I haven't been writing lately. But it isn't for boredom or lack of things to share. The truth is I feel overwhelmed much of the time. The feeling comes in waves. Sometimes I get waves of encouragement and feel like "I can do this"... but much of the time all of my responsibilities are heavy on my shoulders. Sometimes when I feel like that - I feel like I can't do much of anything and I lose all motivation.
It is my responsibilities as a mother, a wife, an employee. I've written a lot about working from home and its difficulty. I know some women do it well and PROPS to them. It is tough for me. In fact I'm going to be honest and say I don't like it at all. When I am home with my boy I long to be 100% present with my only need being to focus on him. However - I cannot afford to have a sitter watch my son as much as I would want to be in the office. Nor do I like the idea of being away from him more. I love my job and feel good when I am in the office. I want to keep working and I feel there must be a solution. But I feel stuck. I am praying for clarity and answers. Or at least peace in the fact that I don't have to "have it all together".
Some of this frustration also comes with just being home so much too. I want to be on top of my housework. It is where I spend most of my time after all. If I let it go it haunts me. That pile of laundry or dirty dishes or cat hair on the floor {yuck}. But I find myself during Jude's nap times debating what is most important: do I shower? do I work? do I do the dishes and vacuum? do I update the budget? create my grocery list? walk on the treadmill or do yoga? do I do the laundry? do I eat? do I take a moment for ME and read or sew or anything else I have not done in... 4-ish months? I have to make a decision QUICK because I only have 1.5 hours to work with.
I am frustrated because I hoped to have a regular schedule reading my bible and spending time with the Lord. I thought somehow it would get easier being home more. But it hasn't. There is always something else and it is far to easy to let that vitally important task slip onto tomorrows to do list instead of todays. I feel guilty that maybe I should wake up earlier to fit this in.... Which is hard to do when you get up at 2am and 5am.
I don't like spending my evenings catching up on work or dishes or laundry instead of spending time with my husband. We desperately need to make time to connect. Another important moment that is far too easily overlooked.
I don't mean to complain. But this is where I'm at. Where I'm at is frequently frustrated. Wishing I could do it all. Wondering where my "super mom" powers are.
In all honesty... I love my little boy more than life and wish I felt the freedom to take a day and do nothing but snuggle.
Is this feeling part of the deal of motherhood?
So I am just praying for clarity... for peace... for more grace upon myself that I can be okay with a messy house or with things not going as well as I hoped. I want to be okay with life being a little chaotic or messy. It is okay. It is life.
