his personality.  But all-in-all he has pretty much ignored Isaac.  I am pretty sure that now, six weeks later, Jude doesn't remember life without his baby brother.  We had zero sleep regression or anything of the sort.  Life just went on, only with a baby brother in the mix.

I just love watching this bond slowly develop between my boys.  Right now it is basically Isaac happily watching Jude when he's in the room and Jude being on paci-patrol.  Although, today I did catch Jude trying to give Isaac a drink from his sippy cup.  But I know that in the years to come, these two will be permanent buddies and their close age means they will do everything together.  This makes me very excited that God gave us two boys so close.

Despite what I imagined, I can count on one hand the number of times I have had two babies crying and needing me at once.  Those moments do not make up my entire day, but rather are few and far between.  And God has given me that mother-intuition that I need to make it through the challenging moments.

Really.  That last one sums it up.

God has given me what I need for the moment.  He chose me to parent these boys and he'll give me what I need to get through the challenging times.  I won't lie.  It is a busy life.  A full life.  A life full of opportunities to either freak out and question your abilities... or to stop. breathe. give it to God and thank him for the blessing of two sweet boys.  And trust the intuition that he gave you.

But there are many many moments of pure joy in-between the challenges.  It is not all chaos and craziness.  It is also seeing first smiles again.  Sweet baby coos.  Hearing big brother say his baby brother's name for the first time.  And more love than you thought was possible.

God showed me that he created me for this role.  I am enough.  In Him I am enough.  I'm growing up a bit in this role and gradually gaining more and more confidence.

So, is two under two 15 months "easy"?  Ummm... not the word I would use.  It's full.  And busy.  Most often in a good way.  Life is good. 

I don't know it any other way.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dear Isaac :: 1 month old

 

My sweet Isaac,

I'm so enjoying this squishy sweet stage you are in.  You are such a pleasant baby.  You are already cracking smiles for Mama and Dada and just gaze lovingly into our eyes.  If I hold you tummy-to-tummy you are constantly lifting your head to look at my face.  You are already so alert and aware of the people around you.  It's so fun to experience each of these "firsts" with you. 

You are still sleeping in our room.  The difference this time, from your brother, is that I am changing and nursing you in bed.  I might keep you with me a bit longer. :-)  Your brother was kicked out at 5 weeks old, but I'm enjoying having you close.  You are sleeping 5 hour stretches and then usually 3-4 hours after that.  So, I typically get up with you about twice a night.  Although, right now your fussy time is from about 7:30 until 10:30-11pm.  We took you to a kinesiologist about a week or two ago and saw tremendous improvement immediately.  You're starting to act fussy/gassy/in-pain again, so I think another adjustment will help soon.

You basically never wore newborn clothes, as you were already 9lbs 11oz at your two week checkup.  I'm certain you are over 11lbs now.  Possibly 12.  Oye!  My big boy!  I also recently packed up your newborn diapers and you are now up a size in your prefolds.

You have a lot of happy awake times.  You love to just lay on your back and look around and take it all in.  Unfortunately, you have a young big brother who just rampages through the house without looking where he's going, so we have to be very careful where we just set you down.  You are often in the swing, or bouncy seat on the kitchen table.  Or, of course, Mama's arms. :-)

You are taking after your brother - loving your crib.  Already, you will be fussy and tired and prefer your crib to any other place in the house (even Mama's arms at times).  You love to be swaddled up and will take great naps in the crib.  You love taking bath, although your dry skin means you only get a bath twice a week right now.

Your big brother is already so good with you.  He leaves you alone for the most part, but is certain to make sure you always have your paci.  :-)

I'll admit, before you were born I was not loving the idea of going back to the newborn stage.  But let me tell you - I am loving this stage with you.  I'm soaking it up, because now I know how quickly it passes.

Love you my sweet second son.  

Love, Mama

The newborn season.

I'm three weeks and five days into this Mom-of-two gig.  And we've survived so far.  Haha.  I am happy to say that, despite preparing for and expecting the worst case scenario, we are doing well.

The baby fog doesn't lift the second time around.  It is still a cycle of eat, poop (while eating), scream, pee, spit, *insert happy awake time for a couple minutes*, sleep, poop, scream, and poop some more.  The difference this time is I know this is a short season.  I know it gets easier.  The screaming subsides.  The happy awake time lengthens.  And the fun times begin.  I'm trying hard to enjoy the newness of my sweet boy, though.  I don't want to wish it away, yet at the same time I can't wait to see the smiles and hear the laughter.

Many people have asked how Jude has been adjusting.  He honestly hasn't shown a whole lot of interest in Isaac at all.  It's just his young toddler age.  He goes about his daily craziness without much concern for his little brother.  And this is fine by me!  He is on paci patrol - if Isaac loses his paci, Jude is quick to shove it in his face give it back.  He also loves "helping" me change Isaac's diaper - meaning he climbs around on Isaac's rocking chair and empties his drawers while I change Isaac.  The biggest struggle for me concerning Jude has been my recovery from c-section surgery and knowing I'm not supposed to be picking him up, etc... which I have been doing (only as needed) anyway.  It's hard to say "no" to a crying baby who is begging you to hold them (not to be confused with a temper tantrum... we also see plenty of those).

Jude's age has posed some problems, but I think in many ways I'll look back and see how it was even somewhat easier than had he been a few years older.  I have all the struggles any mom would with a 15 or 16-month-old {enter tantrums, being rough, climbing on furniture, and just being a crazy boy in general}.  But he's not jealous.  He hasn't regressed in sleep or anything.  I think he hardly thinks anything of Isaac being around all the time.  He's used to it now.  We're working on being gentle.  I still rarely allow Jude around Isaac for this reason, but I know this will change as they both get older.  We're still very much in just get through the day mode.  I have to say, I am very grateful to Barney for keeping Jude occupied in the same room while I nurse every 2.5-3 hours. {don't judge}

I often find myself wondering, what the heck was so hard about a newborn the first time around??  When it is just me and Isaac, I feel like it's just so simple.  Being a Mama for the second time has definitely eased many of the anxieties I had with Jude as a newborn.  There is also a light at the end of the tunnel.  Isaac is, in general, a much more fussy baby than Jude was.  But, I find it doesn't give me anxiety like it would with Jude.  I feel horribly bad for Isaac as I see him struggle with the gas pain and scream trying to poop {poor buddy}, but it doesn't make my blood pressure elevate and I don't freak out.  I just try to get him comfortable the best I can, and know that this developmental stage will pass soon.  I'm grateful for this perspective this time.

But the mommy-guilt is still real.  While my love has surely doubled, the amount of time in the day surely hasn't.  Right now, Isaac demands most of my attention, and I'm not able to give Jude the one-on-one attention that I used to.  Luckily, Jude is a real daddy's boy and if Dada is home really couldn't care less about me. :-)  I'm fine with this, as it makes it easier.  On the other side of mommy-guilt is feeling like I'm not giving Isaac the same attention I gave Jude at that age.  Of course not - I have a 16-month-old climbing on the couch and grabbing the dog's tail!  I try not to be too hard on myself for this.  It's life.  It is what it is.  And I'm sure that what I'm feeling is normal. 

Right now, I go back and forth between thinking that anyone who has more than two kids must be crazy.... and then also knowing deep in my heart that we're also not done at two.  Having a newborn in the house adds a different dynamic to life.  It's a bit more crazy... a transition... but, as I said, it's a season.  A season where we take things day by day and moment by moment.   A season of chaos, but loads of love.  I'm trying hard to embrace and appreciate the chaos of today and not wish for simpler days ahead.