Where I am.

Oh Lord my heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not raised to high for Thee
I do not think on things to great or marvelous
Or matters too difficult for me

But I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child is my soul within me
I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child with its mother is my soul within me

O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore
O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore

Psalm 131 - as done by Waterdeep.

I feel like this past week I was able to calm and quiet my soul.  (P.S. if you have not heard Waterdeep's song of that verse - look it up!)  But, like a wave as we come back home I am reminded of my sadness... of my loss and my desperation for God. 

Jordan and I had some good conversations this past week about our situation, our loss, and our hope.  At one point I asked him if he thought I'd ever get over this sadness I feel over our loss. If pregnancy will somehow erase it and I really don't know.  He continued to say that he thinks that sadness and/or happiness is a choice I make.  I understand what he was saying... he has chosen happiness and to be positive and to move on from this.  I think what he doesn't understand is that this is a choice that I haven't needed to make once, but over and over and over... so much so that it is exhausting.  I am faced with this struggle and the need to choose optimism over my sadness.  I wish I could just decide it once and be done with it, but I can't.  It comes back.  It is my struggle to face right now... and I just hope I can respond in a way that brings glory to God... even in those moments when I lose and don't have it in me to stop being sad.

On the other hand, I have come to embrace and somewhat love that this is our journey... right here, right now.  It is these days that are critical in forming who I will be on the other side of this struggle... who I will continue to be as a wife, as a future mother, as a friend, etc.  God has us here for a reason and I firmly believe that.  I am not going to say it isn't painful - if you read this at all, you know it is difficult... but it is my story and my struggle.  But God is the author of my life and I trust him.  I may never understand why, but I know there is a reason why.

Anyway... I am still waiting to ovulate - and I think I probably won't this cycle.  Either that or it will be another of those 60 day cycles.  I took a pregnancy test today just in case and it was a BFN.  I hadn't taken a pregnancy test since I was pregnant last... it was kind of weird, but at least I know if I get a BFP it will be a true one (not some weird left-over BFP from the miscarriage).  I am counting down the days until the end of July so I can call my doctor and schedule an appointment with him and get back on clomid.  I think considering how outrageously long this cycle is turning out to be, there is a good chance we'll go back on clomid.  I just hope that my body responds just as well.  I am still praying for a spring or early summer baby for 2011. 

Psalm 139:16
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Taking a break.

Yes you heard me... this next week is about me and Jordan and me and God... as much as I want to keep charting and checking OPK's and trying, I feel on the verge of it just consuming me right now - and I need to put a stop to it.  So, for this next week I am going away.  No internet, no charting, no OPK's... just taking a break.

I am so excited for this opportunity to get away.  I fully intend on taking this time to focus on Jordan and I and our relationship... but even more so to evaluate where I am at spiritually and just re-focus myself.  This whole experience has challenged me spiritually and emotionally more than anything... I sometimes feel like to address my doubts and challenges means just falling apart.  I am afraid and insecure.  I didn't used to be, but today I feel that I am.  I am no longer naive.  I need to take this week to just empty myself of my expectations, my plans... and ask God to fill me.  I don't know what this looks like right now, but I know it needs to happen.

On Sunday, or worship leader challenged us: What is so "big" in your life that the pinky of God cannot reach out and touch and change??

I realize I have doubted God's power.  I have to keep being reminded that he is more powerful than science, than my fears and doubts.  There are strongholds in my life I need to let go of - and fear is one of them.

In response to the question above I wrote: Answer: nothing.  Now I just need to believe it.

I have been challenged for the past many months by the people at our church really pressing the importance of discipleship and walking with people to be encouraged and challenged spiritually.  This is something I have felt is lacking in my life.  I don't really know what to do about it... I have plenty of Christian friends, but very rarely do we really talk spiritual stuff.  And it can't be because we're all just okay and doing great... because I feel like that is impossible... either that or I am just more of a mess than I realize. :-)  But... I just feel like that needs to change in my life.  I don't know what that means or what that looks like, but this week I plan on praying hard about that... praying for people to truly walk with.  To meet and pray and fellowship and gain wisdom and advice from.  I don't know who those people are, but I know God created me for relationships and for raw transparency in those relationships.  I think we have all had the walls up for too long.

As they said in church on Sunday:

There are no "free" relationships.  There are either followers in Christ who need encouragement, or people who need to know Christ. 

 God... break me and use me for your glory.  Empty me and fill me with you.  Break down my walls, my barriers, my pride that keeps me from meeting you - and show me your will for me life. 

Too good to be true.

I guess I spoke to soon.  I think this month is going to be anovulatory.  I keep getting positive OPK's (like WAY more than I should...) but no temp change.  So it seems that my body is trying to gear up to O, but it just isn't happening.  My temps are WAY too low for post-O.  So... just waiting agian.  Hopefully I do O eventually, but I have a feeling I won't this time.  I've never had an anovulatory cycle (just late O), but I've heard it is very common after a miscarriage.  At least I only have 5 more weeks to wait and then my Dr. will prescribe clomid.  I'm going to contact him in a month if I don't have AF... or if I know I am not pregnant by then.  It is so frustrating!!

It is hard to believe that this week marks one month since my miscarriage.  This past month has been one of the most challenging and difficult times of my life.  It is still a roller-coaster and I just can't wait til it is all over.  I think one of the most difficult things is just not knowing when this journey is going to end.  I know I am forever changed by this experience.  I have needed to learn a whole different way of trusting God and I know that it has stretched me more than I ever could have been otherwise.  I have been struggling lately with just growing bitterness and jealousy.  I really HATE feeling this way, but it has been a serious struggle.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends, but if I am being truly honest, it has been difficult for me to see them go through an entire pregnancy and me still not be pregnant.  I have these feelings that it should be me... that I should be going through that with them, but I'm not... and so now here is an entire area of our lives that I can't relate to.  It is something so joyful and exciting for them, while at the same time is the very source of my greatest pain.  Most of the time I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't know how to just be happy and separate my situation from theirs.  Because we have gone through everything else together.  The thing is... I truly truly am excited for them... my emotions just aren't always there.  And I just have to say that I am sorry for that... and I do love you all.  And I hope you understand. 

So there is that struggle... along with fear and just feeling like the world is completely unfair.  At the same time, I experience waves of God's faithfulness and peace and love.  And I know that he is for me and he will take care of me.  But I still doubt... I wish I could emotionally FEEL what I know my head believes.  But that is my struggle.  I KNOW God loves me, he is for me, he will take care of me, he died FOR ME... but emotionally, I doubt and fear and get angry.  I find I need to constantly be turning back to God to keep my head on straight.  It is hard.  It is not fun... but I do trust (in my heart) that God will use this for his glory.

Anyway... I feel that I should share some thoughts and questions/challenges from my devotional times the past week.  Maybe someone can take this and find some nuggets of truth or just something to relate to.  It has been impressed on me how important it is to be transparent, raw, share life together, and share in our struggles to support each other. :-)  No facade, no walls, no fear... nothing but truth and love.  Imagine if we all lived this way!  What a challenge.

What does it mean to freely give of myself?

What does it mean to be transparent and KNOWN?

How do I make this happen in my relationships?

Raw, real, genuine, loving, and giving of myself.

Freely - without walls, bitterness, fear, contention.

GOD... break down these walls.  Protect me from bitterness.  Give me the courage to do what you ask.  Empty me - and fill me with you.  Your plan, your love, your hope.

Waiting again.

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been.  Next week Jordan and I leave for vacation... going to my Aunt and Uncle's cottage for a week... with no plans, no agenda, nothing.  WE SOOO NEED THIS.  I can't wait!!

I am also pretty sure I ovulated yesterday.  I was surprised to O this early... CD25 (or CD19 if you count from when I actually miscarried instead of started bleeding).  I am not on clomid right now and I am SHOCKED that I O'd this early on my own.  I hope it means that my body has decided to become somewhat regular.

Anyway... all that to say that we could use your prayers!!  I'd love it if we got pregnant right away... of course all I really want is a healthy baby.  I have decided that I am not going to test until after we get back from vacation, which will put me at 15 or 16dpo and I would certainly be able to get a positive test then... or I just won't test because AF will come and I will have my answer.

I am just praying for a spring baby... if we conceive this cycle that would make us due in March.  March-June would be okay with me... of course, again, these are my plans... and I just need to let it go, but I think having a time frame that I can be patient with helps me in the meantime... it helps me if I don't get pregnant this cycle to know that I can be okay with that and I still have 2-3 more months.  Of course it won't replace my January baby... nothing will.  But I am clinging to some hope. 

Thanks for your prayers!!  Praying for our March baby. :-)