Seriously.

I just got a call from my OB/GYN's office confirming my appointment for June 1... what should have been my first prenatal appointment.  Do I seriously need to call them back and tell them what is right in my records?? 

Thanks for the reminder of what is NOT going to happen.

The Rollercoaster.

Most of the time I don't know how I feel.  I am all over the place.  It is exhausting.  I wish this had never ever happened... I wish we just had never gotten pregnant, so I wouldn't have to feel this way.  I'm finding that I need to deal with some of these emotions and I don't really know where to start.  Because, one minute I feel strong and optimistic and look forward to the future.  But, the next I feel totally defeated.  I feel like my body has betrayed me and I've failed as a woman and I'm overwhelmed with fear.  I start to feel good because I can objectively look at what has happened and look at my plan moving forward... but then all of the sudden the emotions come rolling in and I can't contain my despair.  I'm a wreck right now.  I really want to start trying again right away.  This has been too long of a journey and I don't want to waste any time.  But I am terrified of trying again at the same time.  I now know the truth of my fears... and I'm worried how I will start to feel if it doesn't happen again for a long time. 

I don't even know what to say right now.  One week ago I was 6 weeks pregnant and happy and thought everything was going great.  I can't believe how much has happened in the past 6 days.  It is hard not to think that I would be 7 weeks pregnant now and all of the changes in development that would be happening.  I am just so sad.  I feel bad for Jordan because he hasn't been able to stop.  He had one of his busiest weeks at work and worked 14 hours in one day and today isn't going to be much better.  When he is home he is bending over backwards for me, because there are moments I just can't move... I'm just numb.  I'm sure he needs to deal with some of this, but he hasn't had the opportunity to.  He is just amazing though.  I am learning more and more how he is perfect for me and the one God chose for me.  I am really needing to just stop and be with him though, and that hasn't really happened yet.  This weekend is Jordan's brother's high school graduation so we're going up there for that.  I want to, but don't want to.  I want to go because this is a big deal and I want to be supportive, but I just don't want to be around a lot of people right now.  It is hard.  But when I am alone is when my mind goes crazy and I find myself just being overwhelmed with memories of the recent events.  It is like it is haunting me.  I can't fall asleep because I am thinking about it... or I wake up at 3 a.m. thinking about it... and my mind won't turn off.  It is awful. 

I guess it is okay for me to be a mess right now.  Maybe I should just accept what is and let myself be a wreck.  Kind of the whole concept of God meeting you where you are at... I really don't feel like God is waiting for me on the other side of this, but rather right here with me... saying I can stay as long as I need to.  But I know there comes a time when I get up and move on.  I just wish that time was now.  But right now, it's not.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.  
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Remembering.

Okay... so this is my third post for the day (can you tell I have a lot on my mind?). 

I have been wanting to do something to remember this whole experience by.  The truth is that we have a baby in heaven and I want to do something here on earth to show it how important it is to me and that I will not forget.  I've heard of people planting trees and stuff like that.  However, when we move, that can't come with us and I think I would really not like that.  I heard of people getting memorial rings and I really liked that idea.  I didn't like the ones I found online that had cheesy and obvious inscriptions like "until we meet in heaven" or whatever.  I thought about a birth stone ring... this baby would have been due January 14, but as I got thinking more I think May is a more significant month for us.  It is literally the month everything happened.  I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of the month and at the end of the month is when we lost the baby.  So I decided on May, which is an emerald.

After an afternoon of searching, I found this.

The rings go together and the small one is an emerald and the large one is a "clear crystal cabachon" (whatever that is).  I found it on Etsy and it is obviously not intentionally a "memorial" ring.  Anyway... I just feel like the symbolism here is PERFECT for how I feel right now.  The small ring is in remembrance of our little one... the large one representing our faith and hope for our future children and family.  We embrace this loss, but move forward and hold tight to God's promise.  This just speaks to me and I am so so so excited for this to come in.  It just makes my heart happy.

It's over.

Well, I officially miscarried today.  I'll spare you the gory details, but it is over.  I am hoping that this means that my hCG levels will go to zero SOON.  We are going to continue to TTC as soon as we can... which my doctor says is whenever I ovulate.

I have read many stories of women getting pregnant again immediately following a miscarriage.  Supposedly you are more fertile and I plan on taking advantage of that.  I have also heard more and more stories of women who miscarried their first and it kind of "reset" their whole system and they never had troubles conceiving after that.  Oh, this would be my prayer!!!!  I hope that my body just needed this to get ready to sustain a pregnancy... and that it will happen soon!  I'd love a spring 2011 baby (and actually like that idea a little bit better than a middle-of-winter baby... I was terrified of going into labor during a snow storm).

Thanks again for all your prayers.  We definitely feel them.

Life goes on.

I am going back to work today... for at least part of the day.  I am scared to have to face everyone and tell them what happened.  I am afraid I will lose it, but in this moment I feel strong, so hopefully I can keep it together. 

After finding out we are indeed miscarrying and sharing the news with friends, I have been overwhelmed at the support we are getting from friends and family.  It means so much to have these friends just grieve with us.  Even more so, stories of women who have miscarried and gone on to have healthy pregnancies are just coming out of the woodwork.  I am learning of more and more people whose first pregnancy ended in miscarriage but was able to get pregnant (and HAVE the baby) shortly after.  This gives me SO MUCH HOPE.  I don't know why miscarriage is something to hide or keep private.  I think sometimes it makes people uncomfortable, but at the same time, sharing in our sufferings is what keeps those people who are in the middle of suffering moving forward.  It sure helps me.  I am terribly sad... after trying for so long, this just felt cruel... but I am looking forward in FAITH and KNOWING that one day I will be pregnant again and have a child at the end to show for it.

The truth.

My doctor has confirmed my worst fear.  We are losing this baby.  It is funny how at peace I feel in this moment though.  I can truly feel the prayers of so many people cover us right now.  God is near and is covering us in this time of need.

The good thing is, my doctor believes I am already taking care of this miscarriage naturally, and he doesn't think I will need any assistance through medication or D&C.  But I have a follow-up appointment next week to be certain.  On the way home my cramping got worse and by the time I got home I was in such excruciating pain I couldn't hardly handle it.  It was so painful it was making me vomit and I just felt like it would never end.  It has ended though... and now an hour or so later I feel "normal".  I really hope and pray that was it and the pain will stay away.

I am learning more and more about God's sovereignty.  That I am truly not in control (even of the things that I think I am).  I am constantly reminded to be on my knees and to surrender.  I have all these plans and timetables of when I think things should happen.  I think I need to learn to be patient and to truly wait on the Lord in faithfulness and trust.  This has been a difficult lesson to learn.

Please let today be over.

I just want this day to be over.  I have my doctors appointment at 1pm and I almost feel like not going because I already know what he is going to tell me.  Of course I will go.  I am just sooo tired... tired of trying and being disappointed.  Tired of the roller coaster of emotions.  I'm tired of this being our struggle.

All I can do is just sit here and cry today.  And I know that's okay... I need to grieve and just get it out.  I don't really feel like talking to anyone but Jordan.  I don't know how I am going to face work tomorrow.  It is hard, because I just don't feel like people understand how devastating miscarriage is.  It is completely heart breaking and devastating.  I know I never held my baby or saw her or anything... it was a dream that came true for only a matter of weeks.  But it was real. 

It is hard to pull out my chart again and know I am going to need to start temping and buy some OPK's soon.  I was hoping to be done with that for 9 months.

I have some decisions to make now.  First - I just need to see what the doctor says today... he may recommend some "assistance" in getting this miscarriage overwith.  Many women go the D&C route, which pretty much is surgery where they dilate your cervix and scrape out the insides of your uterus.  There are obviously risks with this... and it makes me terrified, but the good part of that is that it is definitively over.  Or I can just want for it all to happen naturally... which could take weeks upon weeks.  Or I could take medication to induce miscarriage... pretty much causing my uterus to contract and in a matter of a day or two, get rid of everything.  I've heard that is pretty painful too.  I don't know what to do.  But I do know that this has not scared me away from getting pregnant and I want to start trying again as soon as I can.  I don't want this miscarriage to last for another month.  I want it to be over.

I've started cramping a little bit today.  All of my pregnancy symptoms are gone.  After thinking about it - I realized that most of them left the day before I started bleeding.  Heartburn, peeing all the time, sore boobs, etc... nothing on Friday.  Thursday I was beside myself in pain with heartburn and was waking up in the middle of the night and needing to go to the bathroom... Friday... nothing.  I noticed this on Friday, but just took it as symptoms just changing (as is to be expected).  But little did I know it meant something.

I want you all to know that I really really appreciate your prayers.  I don't write this blog so people will feel sorry for me or whatever.  It is truly therapeutic for me to get this out... and I hope that it is an easy way for you to understand what is going on without feeling awkward about asking (because I know that happens).  And hopefully... someday someone else will be going through the same thing and they'll be able to read about my experience and find some comfort in it.  I know that I have found comfort in stories I've read about other women who have gone through the same thing.  It is good to know we're not alone in our suffering.

When I named my blog "Those Who Trust"... I had no idea how much trust I would need to have in this next year.  I need to trust in God's goodness... sovereignty... unfailing love.  I need to trust even when I don't feel like it... when I feel like giving up and crawling into a hole and wishing the world would just HOLD ON for a minute.  But life goes on and so must I.  And I just gotta trust.  So - pray for trust for me... and peace... and patience.  All of the above.  Thanks, and love you all.

Will be back soon!

I know I haven't been keeping up-to-date with this thing.  We've had some crazy things happen to us lately, and I have had minimal time that I've been keeping up with blogging/sewing/etc.  I do have some projects I can't wait to show you, but have yet to finish them up and they will be up here.

Not to mention I never updated anything about the Access Gala... geesh.  But if you want to see pictures you can view them here: http://bit.ly/9Owk1R

I promise I'll be back soon. :-)

The best and the worst.

** FYI... some of what I say in here may be TMI for some people... don't say I didn't warn you**

May 3, 2010 was one of the best days of my life.  I got up on that Monday morning and took a pregnancy test on a whim.  I knew it was early, only 10dpo, but I had a test so I thought, what the heck.  I took the test, set it on the bedside table, and got back to reading my devotions.  I somewhat forgot about it, seeing as I had seen hundreds of "Not Pregnant" tests before, but happened to glance at it... seeing the bold clear words "Pregnant".  I was thrilled!  After 10 months of trying, we finally had our BFP.  I had a fun way I was hoping to share my pregnancy news with Jordan but when I saw the test, all of that flew out the window and I went to the bathroom where he was shaving and shoved the test in front of his face.  He smiled, said "Cool!" and we couldn't have been happier.  The next couple of weeks were spent dreaming about this little one, planning how we would arrange the nursery and guest bedroom, and beginning to hack at our long list of names that we loved.

That didn't last for long though.  On May 22, 2010, at 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I noticed some spotting when I went to the bathroom.  Knowing that it could be completely normal, I kind of wrote it off, but when it continued through the afternoon I called my doctors office and spoke to the on-call doctor.  He pretty much told me to rest easy, but if the bleeding got heavier to go to the ER.  The bleeding stayed the same for most of Saturday, but on Sunday morning I found that it wasn't just spotting anymore, but a lot of blood - clots and all.  Jordan had to play at church, but I didn't, so I was at home by myself and called Jordan freaking out - telling him that we needed to go to the ER.  He found someone to cover for him the 2nd half of the service, and came home so we could go to the ER.  The bleeding continued and we waited in the ER for nearly 2 hours before we were seen.  I had a regular ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound which showed a gestational sac, but no yolk sac or fetal pole.  I also had bloodwork done which showed my HCG levels in the 700 range, which is very low for 6 weeks.  All of this - not good signs.  5 hours later... we arrived home, and heartbroken.

The bleeding has continued through today.  I don't really know what to make of all of this.  I suppose there is a glimmer of hope that this baby could still be alive, but in reality with the information we have, I know that is a long shot.  I don't even really know what to feel.  I am devastated, heartbroken, and just completely numb.  A lot of WHY questions run through my mind, but I don't even let myself go there, because I don't want to get bitter.  But I am going to let myself cry and grieve... but I am not going to let this stop me in my tracks and fall into a hole of despair.  God's desire is to bless us... but he gives and takes away and it is all for his glory.  I trust in that.  The day before I found out I was pregnant, I wrote in my journal relating to infertility:

In church today, we talked about responding to suffering - in that we need to draw near to the kingdom of God in our suffering.  I know to myself, my suffering of not getting pregnant is at times all-consuming.  In comparison, people have made it through MUCH more.  And God has always been faithful.  So - in this season of suffering, I will daily draw near to God and seek him first - above all else - above a child.  Because I know he is good and because I choose trust.

I am going to continue to choose trust in this season of loss.  And I am going to continue to seek God first, because that is the ONLY way I know how to continue.  I've found comfort in some verses shared by friends:

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.  The Lord be with all of you. (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

 ¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,
       my eyes are not haughty;
       I do not concern myself with great matters
       or things too wonderful for me.

 ² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
       like a weaned child with its mother,
       like a weaned child is my soul within me.

 ³ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
       both now and forevermore. (Psalm 131)

Our friends and family have been absolutely amazing.  Praying constantly for us and offering help and encouragement and love.  And I must say, right now I feel at peace.  I don't feel like this all the time, but I know that God has a reason and a plan and a time for everything under the sun.  I just HAVE to cling to that.

So what now?  I have another blood test in the morning and then at 1pm I have an appt with my doctor.  They are going to wait another week to do an ultrasound if it makes sense.  Obviously if my HCG levels drop - the pregnancy is ending and there will be no need for an ultrasound.  In the meantime, I am taking the doctors advice and staying home and resting and keeping my feet up.  If this pregnancy is viable yet, I am pretty sure I'll be high-risk until this bleeding is over.  I still have some hope for a miracle, but I have to say I'd be completely shocked if I'm not miscarrying.  But God is in the business of surprises and miracles, so we will just have to see.  Thank all of you for your prayers and support!  I know a lot of people don't share their pregnancies til later on in fear that something will go wrong and they'll have to tell all these people about their loss.  I must say, I wouldn't have it any other way.  We had told some friends (and were about to tell others next weekend) and a lot of people at church and our families.  It has meant the WORLD to have these people surrounding us in prayer and supporting us as we go through this difficult time.  I think next time we will tell people right away again.

Anyway - thank you for your prayers.  I'll keep you all updated as I learn more about what is going on.

Update.

I haven't updated in awhile... so I thought I'd share some of what's going on.  Nothing new to report as of yet.  I did meet with my *NEW* doctor last week, Dr. Edvenson, and he was very encouraging and helpful.  He said my charts look great (to which I responded... "umm... thanks??") and gave me a prescription for 2 more rounds of clomid and said if I'm not pregnant in 2 more months to go back and see him.  He said he doesn't like to give people false hope, but he feels good about our situation.  He said sometimes if you ovulate irregularly, your eggs aren't the best quality, etc, and so you can't get pregnant easily... so with clomid and ovulating regularly, things should turn around. 

I have just felt so encouraged lately.  We have shared our struggle with our small group and a couple of weeks ago they laid hands on us and prayed for us.  It was just so uplifting and I really feel the peace of God in it all. 

So - here's hoping for a January baby!