when hope is shared

I got the text.

I just found out I'm miscarrying. Thanks for your prayers.

And my Mama-heart is stuck in my throat.  The tears well in my eyes as the devastation of this loss is all too familiar.  The age-old questions of why, Lord, why linger in my prayers.  And I wonder, no, I know that her heart breaks the same as mine did.

I remember the advice that I rejected at the time.  The truth that was spoken then that I hated, is now true in my life.

It was necessary.

Why God?

In my weakness He is made great.

But, God, it hurts.

So, trust.  He is sovereign and He has a plan.

The truth that was spoken said if it weren't for my loss, I wouldn't have the one I labored over for hours upon hours.  And it is true.  My sweet Jude is the one I was supposed to parent and raise.  I want to tell her this.  Of the gift that comes after the suffering.  But those words are hard to swallow when you haven't met your one yet.

I know what the Lord told me.  That He is more powerful than science.  His plan is greater than this event.  His will be done.

And I wonder if it happened to me, so that I could be a friend to her.  Sharing my story.  Sharing in pain.  Sharing in waiting.

The stories shared were medicine to me.  The survivors who thrived and told me of the days to come.  The women I will never forget in their raw comfort.

I wasn't alone.  Neither is she.  Neither are you.

Friend.  This is not the end.  He does not allow pain carelessly.  And your story will one day bring light to anothers' dark place.  This is what happens when pain (and hope) is shared.

Two years ago.

If you had read my blog two years ago, you would be reading the story of a person who was experiencing the most pain she had ever experienced.

Hope, followed by loss.

Pregnancy, followed by miscarriage.  

I had never understood pain in this way before.  I had lost people I loved, but nothing quite as devastating and personal to me as this.  After longing for a baby for about a year I had started to lose hope that it was possible for us.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  Then, hope.  That positive pregnancy test.  And nearly three weeks later, loss.

{I don't even really know what to feel.  I am devastated, heartbroken, and just completely numb. 5.24.10}

This experience really defined me for a period of weeks.  It consumed me.  I locked myself in the house for at least a week before I could bring myself to go back to work.  My suffering was consuming me.

I know women who are there now.  Whose suffering is consuming them.  It's hard.  Very very hard.  When I was in that moment I knew that my suffering wasn't in vain.  That there had to be some reason for it.  Some growing God was doing in me, and something glorifying to him that would blossom as a result.  I knew it, but I sure didn't feel it.  I couldn't pray or talk to God at all for weeks.  I was just numb.

{God's desire is to bless us... but he gives and takes away and it is all for his glory.  I trust in that.  The day before I found out I was pregnant, I wrote in my journal relating to infertility:   

In church today, we talked about responding to suffering - in that we need to draw near to the kingdom of God in our suffering.  I know to myself, my suffering of not getting pregnant is at times all-consuming.  In comparison, people have made it through MUCH more.  And God has always been faithful.  So - in this season of suffering, I will daily draw near to God and seek him first - above all else - above a child.  Because I know he is good and because I choose trust.

I am going to continue to choose trust in this season of loss.  And I am going to continue to seek God first, because that is the ONLY way I know how to continue. 5.24.10}

So, here I am.  Two years later.  Clearly God has blessed us with child(ren) since.  There is an "after" to this story.  This part of my life no longer defines me.  I am not overwhelmed by suffering.  But this experience has absolutely changed me.  And two years later, I have now experienced God's goodness through it.

Because of this experience, I am a more compassionate person.  I'll never underestimate someone else's pain.  I won't make judgment on how someone handles their suffering.  Instead, I will join you.  I will cry with you.  I will talk with you about it.  Because I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to me when I was in that place.  I will not act as if your pain does not exist, just to avoid an awkward conversation or because I don't want to remind you of it.  I know I don't have to remind you.  It is all-consuming.

Thank you to the friends who cried with me in this season.  Those are the friends that have a special place in my heart that I will never ever forget.

Because of this experience, I believe in the power of sharing life with people.  Other women's stories who had gone through it and survived it kept me looking forward.  I am an open book.  I've never hesitated to share my life, but after experiencing the healing that happens in sharing in someones suffering, I am more quick to share my struggles and pain.  Raw, genuine, real.  These are things I greatly value.  I pray that I am always quick admit my weakness and my pain.  Because I know that sharing these things are bringing healing to someone else's spirit.

Also because of this experience, I trust in God's sovereignty more than before.  I trust that he is more powerful than science.  That he has a reason for pain and suffering.  And that he will be glorified.  I trust this not in a head-knowledge, because I read it and memorized it and know it-kind of way.  I trust it because God has written this truth on my heart and I believe it.  He has proven it in my life.

I don't know why I feel compelled to write about this today.  But I do.  A friend asked me recently how it feels to be surprised with a pregnancy after our year of trying and miscarriage... how devastating a time it was for me.  I still don't know how to answer that.  Partially because even at 35 weeks pregnant I still can hardly believe God has blessed us in this way again.  His goodness has been abundant.  But also because, I so so very clearly remember that pain.  I remember how it felt to hear of surprise pregnancies and just not wrapping my mind around how people can not try and get pregnant and people can try for years and not.  I remember the pain that came with that.  Not bitterness toward any one person, but just the questions.  The ache.  The not understanding.  {I still don't understand.}

Remembering...

Like I said, I have friends suffering in this place right now.  I just want to say that I'm lifting you up in prayer today.  Because that is doing the best I can do.  And I have faith that you will be on the other side of your story, looking back, and seeing how God was faithful.

 

Thankful.

I've been impatient this week.  In my defense, I've been feeling pretty awful.  I'm getting to the end of this pregnancy journey and it is taking a toll on me physically.  And I'm exhausted.  I've had many "get this baby out of me" moments and sometimes even 3 weeks sounds like a long time to wait.  But, it is a small price to pay for what is to come.

I just got done reading the blog of a friend who has struggled with infertility for over 2 years.  I feel like I got a tiny taste of that struggle when it took us over a year to get pregnant, then experienced a loss, before getting our wonderful baby boy in my belly.  I remember month after month after month of disappointment - often coupled with anger and bitterness you try to fight.  I haven't forgotten that feeling.  You can imagine how foolish I felt, sitting here feeling impatient that my baby is AT MOST 33 days away from me (if I do go 2 weeks late)... when I am reminded that there are people who would give anything to be in my shoes.

When we were trying for a baby, I would often say that I didn't care if I knew having a baby was 3 years and thousands of dollars away - it was the unknown month after month that was so difficult.  It is easy find a reason to be patient when you have a countdown, like I do.  But I just feel for those of you who long for motherhood in your hearts and struggle every day with when and how that will ever happen.

So - I apologize for my impatience.  I can wait 33 days.

Know that those of you who are still waiting for a countdown are in my prayers.

January 14.

Okay... so I know I am not ready to pop.  I have a good 10(ish) weeks of ballooning up before I pop, but I gotta say I am suddenly feeling the time crunch.  10 weeks... means only 10 weekends of preparation... weekends that are getting packed full quickly with plans - baby and non-baby related.  It's crazy.  I can hardly wrap my mind around how my life is going to completely change in 10 weeks.

I'm not stressing out... I'm motivated to get things done.  I have a 4 day weekend I'm dedicating largely to getting some of these tedious "to do's" crossed off my list.  Right now I'm prepping my cloth diapers.  Who knew it took so long?!  I have to wash pre-folds and my all-in-ones separately, because of the oils in the prefolds... and a good 5-10 washes EACH before they will be absorbent enough to use on my little guy.  I'm not the greatest at keeping up with laundry, but I have a feeling this is going to force me to.  I'm SUPER excited to use cloth though.  It will save us tons of money, and the perk is that they are so dang cute.  So I am 100% on board with cloth... whether I end up liking it or not.

Anyway... to change subjects completely... today is January 14.  I've thought about this day many times... wondering how I would feel... and I still don't know how to feel.  Today is my "would be" due date for the baby we lost last Spring.  Our miscarriage baby.  I truly don't know how I feel.  I think about that baby, and I feel so very sad that I wasn't able to carry him or her longer... to experience a full-term pregnancy and eventually meet him/her.  It is SO sad.  But -- on another note, I know that this little boy I am carrying today would not have existed had we not had that first loss.  What strange emotions.  I am so in love with this baby I am carrying now... and SO SO thankful that God blessed us with another child so quickly.  It still blows my mind how it all played out.  All I know is that God is sovereign... his ways are not our ways... there are many things that I will never understand about why he puts us on the path we are on... but I know he is good through it all.  We are so blessed to be expecting this child in 10 weeks.  I am very VERY glad I didn't have to experience this January 14 without my little guy bouncing in my belly.  

{The rings I bought in remembrance of our miscarriage baby... the emerald - the birthstone for the month of May, which is when we discovered we were pregnant (May 3) and lost our baby (May 26)... then the large crystal-like stone representing our faith, hope, and love for our future children... which God has so graciously blessed us with.  I plan to get more smaller "stacked" rings symbolizing the birth months of our future children as they arrive.}

Moving over.

For the past 9 months, I have GREATLY neglected this blog.  That is because I have been maintaining another blog... a blog about our personal struggles with getting pregnant, having a miscarriage, then having a risky pregnancy immediately after.  Now that we have told the world (or at least, facebook) that we are pregnant, I'm not going to try to maintain two blogs.  Instead... I have moved it ALL over here.  I imported my old blog here and will keep it updated.  If you are interested in just searching my old blog, you can find it at www.thosewhotrust.blogspot.com.

This past year has been one of the most difficult of our lives, but we have been so blessed.  I know when I was in the middle of my struggles, I found great comfort in finding stories of people who had been through it before.  That is why I have decided to share all of it here, and not hold back.  There is something so freeing about being transparent, and that is what I am trying to be.

ANYWAY.

I did my 12 week update yesterday, but didn't have this picture ready yet. :-)

There is the bump.  It doesn't look very bumpish in this picture.  I wish I had taken one at 8 weeks... because I'm curious how different I look.  I FEEL a whole lot different.  Between 8 weeks and 12 weeks my pants suddenly stopped fitting and I am completely in the Bella Band.  I figure I'll do updates every 4 weeks or so to see the difference.  It is crazy how much I know I am going to grow in the next 28 weeks!  Oh, and if I look tired, it is because I am... that and my latest and greatest pregnancy symptom is constant headaches. :-(

Macy is very excited to be a big sister.  The shirt says it all. :-)