Where I am.

Oh Lord my heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not raised to high for Thee
I do not think on things to great or marvelous
Or matters too difficult for me

But I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child is my soul within me
I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child with its mother is my soul within me

O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore
O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore

Psalm 131 - as done by Waterdeep.

I feel like this past week I was able to calm and quiet my soul.  (P.S. if you have not heard Waterdeep's song of that verse - look it up!)  But, like a wave as we come back home I am reminded of my sadness... of my loss and my desperation for God. 

Jordan and I had some good conversations this past week about our situation, our loss, and our hope.  At one point I asked him if he thought I'd ever get over this sadness I feel over our loss. If pregnancy will somehow erase it and I really don't know.  He continued to say that he thinks that sadness and/or happiness is a choice I make.  I understand what he was saying... he has chosen happiness and to be positive and to move on from this.  I think what he doesn't understand is that this is a choice that I haven't needed to make once, but over and over and over... so much so that it is exhausting.  I am faced with this struggle and the need to choose optimism over my sadness.  I wish I could just decide it once and be done with it, but I can't.  It comes back.  It is my struggle to face right now... and I just hope I can respond in a way that brings glory to God... even in those moments when I lose and don't have it in me to stop being sad.

On the other hand, I have come to embrace and somewhat love that this is our journey... right here, right now.  It is these days that are critical in forming who I will be on the other side of this struggle... who I will continue to be as a wife, as a future mother, as a friend, etc.  God has us here for a reason and I firmly believe that.  I am not going to say it isn't painful - if you read this at all, you know it is difficult... but it is my story and my struggle.  But God is the author of my life and I trust him.  I may never understand why, but I know there is a reason why.

Anyway... I am still waiting to ovulate - and I think I probably won't this cycle.  Either that or it will be another of those 60 day cycles.  I took a pregnancy test today just in case and it was a BFN.  I hadn't taken a pregnancy test since I was pregnant last... it was kind of weird, but at least I know if I get a BFP it will be a true one (not some weird left-over BFP from the miscarriage).  I am counting down the days until the end of July so I can call my doctor and schedule an appointment with him and get back on clomid.  I think considering how outrageously long this cycle is turning out to be, there is a good chance we'll go back on clomid.  I just hope that my body responds just as well.  I am still praying for a spring or early summer baby for 2011. 

Psalm 139:16
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Taking a break.

Yes you heard me... this next week is about me and Jordan and me and God... as much as I want to keep charting and checking OPK's and trying, I feel on the verge of it just consuming me right now - and I need to put a stop to it.  So, for this next week I am going away.  No internet, no charting, no OPK's... just taking a break.

I am so excited for this opportunity to get away.  I fully intend on taking this time to focus on Jordan and I and our relationship... but even more so to evaluate where I am at spiritually and just re-focus myself.  This whole experience has challenged me spiritually and emotionally more than anything... I sometimes feel like to address my doubts and challenges means just falling apart.  I am afraid and insecure.  I didn't used to be, but today I feel that I am.  I am no longer naive.  I need to take this week to just empty myself of my expectations, my plans... and ask God to fill me.  I don't know what this looks like right now, but I know it needs to happen.

On Sunday, or worship leader challenged us: What is so "big" in your life that the pinky of God cannot reach out and touch and change??

I realize I have doubted God's power.  I have to keep being reminded that he is more powerful than science, than my fears and doubts.  There are strongholds in my life I need to let go of - and fear is one of them.

In response to the question above I wrote: Answer: nothing.  Now I just need to believe it.

I have been challenged for the past many months by the people at our church really pressing the importance of discipleship and walking with people to be encouraged and challenged spiritually.  This is something I have felt is lacking in my life.  I don't really know what to do about it... I have plenty of Christian friends, but very rarely do we really talk spiritual stuff.  And it can't be because we're all just okay and doing great... because I feel like that is impossible... either that or I am just more of a mess than I realize. :-)  But... I just feel like that needs to change in my life.  I don't know what that means or what that looks like, but this week I plan on praying hard about that... praying for people to truly walk with.  To meet and pray and fellowship and gain wisdom and advice from.  I don't know who those people are, but I know God created me for relationships and for raw transparency in those relationships.  I think we have all had the walls up for too long.

As they said in church on Sunday:

There are no "free" relationships.  There are either followers in Christ who need encouragement, or people who need to know Christ. 

 God... break me and use me for your glory.  Empty me and fill me with you.  Break down my walls, my barriers, my pride that keeps me from meeting you - and show me your will for me life. 

Too good to be true.

I guess I spoke to soon.  I think this month is going to be anovulatory.  I keep getting positive OPK's (like WAY more than I should...) but no temp change.  So it seems that my body is trying to gear up to O, but it just isn't happening.  My temps are WAY too low for post-O.  So... just waiting agian.  Hopefully I do O eventually, but I have a feeling I won't this time.  I've never had an anovulatory cycle (just late O), but I've heard it is very common after a miscarriage.  At least I only have 5 more weeks to wait and then my Dr. will prescribe clomid.  I'm going to contact him in a month if I don't have AF... or if I know I am not pregnant by then.  It is so frustrating!!

It is hard to believe that this week marks one month since my miscarriage.  This past month has been one of the most challenging and difficult times of my life.  It is still a roller-coaster and I just can't wait til it is all over.  I think one of the most difficult things is just not knowing when this journey is going to end.  I know I am forever changed by this experience.  I have needed to learn a whole different way of trusting God and I know that it has stretched me more than I ever could have been otherwise.  I have been struggling lately with just growing bitterness and jealousy.  I really HATE feeling this way, but it has been a serious struggle.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends, but if I am being truly honest, it has been difficult for me to see them go through an entire pregnancy and me still not be pregnant.  I have these feelings that it should be me... that I should be going through that with them, but I'm not... and so now here is an entire area of our lives that I can't relate to.  It is something so joyful and exciting for them, while at the same time is the very source of my greatest pain.  Most of the time I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't know how to just be happy and separate my situation from theirs.  Because we have gone through everything else together.  The thing is... I truly truly am excited for them... my emotions just aren't always there.  And I just have to say that I am sorry for that... and I do love you all.  And I hope you understand. 

So there is that struggle... along with fear and just feeling like the world is completely unfair.  At the same time, I experience waves of God's faithfulness and peace and love.  And I know that he is for me and he will take care of me.  But I still doubt... I wish I could emotionally FEEL what I know my head believes.  But that is my struggle.  I KNOW God loves me, he is for me, he will take care of me, he died FOR ME... but emotionally, I doubt and fear and get angry.  I find I need to constantly be turning back to God to keep my head on straight.  It is hard.  It is not fun... but I do trust (in my heart) that God will use this for his glory.

Anyway... I feel that I should share some thoughts and questions/challenges from my devotional times the past week.  Maybe someone can take this and find some nuggets of truth or just something to relate to.  It has been impressed on me how important it is to be transparent, raw, share life together, and share in our struggles to support each other. :-)  No facade, no walls, no fear... nothing but truth and love.  Imagine if we all lived this way!  What a challenge.

What does it mean to freely give of myself?

What does it mean to be transparent and KNOWN?

How do I make this happen in my relationships?

Raw, real, genuine, loving, and giving of myself.

Freely - without walls, bitterness, fear, contention.

GOD... break down these walls.  Protect me from bitterness.  Give me the courage to do what you ask.  Empty me - and fill me with you.  Your plan, your love, your hope.

Waiting again.

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been.  Next week Jordan and I leave for vacation... going to my Aunt and Uncle's cottage for a week... with no plans, no agenda, nothing.  WE SOOO NEED THIS.  I can't wait!!

I am also pretty sure I ovulated yesterday.  I was surprised to O this early... CD25 (or CD19 if you count from when I actually miscarried instead of started bleeding).  I am not on clomid right now and I am SHOCKED that I O'd this early on my own.  I hope it means that my body has decided to become somewhat regular.

Anyway... all that to say that we could use your prayers!!  I'd love it if we got pregnant right away... of course all I really want is a healthy baby.  I have decided that I am not going to test until after we get back from vacation, which will put me at 15 or 16dpo and I would certainly be able to get a positive test then... or I just won't test because AF will come and I will have my answer.

I am just praying for a spring baby... if we conceive this cycle that would make us due in March.  March-June would be okay with me... of course, again, these are my plans... and I just need to let it go, but I think having a time frame that I can be patient with helps me in the meantime... it helps me if I don't get pregnant this cycle to know that I can be okay with that and I still have 2-3 more months.  Of course it won't replace my January baby... nothing will.  But I am clinging to some hope. 

Thanks for your prayers!!  Praying for our March baby. :-)

Excuses.

When you know that you should do something and you do it, immediately you know more. Examine where you have become sluggish, where you began losing interest spiritually, and you will find that it goes back to a point where you did not do something you knew you should do. You did not do it because there seemed to be no immediate call to do it. But now you have no insight or discernment, and at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self-controlled. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to continue learning and knowing more. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

I feel like this is the story of my life right now.  Let's be honest... I have been lacking discipline in a big way.  I find excuses, but in reality I have been spiritually lazy.  There are the things I know I SHOULD do... like read my bible daily, even just a few verses... but I don't.  I don't pray like I should.  I don't take the time every day to center myself spiritually and put my focus on God.  And I have totally felt the repercussions.  I am spiritually distracted. 

For example... this struggle with getting pregnant and my miscarriage.  It is a completely devastating thing, but in reality I have a choice how I am going to respond.  I can seek God, or I can hide from him.  I can chose trust or I can chose fear.  And I have to admit, there are definitely moments when I find myself drowning in fear and not even wanting to face God.  I think to a degree that is fine.  I mean, God never asked me to put on a facade and act like I am okay and I am happy when I am not.  It is perfectly fine for me to be angry and to wrestle over this with God.  It is okay for me to question and express my doubt.  But... in all of that, I need to continue to draw near to God and bring ALL of this to him.  I need to trust despite my doubt and fear. 

This has been a real struggle and journey for me.  I have never had to seriously struggle with anything like this before.  I have never had something shake my trust so bad as this infertility and miscarriage journey, and it is difficult to not feel entitled to a certain type of behavior or outlook.  But now I am at the point where I see something I need to do... and I must do it.  I must change my behavior and in turn I will gain faith and hope. 

Some truths spoken to my heart.

God is bigger and stronger.

The creator of life - more powerful than science.

He does nothing out of vain, but has a purpose for me and a reason for my pain.

He is the King of all and nothing can separate me from his love.

He doesn't change - even when I do.  He doesn't stop loving or caring when I can't even utter a prayer.  He still loves.  And he waits.  He covers me in my lack of faith.

He KNOWS.  Just like I lost a child, so did he - in a much more brutal fashion - and intentionally FOR ME.

This is the small slice of hope and faith I cling to today.

Textbook Miscarriage.

Apparently I had a "textbook" miscarriage.  I have been hearing this a lot from this doctor.  I had "textbook" BBT charts ("beautiful" actually)... but charts that for 10 months showed no pregnancy.  I met with him for my post-miscarriage appointment and today was told I have a "textbook" miscarriage.  I told him all that has happened this week... no more bleeding, passing of everything, etc... and find out that the results from my Tuesday blood work showed my hCG at 14.  That is a drop of over 600 in a week.  This level wouldn't even show up on a pregnancy test anymore.  Chances are, by the weekend it will most definitely be back to zero.  This is a good thing... hopefully my body will be "texbook" in getting back on track.

One of the main things that has been keeping me moving forward is the desire to not give up and keep trying.  I asked my doctor today when we can start trying and he said after a couple of cycles.  His reasoning is that after miscarriage the lining of your uterus is possibly not as strong as they would like.  On the other hand, he said if we happened to get pregnant many people have successful pregnancies right after miscarriage and odds are it would be fine.  There is just a slightly higher chance of another miscarriage.  I don't know what to do.  I do NOT want to have another miscarriage, and therefore put us back again.  On the other hand, I don't want to waste any time either!  I know I should probably listen to my doctor, but I have heard of many women who have gotten pregnant right after miscarriages that went on to have successful pregnancies... my hopes are that this is my story.  I may do a happy compromise and wait for AF to come and then start trying again.  I hate to lose a month, but I am scared of miscarrying again.  The good news is, if I am not back to normal by August, he said he would like to see me again and we can go on clomid again.  If I am not pregnant by August, this is my plan. 

Another crazy thing... it almost seems like our office has a curse on it.  A co-worker of mine was pregnant with twins due in December, and literally days after I miscarried, she also lost her babies.  It is horrible.  She was 12 weeks along and thinking she was in the clear.  Just another example of how we have absolutely no control.  It has been good to talk with her, though, and share our experiences as we go through this tragedy together.  I feel for her and her husband... especially being as far along as she was.  Actually - come to think of it, her doctor told her to wait one cycle before trying again... it seems to me that different doctors just have differing opinions without any concrete reason WHY to wait.  So... I think I'll wait for one cycle and then try again.  This would give us an April baby (hopefully)... so - as you pray, pray that next Spring we would have a little bundle of joy in our arms.

Moving forward.

The month of May is over... I cannot tell you how glad I am that it is June.  May was the most difficult month of my life - a whilwind and I feel like it is almost unbelievable that it all happened to us.  This kind of stuff happens to other people - not us!  It has been hard to know how to respond.  It is weird to be the one receiving the sympathies, etc... I have just never been in this position before, but I am so so SO very thankful for everyone who has kept us in your prayers. 

This weekend turned out to be much much better than I thought.  After a horrible week, Friday was a really difficult day for me and I just felt like all the grieving caught up with me and overwhelmed me.  I almost made the decision to stay home and skip my brother-in-law's graduation ceremony.  But, I decided to go and I am thankful that I did.  As much as I didn't want to be around people, I felt good to be able to support my brother-in-law that way... and I know it would have been much much worse had I decided to spend 2 more days alone instead of being lifted up by people who love us. 

I also have the best friends ever.  On Saturday night they all came over to just spend time with Jordan and I and love on us.  They brought us dinner and as much as I thought I wanted to be alone, it has been so good to just be with people who let me talk if I want to talk, or just sit quietly if I want to sit quietly.  It has meant so much to have people who are just willing to grieve with us.

Today has been the first day I've been able to talk about the miscarriage with people and not break down in tears.  I think it is because I am finally feeling like I am physically (mostly) over it.  The bleeding has finally mostly stopped and my temperature has returned to a normal pre-pregnancy/pre-ovulation range.  I bought some OPK's yesterday and am going to continue charting and temping so we can get back on the wagon of trying right away.  I had another blood draw this morning to see if my hCG is at zero yet and have another appt with my doctor on Thursday.  I am so hopeful that this is over.  I just want to move forward.  Sometimes I am terrified of trying... all the "What if's" that creep back into my mind... but I truly am hopeful.  I know we will have children.  I don't know when that will be or how that will be, but I know that God doesn't do anything in vain or without reason.  So, I have to cling to that hope, knowing that if I don't I could possibly drown in fear.  And that is no way to live.

I have many friends that are pregnant and due in the next month to 6 months.  I am so excited to meet all of these little bundles of joy and I want each of you to know that.  My sadness of not being able to get pregnant has nothing to do with the fact that you did easily.  I am glad you never had to go through what I am going through right now.  My biggest sadness relating to this is the fact that I fear our kids will be too far apart in age to be friends... I know that is not a truly valid fear, but I need all of you to know that I love you and I cannot wait to meet all of your little babies when they are ready to meet the world.