Excuses.

When you know that you should do something and you do it, immediately you know more. Examine where you have become sluggish, where you began losing interest spiritually, and you will find that it goes back to a point where you did not do something you knew you should do. You did not do it because there seemed to be no immediate call to do it. But now you have no insight or discernment, and at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self-controlled. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to continue learning and knowing more. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

I feel like this is the story of my life right now.  Let's be honest... I have been lacking discipline in a big way.  I find excuses, but in reality I have been spiritually lazy.  There are the things I know I SHOULD do... like read my bible daily, even just a few verses... but I don't.  I don't pray like I should.  I don't take the time every day to center myself spiritually and put my focus on God.  And I have totally felt the repercussions.  I am spiritually distracted. 

For example... this struggle with getting pregnant and my miscarriage.  It is a completely devastating thing, but in reality I have a choice how I am going to respond.  I can seek God, or I can hide from him.  I can chose trust or I can chose fear.  And I have to admit, there are definitely moments when I find myself drowning in fear and not even wanting to face God.  I think to a degree that is fine.  I mean, God never asked me to put on a facade and act like I am okay and I am happy when I am not.  It is perfectly fine for me to be angry and to wrestle over this with God.  It is okay for me to question and express my doubt.  But... in all of that, I need to continue to draw near to God and bring ALL of this to him.  I need to trust despite my doubt and fear. 

This has been a real struggle and journey for me.  I have never had to seriously struggle with anything like this before.  I have never had something shake my trust so bad as this infertility and miscarriage journey, and it is difficult to not feel entitled to a certain type of behavior or outlook.  But now I am at the point where I see something I need to do... and I must do it.  I must change my behavior and in turn I will gain faith and hope.