Where I am.

Oh Lord my heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not raised to high for Thee
I do not think on things to great or marvelous
Or matters too difficult for me

But I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child is my soul within me
I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child with its mother is my soul within me

O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore
O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore

Psalm 131 - as done by Waterdeep.

I feel like this past week I was able to calm and quiet my soul.  (P.S. if you have not heard Waterdeep's song of that verse - look it up!)  But, like a wave as we come back home I am reminded of my sadness... of my loss and my desperation for God. 

Jordan and I had some good conversations this past week about our situation, our loss, and our hope.  At one point I asked him if he thought I'd ever get over this sadness I feel over our loss. If pregnancy will somehow erase it and I really don't know.  He continued to say that he thinks that sadness and/or happiness is a choice I make.  I understand what he was saying... he has chosen happiness and to be positive and to move on from this.  I think what he doesn't understand is that this is a choice that I haven't needed to make once, but over and over and over... so much so that it is exhausting.  I am faced with this struggle and the need to choose optimism over my sadness.  I wish I could just decide it once and be done with it, but I can't.  It comes back.  It is my struggle to face right now... and I just hope I can respond in a way that brings glory to God... even in those moments when I lose and don't have it in me to stop being sad.

On the other hand, I have come to embrace and somewhat love that this is our journey... right here, right now.  It is these days that are critical in forming who I will be on the other side of this struggle... who I will continue to be as a wife, as a future mother, as a friend, etc.  God has us here for a reason and I firmly believe that.  I am not going to say it isn't painful - if you read this at all, you know it is difficult... but it is my story and my struggle.  But God is the author of my life and I trust him.  I may never understand why, but I know there is a reason why.

Anyway... I am still waiting to ovulate - and I think I probably won't this cycle.  Either that or it will be another of those 60 day cycles.  I took a pregnancy test today just in case and it was a BFN.  I hadn't taken a pregnancy test since I was pregnant last... it was kind of weird, but at least I know if I get a BFP it will be a true one (not some weird left-over BFP from the miscarriage).  I am counting down the days until the end of July so I can call my doctor and schedule an appointment with him and get back on clomid.  I think considering how outrageously long this cycle is turning out to be, there is a good chance we'll go back on clomid.  I just hope that my body responds just as well.  I am still praying for a spring or early summer baby for 2011. 

Psalm 139:16
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.