I will not be discouraged... yet.

I LOVE researching things on the internet and getting as much information as I can about topics I am obsessed with... one being getting pregnant.  I found this info on the average dpo for a first bfp.  VERY encouraging.  It says the average dpo is 13.6 to get a positive test, during a 14 day luteal phase.  So... until AF shows... I will not be discouraged!!

 http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Faqs/When-can-I-expect-a-positive-HPT-if-I-am-pregnant.html

The waiting game.

I am 12dpo (days past ovulation) and still getting BFN's (BIG FAT NEGATIVES).  I am thinking that we did not get pregnant this month, but I know I'm not out til AF shows.  I went to see the Dr. today and she is happy that it did indeed make me ovulate and says that we can try clomid as long as we want to... it is really up to us how much money we want to put in to make this happen.  I am happy staying with clomid for a few more months, considering it only cost us $6!!  She did say that IUI would probably not make much difference, because my bloodwork looks good and J's semen analysis looked good too.  One thing we might do if this month doesn't work is an HSG.  This is where they check to see if your tubes are blocked.  If my tubes are blocked with scar tissue or whatever, then I could be ovulating, but there is too much resistance to get the sperm and egg together.  This would clear out my tubes and see if there was any blockage.  She also said insurance typically covers this, which is good.  I would like to do that before doing any other medication.  So... still waiting.  Hopefully I will know in a matter of days if we can expect a little one in 2010 yet or not.

A Beautiful Sight

This... my friends... is a BBT chart showing ovulation on day 16!!  16!!  This is amazing for me!!!!!  Can you tell I'm EXCITED!?!?!  I know you love knowing these intimate details of my life... and I realize that by sharing this, I am also sharing WHEN I would know if we were pregnant or not.  But I have come to the decision that if you are reading this blog you are near and dear to me and would be one of the FIRST to know if it happened.  For most of the world I would wait until we were out of the first trimester, but for my best buds, I am okay with sharing our joy with you... and of course asking for your prayer.  :-)

Need some peace.

Ugh... needing some prayers today.

Pregnancy announcements are ALL over right now... and I truly am happy for those people, but every time it is like a punch in the gut that it is not happening for me.  I just feel discouraged... sad.  I just need to find strength from someone other than me. 

So... with all that - I just need prayers for TRUST and PEACE.  I just wish it were easier.  I guess every day is different...  and today I just need some extra prayer. 

I LOVE ALL OF YOU. :-)

Needing patience.

Every once in awhile something happens and I find myself super frustrated that getting pregnant hasn't been easy for us.  Learning today at church of more people who weren't trying, but ended up pregnant just feels like a punch in the gut to me today.  I yelled out "Why is it so easy for everyone but us???" (clearly not a true statement).  But my wonderful husband says, "Because God's plan is different for us!"... *grumble grumble*.  My time will come.  I just need an extra dosage of patience right now.  The end of this month is feeling weird to me.  It marks when I would be due if I had actually had gotten pregnant when we first started trying.  I remember starting to try and then realizing that the Fundraiser Gala at work would be just a couple of weeks later and thinking *this might not be the best idea, but oh well*... well - I guess Access doesn't have anything to worry about because this time is upon us and no pregnancy yet!  Okay, I am done complaining for now. :-)  I got my 5 minutes of complaining out and now I am done.

In other words, clomid seems to be working!!  I am not 100% certain yet (I should be tomorrow if I discover my temps are still high), but I am pretty sure I ovulated on Friday... which is CD 16... which means I will possibly have a 30 day cycle... which is UNHEARD of for me!!!  I usually don't ovulate until day 30!!  So - I am thrilled with that.  Now, I just need to wait to see if clomid worked its magic to make us pregnant.  But honestly, even if we're not, of course I would be disappointed, but at least I know it makes me ovulate, which is joyous news (in Jordan's words).  :-)

Anyway... I have taken up sewing to pre-occupy myself and pass the time.  You can learn about my very first sewing project HERE.  I am pretty proud of it... and excited about this new crafty venture. 

That is all!  Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

My very FIRST sewing project!!

I have had the crafting itch for quite awhile.  I love being creative, but just didn't really feel like I had a creative outlet.  But I've been fascinated lately with the home-made items I see on Etsy all the time... and started thinking that I could make some stuff of my own.  Being creative, but able to make stuff that is useful.  So - a couple of weeks ago I bought some fabric and was going to start sewing (what - I don't know!) only to find out that my grandmother's sewing machine that I have no longer works... or at least needs repair that costs more than I was willing to spend on a 40 year old machine.  So I was in the market for a new sewing machine.  After some research, I finally decided on the Brother CS-6000i.  This does WAY more than I need right now, but I hope to get better at this sewing thing and want a machine that I can learn and grow with.  This seemed to be the perfect fit.

My machine came in on Thursday and I was so eager to start using it!  I love this little guy.  It is computerized, which seems high-tech, but I think it has made the learning curve easier for me.  It is very straight forward to use and because it is digital, it has already *beeped* at me to warn me of my errors that could potentially mess up my machine (whoops).  It has different error codes for different problems, so that takes out a lot of the guess work as to what I am doing wrong... which really helps a beginner sewer like myself.  It has 60 stitches and came with a walking foot for quilting and other quilting accessories.  Quilting is really what I want to do, so I was thrilled with this.

I started my first project on Saturday and just finished it up this afternoon!!  I have NEVER really sewn before and I have a HUGE learning curve, but I am proud of this little guy and how much I have learned in the process of making it.

I made a quilted place mat or whatever you want to call it. :-)  I figure if I want to quilt, I should start small.  No use messing up a big project.  Haha.  So this is my first project.  I learned a ton and messed up a lot and used my seam ripper more than I have in the rest of my life combined, but I am happy with the finished product - considering this is my first time sewing almost ever (with the exception of a poorly made dog bed for Macy). 

I did not use my walking foot for this project, but just a regular stitch that is on my sewing machine.  I used a VERY low loft batting, because I didn't want to overwhelm myself and make it difficult to manage.  So it isn't very thick, but it is still nice.

 Quilting in straight lines was hard for me... but I know that just takes practice.  Also, the binding was difficult for me.  I have never done a slip stitch before, so I did some googling and taught myself.  I need practice a this too, especially the mitered corners, but am happy with how this turned out.

P.S. I should give credit where credit is due. I found this tutorial at Moda Bake Shop. LOTS of awesome projects there!!

Enough.

So I've been wrestling with a few things lately.  I feel like I am being challenged in new ways and it is good, but hard.  For various reasons, I am feeling the weight of how LITTLE control I have over life and my future.  In the middle of all of this... the frustration, confusion, unknown... I find God poking and prodding at my heart and asking me, simply "Am I enough?... if, for some reason, you are not able to have any of this, will you let me be enough?".

Ouch.

That question is just ringing in my heart right now - will I let God be enough to fill me if my life doesn't go as I "plan".  If for some reason the cards I have been dealt is not exactly what I hoped or dreamed, will I let God be enough??  God alone is enough to fill me... everything else is a gift and blessing from God, but God is enough.  I need to embrace that and seek out God harder than ever before.  This question is heavy on me for many reasons... first is the terrifying thought that God could actually ask me to let him be enough and to not receive certain things I desire... and the second is the joy in knowing that God has the ability to be enough for me!!  I need to let his spirit fill me and stop trying to find value in other things.

SO... heavy thoughts to start the week  Sorry about that.  :-)  But important, I think... regardless of what you have or don't have.  Every day I realize more and more how God truly is the only one who can fill me and everything else will only disappoint.  I don't know why I keep trying to find replacements for God in my life.  Part of the journey I guess. :-)

Enough.

So I've been struggling with a few things lately.  I feel like I am being challenged in new ways and it is good, but hard.  On one hand, there is the frustration of trying to get pregnant and month after month still not.  But I feel like my anxiety and worry is under control now... I am trusting, and I am not afraid.  I feel more frustration as I want to make plans for my life and feeling like I can't do that.  I have no idea what my life is going to be like in a year.  Will I have a child?  Will we be paying for fertility treatments?  Will we be seeking adpotion?  I have no idea. I see my friends moving on in life in many ways... having kids and getting pregnant, and I can't help but feel that I am missing out... that I no longer have something to contribute to the conversation... or that it is somehow awkward.  I love that they are experiencing this... but in all brutal honesty, I am sad that I am not able to experience this with them.  I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, but just wanting to be honest about what God is doing in my heart right now.

In the middle of all of this... the frustration, confusion, sadness, unknown... I find God poking and prodding at my heart and asking me, simply "Am I enough?... if, for some reason, you are not able to have any of this, will you let me be enough?".

Ouch.

That question is just ringing in my heart right now - will I let God be enough to fill me if my life doesn't go as I "plan".  If I never give birth to a child, if my friendships change, if this is the cards I have been dealt, will I let God be enough??  God alone is enough to fill me... everything else is a gift and blessing from God, but God is enough.  I need to embrace that and seek out God harder than ever before.  This question is heavy on me for many reasons... first is the terrifying thought that God could actually ask me to let him be enough and to not receive certain things I desire... and the second is the joy in knowing that God has the ability to be enough for me!!  I need to let his spirit fill me and stop trying to find value in other things.

SO... heavy thoughts to start the week  Sorry about that.  :-)  But important, I think... regardless of what you have or don't have.  Every day I realize more and more how God truly is the only one who can fill me and everything else will only disappoint.  I don't know why I keep trying to find replacements for God in my life.  Part of the journey I guess. :-)

Anyway... otherwise, things are going great. :-)  I finished clomid with little to no side effects.  I should know if it worked in the next week sometime.  Yay!!

God is good!

We have so much to give praise to God for!  My parents (Mom especially) have had a rough couple of years health-wise.  And it is all just really odd and frustrating things.  First of all, she was diagnosed with central serous retinopathy.  I don't fully understand what this means, but according to Wikipedia "the disorder is characterized by leakage of fluid in the central macula, which results in blurred or distorted vision".  So, it greatly tampers with her vision and without treatment has the potential to only get worse until she cannot see at all (an awful thought).  So - she has been getting regular treatment for this, including shots in her eye (eek!) and laser surgery, etc.  In the midst of all of this, she has been getting annual biopsies of her thyroid.  Her last biopsy came back with "suspicious cells" and because of this the doctor recommended that she just get her thyroid removed completely.  My mom didn't like the idea of this, but after talking with numerous specialists decided it was the best idea in case they did find cancerous cells.  SO... this brings us to the praise!!!  She had her thyroid removed on Monday and recovery is going very well.  She also got a call yesterday that the test on her thyroid came back benign!  This is great news!!  We are thankful that that worry is over, but she still has quite a road ahead of her to take care of the issues with her eye.

Ugh - just typing all that makes me exhausted!!  I know this road hasn't been easy for my parents, but they are so optimistic and praising God for his goodness regardless of what happens.  If you think of lifting them up in prayer - please do!

This weekend Jordan and I are going down to see my parents, and Ben and Krista are coming up from Tennessee. It will be GREAT to see them and I'm sure there will be lots and lots of games and cards.  I am so looking forward to it!!

Clomid Day 1 & 2

Well I started Clomid on Monday night!  I decided to take it at night just in case there were any side effects, I would hopefully sleep through most of them.  I had to do that when I was on birth control pills too.  So far the only side effect is just feeling really hot.  I guess I can't say if this is a for sure side effect or me just not being used to the WONDERFUL warm weather.  But I've been kind of sweaty and sticky and hot at night and throughout the day.  Not like hot flashes... just overall hot all the time.  But other than that I feel great!!  I know a gal who said she was a mad-woman on clomid and it made her so moody.  I don't feel moody... but I do have 3 days to go yet, so that could be yet to come. :-) 

I am supposed to ovulate 5-10 days after taking my last pill... which would be possibly my shortest cycle *ever*.  Hopefully this works to get my body what it needs!!

Thanks a ton for all your prayers and support. :-)

Good music for a good cause

In case you don't know - Jordan has been part of a band for the past year called "Those Eighty Acres".  You can find them on Facebook, MySpace, and Bandcamp (where you can actually hear all of their music)!

Anyway - I am super excited and proud of them.  They had their CD release in December and have been playing all over the city (and state... and soon-to-be country!) ever since.  Tonight they are doing a show at Billy's Lounge to raise money for the American Red Cross.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when artists do shows for a good cause.  That may have something to do with the fact that I am in the non-profit world and know that anytime you can mix fun and fund raising is a for sure good thing.  So I love that they are doing this and hope that they will continue to find ways to support the GR community with good music and awareness of good causes.

Of course I love to see Jordan doing what he loves.  He is a happy happy man when he is playing his guitar. :-)

So all that to say - if you have tonight free... go to Billy's Lounge and check these guys out.  Or at LEAST check them out on March 25th when they play at Founders.

Never been so happy with insurance in my life...

I am so pumped.  I picked up my clomid today... preparing myself to cough up the $80 - not knowing how much insurance would cover.  I go to pay and I paid $6.03 for the whole thing!!!! Yippee!!

So I start on Monday and am a little nervous about possible side effects... but it will be oh so worth it in the end. :-)

Day One

Well, lovely AF (Aunt Flo... aka... my period... you'll get the TTC lingo down eventually...) arrived today.  I was *slightly* hopeful that this month would be the month and we wouldn't have to go on to any fertility drugs... but God has other plans. :-)  I could feel it coming on last night and gave my self a mini pity party... frustrated thinking WHY can't this just happen normally for me???  But this morning I'm over it and really just trying to TRUST in God's plan... knowing that God is sovereign... he has already written the details of my life and this is his story for me.  So I accept it.  And I am hopeful for next cycle.  Funny thing this cycle (as I give the intimate details) was that I had NO spotting.  Weird.  I always have spotting for like 4-5 days before AF and usually AF is like a week long.  I guess AF decided to be especially cruel this month - tricking me into thinking that I could possibly be pregnant, because there was no spotting even at 12dpo... but no such luck.

Good news this month is that I start clomid on Monday.  I'm supposed to keep on doing by BBT charting and see if this will actually help me ovulate.  I'll have more bloodwork and testing after I ovulate to check my hormone and progesterone levels and all that fun stuff.  We'll try it for a few months (MOST women who get pregnant on clomid do so within 3ish months) and then move on to bigger and more expensive things! 

I'm so glad my doctor recognizes that we clearly need help conceiving and isn't making me wait til June.  We are at 9 months of trying right now.  I learned this the other day too... 

Definition of Infertile: Not able to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception. 

I am praying that THAT definition will never apply to me.  I so appreciate your prayer... right now I'm just praying that clomid would work.  I would be THRILLED if it just made me ovulate sooner than cycle day 35.  If this actually gave my body what it needed to get pregnant... that of course would be amazing.

As for other things in life... I am excited to see my parents, sister, and brother-in-law next weekend down in Indy!  I am also very very busy with things at church.  I've joined a women's bible study that is really challenging me and my spiritual discipline.  Just awesome.  I'll probably write about that another time. :-)

Love you all!