removing the bowls.

Seasons of new truth and growth are wonderful and exhausting.

I'm learning loads about myself, but even more about the grace that covers all.  And so I want to know more about this grace and this love demanding a Savior.  I no longer want to depend on what I've been told second-hand my whole life.  A season of eating the real Word is good and needed.

But with it comes responsibility.  I can't read truth and act as if I haven't.  I can't have heart change without life change.  It just doesn't work.

Weeks and weeks ago I read Matthew 5.  Not for the first or even tenth time.  Who knows how many times I have read that we are the light of the world and to place my light on a stand instead of under a bowl (or basket, depending what version you read).

And in my overly-deep and analytic mind, this seemingly simple verse goes on a spiral.

I think in the past I have read this and thought I needed to go out and figure out where my light was.  Instead of realizing that I am the light.  Him in me is the light.  Right where I am.  In my day to day without even leaving my home.  I shine for my kids.  I shine for my friends.  I shine for husband.  Christ in me.

But in this season, I'm looking to identify the bowls I've placed in my life.  The friendships where I have shied away from speaking truth.  Even the attitudes where I choose self over Christ.  The moments where I can shine and serve, but it's easier and more tempting to complain and choose entitlement.

Sometimes my mind is exhausting.  Sometimes recognizing the bowls is exhausting.  And keeping them off is harder work than putting it on.

I think I like to hide under bowls in some areas of my life.  Two stand out in particular to me.

I think I like to put bowls on my blog.  There was a time last fall where I felt the tug to write more.  Share more of my heart.  Be real, truthful, honest.  Encourage, through my mess.  Not for the purpose of just airing my junk, but to seek Christ in the middle of it.

But, multiple times since then, I've been tempted to believe the lies.  That it doesn't matter.  That maybe I'm being too bold or in-your-face or offensive.  That I should back off the Jesus talk.  That nobody cares about that.  That is the bowl of insecurity in my calling here.  And the lies of the Devil.  As dumb as I feel sometimes about taking this little blog seriously, I really do.  But that's not to say I don't feel the risk of putting myself out there like I sometimes do.  I definitely feel that risk.  I pray against this insecurity all the time, but it is there.  Wondering who is reading.  Wondering what they think.

But ultimately, I know that those thoughts aren't from Christ.  Simply, they aren't.  So I keep walking and keep writing and remove that bowl.

I also like to put bowls on my hospitality.  Welcoming people into my home is not a natural gift I have.  It's another area of insecurity for me.  Many many times after I have friends over, I kick myself for not offering the water or coffee sooner.  For not asking more questions about them.  For not being more welcoming.  My natural introvert tendencies are to stay home and keep to myself.  Especially when it comes to inviting people over that I don't know.  But I also have a desperate need for community (I think us ladies were created that way).  Sharing my heart and sharing life with other women.  So I have to talk myself up and remove that bowl telling me I'm a bad hostess and invite the people over and share life in my imperfectness.  I share life with my messy sink and dog hair in all corners and my bedroom door closed, because that's where the mess all hides.  I am making it a priority to open my home, as uncomfortable as that can be for me.  Because sharing meals and sharing life lets the light shine.  It's so much harder to shine through the closed doors.

These bowls of insecurity prevent me from sharing life.  Sharing the light.  Sharing what I'm learning about Christ.  Sharing that I'm imperfect but have found grace.

What bowls do you need to remove to let your light shine?  

when I realize I had it all backwards

We met on Monday morning like we do.  Braving the winter weather and sub-freezing chill, ready to pass off the kiddos to the sitters and quickly preparing our hearts to dig deep and do so quickly.  Two hours can fly by before you know it.

We're trying to be more like David.  The sinful human man who understood God's heart.  Desperate for God.

And the question was asked.  Do you live in need of God?  What does this realistically look like in your life?

And my thought progression goes, well, yeah.  I need God.  I know I need Him.  In my mind, I know I need Him.  But in my life, I act like I need coffee and sleep and people and facebook {shamefully} more.

I remember when I was a new mom.  Into this motherhood gig only a few months, and I cried out asking Mom's how they make the time for everything they need.

The advice was what good for me in that season.  That season where I was adjusting to my new all-consuming role ridden with guilt for not doing-it-all.  They told me to be easy on myself.  That if I don't read my Bible every day and don't do all-the-things that it is okay and that God knows my heart.

And really, that is truth.  It's not about doing all the things.  It is about my heart.  And the message of grace.  Because He never asks us to have it all together first anyway.

But I took that as somewhat of an excuse to be lazy about it.  To not need God, and to start living out of myself.  To not wake up early and read, because I had reasons not to.  To not take the time to be still before Him, because I didn't hardly find time to shower.  Of course, these things never happen intentionally.  But it is just our natural selves that start to show when we lose focus.

A year or so later, I am realizing that I had it all backwards.

I need Him in order to do any good in this motherhood/wife/friend gig.  I need Him first.  I don't need to be a mother or a wife or a friend first.  I need Him to fill me first so the rest can follow. 

For me, that does mean I need to make this a priority.  It means I am reading.  It means I am finding ways to meet with the Lord even when I'm run into the ground exhausted.  David did.  As messed up as he was, he was one of the few people in the Bible who got it.

Isn't it funny how the same lesson learned over and over and over can have new truth in the different seasons?  Of course I had learned before that I need God.  But this truth is taking a new and deeper meaning in my heart.  Or maybe I am just more receptive.  I recently read it best, when said I must narrow my life until Jesus becomes everything.  A difficult, but totally freeing process.  As this happens, all the rest seems so trivial.

In whatever case, this new truth and conviction requires action.  Confession and moving forward, toward Christ.

And so I keep on walking.

 

approaching as a student

I feel like every other post I write begins with me talking about my sick kids.  Yet, here we are.

We missed church once again this week due to Jude waking up with a red, gunky, swollen eye.  There was no questioning that the very-contagious-and-gross-looking pink eye had gotten him and we promptly took him to urgent care to get treated.

I then proceeded to go to the grocery store to purchase loads of hand sanitizer and Lysol to hopefully prevent anyone else (especially the littlest one) from succumbing to the pink, gooey, eye.

So, I had church at home.  I spent the morning in Genesis reading about the trials Jacob and Laban.  Only a week in, but I am really enjoying this Bible in six months plan.

I think I have a different perspective this time that is making all the difference.

That, and an amazing accountability partner (hey hubby).

This time, I'm reading through the Bible quickly, without much time to chew on the details.  This isn't honestly my favorite way to read, which is why I feel it is necessary (because there is much I haven't read in a very long time).  Also, this is why I chose to make the commitment short and breeze through it in 6 months.  I'd love to get back to the slow reading sooner than later.  But, I have so often read the Bible with a consumer mentality.  What can I get out of this?  How does this apply to me?  What is God trying to tell me through this?

Which is good.

But.

In this quicker-than-I'd-like pace, I'm seeking to approach scripture with the purpose of knowing God and increasing my knowledge in a way I haven't before.  Who is he across all time?  What is the big picture and how does it point toward Christ?  What does this reveal about God's character?

The words aren't different, but for me it's a mental shift.  And a bit of a heart-shift as I ask God to reveal HIM to me more than before.  I'm approaching more as a student.  Less of someone looking for some inspiration.  I do think that both have their seasons.

Because, here's the thing.  I really do think that it all starts with knowing God in a big way.  I have spent so much time getting to know Jesus in the New Testament without understanding in full how the stories of the Old Testament pointed toward Him all along.  I was missing out on a ton of power and truth by approaching it in that way.

I'm excited to know more about that power.  That power that now lives in me.  That power that I pray will become the overflow of my life.

I'm excited, friends!  What season of studying are you in right now?  

off the page.

It's finally here.

To me, nothing says, 'tis the season better than Bing Crosby singing White Christmas while decorating the Christmas tree.  A tradition I've carried from the time I was a little girl.  I love me some Mariah Carey Christmas, but still, those crooners blow her out of the water to get me in the spirit.

As we got the tree up, Jude sat in my lap saying, "No no!", because trees belong outside, of course.  And a boy who likes everything in it's proper place was not sure of this new addition to our living room.  He actually seemed somewhat afraid of it at first, but now he just runs over to it shouting, "Ball! Ball! Ball!".  And we tell him once again, that these balls are not for touching.  

I'm going to get off the page.

One thing I feel that I must confess here.  I can tend to be opinionated and stubborn.  I sometimes speak (and write) before I think.  And I sometimes hold too tightly to my own rightness as if it were gospel truth.  But it's not.  

I fear that there has been a time or two when I have expressed opinions here that have acted as a noose for those who don't share my own convictions.  I do not want this place to be that.  I'm about truth, not my own rightness.  I'm about encouragement, not condemnation or criticism.  And I'm about sharing, but only for the purposes above, not to offend.  

I respect and love the different families.  The different walks.  The different experiences.  The different traditions.  But we aren't to hold our life against each other's.  We hold it up to the word of God.  That must be our lens.  I am convicted and encouraged today to take and pursue what is mine, and to not look to the right or the left, but at Him alone.  

So, I must confess that sometimes even though I'm not looking to the right or left, I'm looking too often at myself.  My bubble.  My rightness.  And while this is MY blog, and I do write as an outlet, I also write for you.  To share life with you.  To encourage you.  To share truth that I am learning and working through, with you.  And I am sorry for the times that I haven't done that.  In life and on here.

So, there you have it.  The yuck of being a sinful human.

In the next couple of weeks I want to outline a true mission statement for my blog.  Because I want to be about more than me here.  There will still be a whole lot of me and my family, but I have a heart and vision and goals for this little space of internet.  So... stay tuned. ;-)

And now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.

*linking up with Carissa for Miscellany Monday.

Feast on truth.

Feast on truth, my friends.  

...

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased. - C.S. Lewis

...

The Lord is God the entire time.

I cannot help but to write about this controversial topic.  My heart is heavy, praying for the unborn of this world.  

Perhaps it is my current state... mother of an "unborn" myself.  

Two days ago I hear of a friend who was pregnant, due a month after me, who has lost her son due to an issue with the cord.  My heart aches for her.  It is devastating.  And we often wonder Why God???  But I am inspired by her faith... and I've been in prayer constantly for her.

Then, yesterday, I am reading in Psalm 22 and come across this verse, spoken to my heart.

This verse spoke to me instantly.  We are planning for Jude's dedication this weekend {I know... a bit late... but it is happening} and I knew that I wanted this verse read.  This is my prayer for my children.  From the time even before their birth, that they would know the Lord as their God.

This is my prayer for my friend as well... that she would be comforted in this truth.  God brought her son out of the womb... the Lord is her son's God and he will see God's beautiful face before any other.  

And then... there is an article circulating Facebook right now.  Perhaps you've seen it.

Killing babies no different from abortion, experts say.

At first I thought, this cannot be true.  People cannot possibly even entertain the thought that killing newborns is an option.  But then I got thinking.  I agree with this author.  I agree that there is a life inside of me, with a soul, a personality, a name.  That life has been there since the first moments his cells started dividing.  To stop that process is, well, murder.  No different from killing a newborn.

I know this is a controversial topic.  I have friends who are very pro-choice, and believe that there is nothing wrong with abortion.  We disagree on when life truly begins.  I have friends who I know have had abortions themselves, and have experienced God's grace since then {Praise the Lord!!}.  Many will challenge me, judge me, disagree with me on this stance.  But I truly don't care.  Because I know the truth.

But, my heart is still heavy.  There is an absolute truth.  The truth that the Lord places children in their mother's wombs for a reason.  The Lord designates the time that they are to be brought out.  

And the Lord is God the entire time.  

So, join me today in praying for all of the children in this world.  The  unborn.  The unexpected.  The unwanted.  The unloved.  

And also those who have been born and none would argue are living life,  but are still unwanted and unloved.  God has a tremendous heart for the orphan.  And I know that many of the unborn are already orphans... some never experience love from the moment of their conception.

In any case, let the truth remain clear.  From the time a child is in the mother's womb, the Lord is God.  They have a soul.  The Lord is God the entire time.  

*steps off soapbox and falls onto knees*

My beautiful unborn son.