My new job title.

I have had a job since I was 14 years old.  I worked for Janie's Cookie Company in the mall and baked cookies and scooped ice cream.  I can't believe my parents drove me to work every day after school, but I wanted to work.  I guess you can say I've always been a busy body.

Since then I've been a sales associate, tanning salon manager, direct care provider, community living support, leasing consultant, staffing specialist, and most recently (and most favoritely) Development Director at an absolutely wonderful non-profit organization for the past 3 years.

I have loved working for Access of West Michigan for the past 3 years.  They are an amazing organization that works with hunger and poverty issues in Kent County.  Even more amazing than the work they do are the hearts of those who do it.  This is a group of passionate people.  And passion is contagious.  I have been encouraged, challenged, and uplifted by people I call my Access family for the past 3 years.

And I'm going to really really miss them.

See, I really wanted to be one of those moms work worked a couple days a week and stayed home with my little guy the rest of the week.  I thought I had the perfect scenario to work from home 10 hours a week and in the office on Tuesdays.  But what I found is that working from home is HARD.  I didn't like feeling like the time my son was awake was an "inconvenience" because I had SO much to do.  I didn't like my attention split and not being able to compartmentalize my work vs. home duties.  I didn't like how I felt like I was failing as a wife and mother and employee, simply because I am not super wife/mom/woman.  In short, I felt like I was trying to do everything, and none of it well.

It was clear to me working from home wasn't working.  It was either work in the office 2-3 days a week or don't work at all.

Oh, how I struggled with this.  Like I said, I wanted to be one of those moms.  The ones who can work and enjoy a career and be a good mom.  I just wasn't settled with this in my spirit.  I just knew that it was best for my family for me to stay at home.  It was best for my marriage and best for my son.  But I had a very hard time sacrificing my role as Development Director.  Because I love my job and love the people I work with.  It would be a sacrifice... a big one.  Financially... career-wise.  And I wrestled with this for 3 months.  I prayed for clarity and peace.  I feel that God gave me insight into my own motives for wanting to keep working.  It is hard to let go of something that you have found identity in for over 12 years of your life.  My entire life until now has been about career.  I didn't go to college to learn how to be a SAHM.  "What do you do?" is one of the first questions people ask you.  I'll admittedly say that I struggled with letting go of this title I had define me for so long.

But the truth is, work doesn't define me.  Working at Access doesn't make me any more or less of a person.  It doesn't make me any more or less capable.  It doesn't make me any more or less valuable.  What does define me is that I am a daughter of the King and I have committed myself to seeking him with my whole heart.  And the answer is clear.  I know I will never regret the decision to invest in my son and my family with 100% of my focus and attention.  

So a couple weeks ago I sat down with my boss and told him I needed to stay home with my boy.  Tears were shed, hugs were had, and I was told that if I ever needed a job again to give them a call first.  And I definitely will.

So, in short, come the end of September I will have a new job title. Stay At Home Mom!!!  I am VERY excited to invest 100% in my sweet boy and my family.  I know this is the right choice.  It will not be easy.  Financially, we obviously aren't dink's anymore (dual income no kids).  But I don't think I'll look back and say I am so glad I worked so I could do that bathroom renovation 6 months earlier.  I love the idea of taking my new "job" seriously and planning fun things for me and my boy to do as he grows older.  And making our home a place that is stress-free for my husband.

But I am going to miss my Tuesdays in the office.  Particularly this group of people.

But I cannot WAIT to spend the next 18+ years trying to raise this little guy into a Godly man.

WAHM.

I'm a work-at-home-mama.  Prior to actually BEING a mama, this seemed like the most ideal situation.  What could be better than staying home with my little bubba, working when I can, and making some extra money?  Well... let's just say my glorified view of being a WAHM isn't quite what I thought.  It's still work... and it's hard.

I've just been struggling lately fitting work into my day.  My schedule is such that I am in the office for 6-7 hours during the week and I have to log about 8-9 more at home.  I've been getting all of my hours in, but at the cost of feeling overwhelmed and like my day is a haphazard mess.  The hard part is, I really do love my job.  The harder part is, I have a LOT more responsibilities to take care of when I am at home vs. when I am at the office.  And Jude doesn't nap quite as well as he did when he was 6 weeks old.  When he naps I find myself feeling like I need to be working, but also need to do the dishes, the laundry, vacuum, exercise, read my bible, etc... and those naps are getting fewer and further between.  Being a MOM is a full-time job in and of itself.  Anyone who things otherwise has never been a mom.

I'm not trying to complain.  But I'm bound and determined to find a solution.  I hate feeling like I can't be fully present at my job OR at home.  One solution would be to go into the office more.  But that means less money coming in, as I would need a sitter.  Another option would be to just say forget doing anything during the day (except respond to emails, which is easy), and focus on writing grants in the evening after Jude goes to bed and Jordan is home.  I'm leaning towards that option.  I feel like I need a schedule and a set aside time where I KNOW I will have time to work - so that I can push it out of my brain for the rest of the day... but other WAHM mama's... what is your solution?  How do you find balance and keep yourself from getting overwhelmed?    

Hi ho hi ho...

... back to work I go!  This week is my first week back on the job.  I wasn't planning on starting until next week, but looking at the calendar I have WAY to many grant deadlines that are super close, so I needed this extra week so I'm not totally overwhelmed when I go back.  I really think I have the ideal situation in going back to work.  I'll be in the office on Tuesdays and then work at home the rest of the week (about 8-10 hours worth).  Yesterday was Jude's first day with our sitter and I have to say that it went WAY better than I expected.  I was expecting to feel totally emotional and obsessed the entire day about going home.  I was so busy at work, I was just thankful for how much I was able to get done at the office that I won't need to do at home.  And I feel really good about Kim.  She is coming to OUR house to watch him!!  I'm SO glad it worked out for Jude to be in his own environment.

The anticipation of this week starting was way worse than it actually starting. I found myself sad thinking about spending time at home needing to focus on work and not on Jude.  But he took a wonderful 2.5 hour nap this morning which allowed me to get a lot of work out of the way so that I could focus on him an being a wife and mama the rest of the day. :-)  I'm feeling pretty good at this point!

Last week was my 6 week doctors appointment!  I was happy to get the "all clear" to begin life as normal.  And I feel completely normal too - which I thought would almost never happen.  So I started yoga this week... and wow.  I am stiff and TOTALLY not flexible.  But I really want to love yoga... I really want to be good at it.  I'm just not naturally flexible, but I feel like it really challenges me.  So I have kind of decided for this to be my focus for a little while.  I am still going to do the couch to 5K running plan, but I want to do yoga 4-5 times a week as well.  And once I hit the 5K distance {which shouldn't take too long} I just want to run that a couple times a week to keep up cardio.  But I want a different challenge... and I want to love yoga.

I can't believe how fast the time has gone... I keep saying that... but it's true.

37 weeks.

FULL TERM.  And I am glad to be here... I go back and forth from being like "holycrapwe'reactuallygoingtohaveababy" to "getthisbabyoutofme".  I feel like today it suddenly became more real to me that this baby is coming one way or another.  I don't know why, but I have been experiencing spontaneous bouts of nausea/vomiting tonight.  I have heard that this can be a sign of impending labor, or just simply another lovely third trimester symptom.  Time has yet to tell.  But just the idea that labor could happen any second makes me suddenly very aware of how real this is now.

Today's date: March 6, 2011

How far along: 37 weeks

Total weight gain: 28 lbs is the official number at the Dr.'s.  I'm gaining the textbook 1lb a week at this point.

Size and growth of the baby: Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard).

Sex: BOY BOY BOY!!

Maternity clothes: Sweatpants.

Sleep: I long for sleep... but we've been on again off again for awhile now.

 
Best moment(s) of the week:  Date night with my hubby on Saturday night!  Thai food (yum) and a movie... which was good, but I found myself wishing I had brought my slew of pillows to help make me comfortable.

Movement: Less this week... which I have been told to expect.  He is getting much bigger and is running out of room.  Still regular movement though.

 
Food cravings/aversions:  Ice cream, as always.  But after my recent nausea, nothing sounds good right now.  Blah.

 
Morning sickness: Yes!  What the heck third trimester?!

 
Symptoms: Cramping, achiness.  The baby has dropped (and this was confirmed by my doctor) and I have to waddle as opposed to walk sometimes.

 
Labor signs:  No action there.  Not dilated or effaced.  Although I know this means jack squat.

Belly button in or out:  On the verge.

 
What I miss:  Sleep.  I have a feeling it'll be awhile before we reunite.  

What I'm looking forward to:  As much as I love my job (and I do)... I'm exhausted, and uncomfortable, and totally distracted.  I'm ready to be done and focus on this little guy for awhile.  My last day of work is March 16 and I'm glad to have at least a week (hopefully) to just relax and prepare.  Of course, this guy could have totally different plans, so we'll just see.

What's happening this week:

Your baby is now considered "full term," even though your due date is three weeks away. If you go into labor now, his lungs will likely be mature enough to fully adjust to life outside the womb. 
Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don't be surprised if your baby's hair isn't the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children come out as blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

 

 

{swiss chard sounds disgusting... and looks disgusting... why compare this to a baby?!}

Decision made.

I am happy happy happy.  I have been off work for the past week and have gotten to relax, spend time with family, and just focus on this little guy and dream about how our life is going to change dramatically in 3 short months. 

I am getting SOOOOO excited to meet this little guy.  Jordan and I have made a few BIG decisions (to me) in the past few weeks relating to life with this little guy.  First of all -- I have been struggling so much with the decision to work or not work or work part-time.  Access of West Michigan is a WONDERFUL place to work and they have always been super flexible with me.  Jordan and I always planned on me being a stay-at-home-mom, but since being at Access, in a career I love at an non-profit I love, I have had a difficult time just walking away.  So, I pretty much just altered my job description to express what I thought I could handle being a new mom, and presented it to our Executive Director to see if he thought it was do-able.  It looks like everyone is on the same page and I couldn't be more thrilled!  Beginning in March, I will be working 15 hours a week, 5 hours in the office and 10 at home.  I'll be focusing on grant-writing, writing appeals, etc... and less on community outreach (which calls for me to be in multiple meetings and out of the house/office frequently).  I really feel like this is a do-able plan and I am so excited to be able to stay home, while continuing to work for an organization I love.  I'll work until I have the baby, then take my maternity leave.  Yippee!!

The second decision Jordan and I recently made, is that we are planning for a natural drug-free birth.  I also felt very torn on this decision.  My family has a history of c-sections and for whatever reason I am more scared of that than of labor.  I also knew that studies show that women who have epidurals, etc, are more likely to need a c-section.  I just feel like I am at an increased risk.  Obviously -- if I need a c-section... then I need a c-section and I'll have my baby and it will be wonderful.  But, we decided that if I want to do what I can to avoid this, planning for a drug-free birth is the best way to have the birth experience I desire.  I've been reading tons and tons of birth stories of women who birthed naturally and just find myself excited and inspired by the whole experience.  I am not expecting it to be easy, but view it as a challenge that I am excited to take on.  Birth is like a race... it is mental, emotional, and physical all the same, and you need to prepare each of these areas.  I know that if I go in just giving a drug-free birth a shot without preparing, there is no way I'd be able to handle it.  My good friend Erin recently had a drug-free birth with her son, John, and introduced me to her doula and birth coach.  Her name is Karlye and she teaches a hypnobirthing* class and also serves as a hypbobirthing doula.  Now - I know hypnobirthing sounds kinda hippy/new age-ish, but I can assure you it is not.  It is more about just preparing yourself mentally and physically to handle labor and get your mind into a place where you release the tension and fear surrounding birth.  We have 5 weeks of childbirth classes to prepare us and our first one starts next week!!  I am so excited I can hardly wait.  I know I will get some push-back from people as I talk about it, but all I can say is that the birth you want is an extremely personal decision.  I am by no means against epidurals or c-sections (except that I am scared of them myself!), but Jordan and I feel that this type of birth fits in best with what we hope to experience.  It is so weird, I never "dreamed" about my actual birth before, but now I find myself just dreaming about the labor experience and getting excited to conquer it.  I'll obviously post my birth story once it happens in about 3 months to share with you how it went.

Now I must get on to sewing for my little guy.  On the agenda today -- curtains, crib skirt, and pillow covers.  I started my quilt, but haven't actually quilted it yet.  {Excuse the horrible photo quality -- these were taken on my phone.  I'll take more later on with my good camera.}

{one view of the nursery in the very beginning stages... i plan to paint the bookcase red for a pop of color}

 

{the quilt and crib}

*For those interested, the hypnobirthing class description:  HypnoBirthing is a complete, natural childbirth class that focuses on breathing, relaxation, and self-hypnosis. HypnoBirthing will prepare you physically and emotionally for your birthing day.  Its philosophy is that pregnancy and birth are normal, natural, and healthy. You will be taught about your birthing body and how your mind plays a crucial role in how your birth will be achieved.  HypnoBirthing will give you the knowledge to work with your body throughout labor allowing for a more comfortable and enjoyable experience.

13 weeks.

I am officially in 2nd trimester!!  Woo hoo!!  I feel SO relieved to be here.  I feel like I am able to relax and enjoy this stage of pregnancy.  I can't wait to look pregnant.  I feel my waist line growing, but I still don't look pregnant.  Soon enough.  :-)

One thing that has been heavy on my heart is what to do about work when the baby comes.  I always saw myself as a stay at home mom.  However, I am now in a job that I love at an organization that I seriously believe is the best ever.  Sometimes I can't imagine giving this up.  They are willing to be flexible with me schedule-wise, but I constantly go back and forth with what I should do.  Jordan has always wanted me to stay home.  Financially - we'd have to make some real lifestyle changes, but we could live off his income.  But in some ways, I feel if I stayed home, I'd be mourning the end of a career that barely started.  But I can't help but wonder if I'd regret not giving my full attention to my kids, as my mom did.  It is a hard decision... and I need prayer for it.  So, if you think of it - lift me up. :-)  Jordan and I were talking about this the other night over chinese food (I was CRAVING it... and had a coupon for buy one get one free buffet... win win situation there).  And this was my fortune.

Haha.  Whether I work, work at home, or stay home... I think it is clear that my line of work is soon going to be changing in some capacity. :-)  I have some time to make my final decision about work, but I would like to give my work an answer so they can adjust accordingly with plenty of time (even if I stay working, I would not be able to work in the office 4 days a week).

Anyway... 13 week update!!

Today's date: September 19, 2010

How far along: 13 weeks (2nd TRIMESTER!!)

Total weight gain: Still nothing.  Not complaining though.

Size and growth of the baby: The size of a peach, about 2.9" and about .81oz.  Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body.

Sex: Gender ultrasound is scheduled for November 10!!!  I'll be just over 20 weeks. :-)  I still feel like I would be shocked if it was a girl.

Maternity clothes: I gave in and put on the maternity jeans today.  I can still button my regular jeans but they are tight and getting more uncomfortable.  I am not a real fan of the bella band, but I will continue to use it for my work pants.  That one pair of jeans is still the only one I can button.  Maternity jeans are soooo comfy.  I don't know why all pants are just elastic anyway.

Sleep: Sleeping good... some crazy dreams happening lately.  Getting up to pee more often.

Best moment(s) of the week: Hearing the heartbeat again on Thursday!  The doctor picked it up with the doppler right away and said we are 99% in the clear.  I am now considered completely normal and don't have another appointment until 16 weeks.

Movement: Too soon to feel, though it's happening. :)  I hope I can feel it in about a month or so.

Food cravings/aversions: MUCH MUCH better.  I feel like I am having more cravings than aversions in this stage.  So far this week, I have craved fast food, chinese food, and spaghetti.

Morning sickness: Feeling pretty good these days!

Symptoms: Fatigue, headaches, expanding belly.

Labor signs: Way too soon.

Belly button in or out: In.

What I miss: Nothing right now.

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling the baby move... looking pregnant.

What's going on this week:

Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, her veins and organs are clearly visible through her still-thin skin, and her body is starting to catch up with her head — which makes up just a third of her body size now. If you're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries.  Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords...savor this, their nonfunctional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with his head now only one third the size of his body. And intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy -- much more convenient.

'Tis life.

Life is moving full speed ahead and is not slowing down anytime soon!!  April is a busy month for us.  The main thing is that I am in the process of planning the First Annual Fundraiser Gala at Access!  I am very excited about this event, but forgot how much time goes into an event like this.  It is like a wedding - only worse.  Luckily there is an AWESOME events committee working on this and I seriously could not have planned it without them.  I am already recruiting them for next year... hopefully. :-)  The date is April 22nd, so just 10 days away!  I am now on to the most important details of the night... such as what to wear... I have a feeling I need to make a trip to Ann Taylor LOFT soon. :-)

RiverTown Food Drive

Wow!  What a DAY yesterday.  RiverTown Crossings Mall partnered with ACCESS for their 10th Anniversary celebration and turned it into a food drive.  When we got there, people were lined up all throughout the food court - some waited nearly 3 hours to turn in their food and get their $20 gift card.  I don't know what we expected, but we definitely didn't expect this kind of turn out!  We worked our tails off all day to collect and package the food and ended up with an amazing 7 TONS of food!! WOW!  Thanks everyone!!  I am pretty sore today from all the heavy lifting, but it was such a fun event.  I always love to see people come together with their families and their community to do good.  Something about the collaborative effort and community involvement just makes Grand Rapids such an amazing place to be.  Enjoy some of the pics from the day!

A delayed "thank you".

A couple of months ago I talked about how I was nominated to be the Young Non Profit Professional of the Year.  Well... I am a little late in reporting this, but the awards ceremony was on October 15.  It was a fun event, with tons of young non profit professionals networking and mingling.  My award was presented last... which meant I had the opportunity to hear about 30 other wonderful young professionals who are dedicating their career to making a difference in the lives of hundreds and thousands of people in our community.  Sitting there listening to the awards, I was just overwhelmed with how blessed we are to have the ability to serve our country, county, city... and that Grand Rapids is such an amazing collaborative community.  I love it.  As I was listening to these bios of these other awesome young professionals I was thinking there was no way that I would be chosen to win.  These other people had been in the field years longer than I had and seemed to have their hands in so many good things in Grand Rapids.  When it came to present my award, I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I was not going to win... until they said my name.  I was SHOCKED.  I just feel so honored to be chosen for this award, because this is my first year working in a nonprofit and I have been working my tail off, but feel that I have so much yet to learn.  So... I am honored to be considered the Young Nonprofit of the Year!!  I am very excited, but when talking to the rest of the group - could not help but to recognize all of the amazing leaders we have in Grand Rapids.  I truly think it is a fabulous place to live and I think that ACCESS is an amazing place to work.  So - THANK YOU to those of you who believed that I had done enough to deserve this award.  I just hope that it will bring recognition to an organization that is truly seeking to be Gods hands and feet to our community.

As part of the nomination and award process, I was asked to describe why I am passionate about my organization.  I think it is only right for me to share that with you, because I do think that I work for a phenomenal organization with passionate and God-driven people.

Why are you passionate about your cause/organization?

The mission of ACCESS is to provide working solutions to hunger and poverty in Kent County.  ACCESS truly lives out this mission it is a privilege to be a part of their team.  I believe that the work that ACCESS does in Kent County truly makes our community a better place.      The mission of ACCESS is unique and truly valuable in making change happen.  Through our programs basic needs are met, people are fed, and lives are changed.  I think that for many people it is easy to forget that there are people have severe needs in our community, but ACCESS focuses on making sure that a person’s most basic needs are met so that they can live a full life.      ACCESS brings churches, organizations, and individuals together to meet the needs of those in Kent County in a profound way.  ACCESS knows that with a strong network, it is possible to meet needs so that NO ONE goes hungry in Kent County.  I truly believe this is possible!  ACCESS does this by educating people on the realities of poverty and teaching them how to respond through our Poverty Education Initiative.  I believe that the more people that collaborate in this initiative, the larger impact we can make in our community.  I think that Grand Rapids has an outstanding level of passion and collaboration for this cause and I love that my job involves inviting people to take part in what we are doing.    I am passionate about the work I do, because I know I am part of something that is greater than myself.  ACCESS is a faith-based organization, and the ACCESS staff believe that our work is called for by God.  I am partnered with an organization that sees need and finds ways to respond in faith.  Nothing excites me more than introducing a new person to the mission of ACCESS and seeing their eyes light up as they see the role they can play through collaboration to make a difference.  I believe that everyone has the ability to significantly influence the life of another.  I am honored to have a role where I can help provide opportunities for people to change our community.