it started on Monday

Before I tell the real story, I have to tell the back story.  The prompts and nudges by God that lead us to change our mind.  To ask different questions, and once again, pray about why we are doing this and what does God have for us.

It seems that the initial decision to adopt was even easier than this one.  The special needs program in China pulled my heart strings.  No, YANKED them.  As I was looking at the faces of the cleft kids and club foot kids and heart kids, I literally felt like God was telling me I was looking into the face of my future child.

When we were discussing whether or not to adopt, the question was never where.  We hardly discussed that, amazingly enough.  It was always China.  Always special needs (which the term is more loosely used in this context than how we say it in America.  Any additional medical need is considered "special needs").

And, it's China.  We assumed there were girls upon girls waiting.  We, too, believed that the effects of the one-child-policy in China were still rampant and that there were baby girls just waiting for families.  I read blogs upon blogs of families who had adopted from China, and at that point, most of them had adopted girls.  This gave me a vision for what this might look like, and I started to dream of adding a daughter to our family.  Also, we have two boys already.  This also seemed like a no brainer.  As we were submitting our application, we checked "girl".  Again without discussion (which seems crazy to me now, but God has His own timing for things).

Until we started getting emails from our agency.  "There is an urgent need for parents to adopt boys, but you will wait 6-9 months for a girl."

An URGENT NEED.  It is boys who need families. The orphanages and foster homes were not overflowing with girls... but boys.

It wasn't the difference in wait time that bothered me.  Our documents had already been in China for nearly 3 months.  I was fully prepared to wait longer for a referral.  In fact, the timeline moving closer scared me a bit.  But email after email came in expressing the fact that boys are waiting for families, while families are waiting for girls.

the adoption of boys, lwbcommunuty.org

Ugh.  My heart.

You see, I have two boys.  Two rowdy, incredibly active, sometimes defiant, but always sweet and up for a snuggle, all-out-boys.  I love having boys.  I really really do.  From what I hear, having boys is very different from having girls.  In fact, more than once people have told me "God knew what he was doing not giving me boys, or only giving me one".... I never quite know how to respond to that, because as much as they exhaust me, it is a pure pleasure to raise men.  And man, I wrestled in a huge way with the fact that boys were waiting, and we were saying NO based on the fact that they are boys, when I had two boys I adored right at home.

So, the conversation started even before our dossier was done.  But it is hard to let go of something you have been dreaming about.  I even have a bag of girl clothes in the closet, because I snuck them out of the leftovers of our garage sale.  It has been the vision.  I just started to question, where this vision came from.  I started to pray, God, did you call us to adopt a girl, or did you simply call us to adopt from China?

We knew that if we checked "boy or girl" from the beginning we would be quickly matched with a  boy.  And this change in vision needed lots of prayer and time.  So we kept our application marked "girl" and prepared to wait and pray.

We waited for months, uneasy, and feeling a little lump in my throat every time I said we were adopting a girl, because it started to feel like when I said that, what I was really saying was that I was saying no to a boy.

In January, Jordan told me that he had been praying about whether we should adopt a boy or girl again.  This shocked me, because prior to that we had said that the vision of a daughter was what was given to us and we needed to pray.  But over the past month of prayer, we both came to think that the vision of a daughter wasn't necessarily of God.

One night, after discussing the possibility of changing our adoption to a boy, I was struggling to sleep and suddenly clearly remembered what started the seed of adoption in my heart.  I woke up and searched my blog, certain I had written about it, and I was right.  A video, I posted 3 years prior, about the plight of being an orphan boy.  I wrote at that point Just having a boy of my own, I can't imagine not loving many more boys. And I realized that is still true today.  The next morning I prayed as I showered (because when else do I get complete quiet and solitude?) and I just felt a huge sense of God telling me to trust Him with my family.  However that my grow.  However many children he has for me, it is already in His plan.  I can trust Him.   

You see, it might be crazy, but here is what I believe happened.  If I had been thinking "boy" all along, I'm not sure it would have lead me to China.  I associate China with girls.  In fact over 75% of families who adopt (in general, but especially in China) go there specifically asking for girls.  I was one of them!  The truth is, that now it isn't "girls" who are being surrendered for adoption in China so much as the special needs kids, and in that crowd, boys and girls are equal.  But boys wait, because more people are asking for girls.  So, I think God lead me to China before he lead me to a boy, because boys in China are waiting.

Now, I want you to hear me on this.  I do not believe that if we had stayed only choosing a girl, that it would have been wrong, immoral, or selfish.  I don't believe that at all.  So, those of you who feel God's call on your life to adopt a daughter, DO.  PLEASE do.  Right now, the way things are, yes you will wait for a daughter, but the only people who are adopting those girls are people who are specifying that they will only take a girl.  If you say boy or girl, you will get a boy with about 98% certainty (unofficial numbers I'm making up myself, but still).  I believe God can give you a vision for adopting a daughter.  This is just our journey... the way God guided our steps to lead us to who is supposed to be our child.  And it simply looks different than we had originally thought.

Over the past many weeks, we've prayed through this decision.  Talked.  I've asked for prayer from my closest friends, and asked them to call me out if I start sounding off or crazy.  And it eventually brought us to Monday.

We felt that we could both say that we truly didn't feel a tug either way, boy or girl.  We would be thrilled with either.  So we took a turn in our journey on a Monday.  We submitted our document on February 2, to say we would love to have either a boy or a girl.

That brings us to the following Thursday... (click to read the rest of the story).

praying for kisses.

Some days are harder than others.  Many days it is so easy for me to go about my life without recognizing that there is a third child out there somewhere.  The busy monotony of mothering a two and three-year-old make that easy.  But other days, like today, oh how I long for that child.  I long for her.  My heart aches for her.  To hold her, and love her, and bring her home.

Everything in me is ready for our family to grow.  And sometimes I wonder why God has us on this journey.  I love adoption and I am so thrilled to grow our family in this way.  But even now, it is hard.  Right from the beginning, it starts in the hard places.  A daughter somewhere on the other side of the world and I cannot love and kiss when I feel so compelled.  I feel pregnant with anticipation, yet, still so disconnected.  So different from bringing my other children into the world.  The same longing and love and eagerness to meet, but overshadowed by the dark circumstances that surround her current life.  My daughter doesn't know her mother.  She doesn't know that she will be forever loved.  I can't wait to tell her this, but right now it breaks my heart.

I often sit behind a family in church who recently brought a baby boy into their home.  Fostering him since he was days old, and I do hope he can stay with them forever.  I watch their whole family, parents and children alike, just shower him with kisses.  And I feel like I am watching the kingdom at work right before my eyes.  A holy love that cannot be explained by anything but an overflowing of the love of the Creator.  It is beautiful to watch.  But my heart still breaks that it has to be that way.  As heart-warming as it is to watch, I know that there will be no need for adoption and foster families in heaven.  We will all be perfectly loved and love perfectly in the presence of God.  But until then, we live it out the best we can on earth.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting behind that same family, with their beautiful child and watched this baby be doted on by the older children.  But the heart-warming feelings I had suddenly turned to sadness for me as I recognized, that, like this family, I have a child somewhere whose genes I do not share.  But my daughter is probably not being doted on and kissed and smothered and loved properly.  I don't even know if she is picked up when she cries.  My heart broke in an instant.  This reality hits me like a ton of bricks every now and then.  I found myself praying that she would be kissed.  Wherever she is, whoever cares for her.  Just kisses.  So now, when I am hit with the reality of the brokenness that she lives in now, I pray that she would still be receiving affection and kisses from those around her.

I just can't wait until it is me.  

If you happen to think of us and this crazy journey that we're on, we truly covet your prayers.  For us, yes, and our patience and sanity, but even more so, for our daughter.  She is somewhere in China, maybe or maybe not getting kisses and affection.  Her world is going to be rocked, and it is going to hurt.  Pray for her heart.  And pray that she would be kissed by someone who loves her, until it can be from her forever family.

DTC and a little fundraiser

I sat Jordan down the other day and said, "let's talk about what we're going to quit!!"

I only half meant it.  Truth is, this season has been overwhelming and I clearly see that I have taken too much on my plate.  Thus, the lack of updating here.  But, the good news is that many of the projects I have had going on are ending, and so I am looking forward to a much more relaxed holiday season!

The most exciting news I have... we are finally DTC (dossier to China)!!!!  Our LID (Log In Date) was officially two days ago on the 18th, which basically means we are completely eligible to be matched with a child.  We are only waiting for our time to come.

The waiting is a hard lesson for me.  It reminds me of the 2 week wait while trying to get pregnant... month after month, wondering if I'll get that positive test (or phone call!).  The difference here is that I KNOW I will get that phone call some day.  It just probably won't be for another 4-7 (or more) months.  (That is the timeline we are looking at.)  I feel in limbo and out of control, which is a common theme in adoption and parenting in general.  But that waiting feeling makes me all squirmy and want to fight it.  I keep finding things to be anxious about or things that I must want to change, because simply WAITING and being still, well, that's just too hard.  But... just like I believe with all my heart that God allowed me to get pregnant and give birth to just the right boys he picked out for me, the same goes with our China baby.  At just the right time, I will get that phone call about just the right baby for our family.  I believe that.  But patience is hard.  

What's hard about waiting is that I forget that I am HERE and NOW.  I am looking forward to the next thing, the next season, the next change.  I can become obsessed with it to the point where I am not grateful for today.  I'm conscious of this, and actively trying to change this.  Being more present, and being intentional to remember and write down what I loved about today.  I always want to be hopeful for the future, but live my today.  Because, really, that is all that I am guaranteed.

In the meantime - we are having an auction to raise funds to bring our baby girl home!!  Unfortunately, unlike giving birth, there is no health insurance that will cover the many expenses that come along with adoption. We are looking at a bill of over $30,000 to cover agency fees, home study fees, government processing fees, education fees, travel expenses, and more. We have saved up as much money as we can, but we still realize that we will not meet that $30,000 mark without help. We see this auction as a way to let our friends and family get involved in a fun, tangible way.  It starts in a week, so go ahead and take a peak at what has been donated so far!  We've been so blessed by so many friends stepping up and helping out.

If any of you are interested in donating, please email me (link should be to the right)!  Otherwise, have fun shopping!!

about those bumps in the road.

I suppose no adoption process is complete without ending up in tears at the secretary of state's office.  This week has been a struggle.  We've had some major paperwork drama in the adoption department and I've just found myself extremely frustrated.  And exhausted.

I knew this process was most likely not going to be a smooth and easy ride.  Everyone told me to expect bumps.  Expect resistance.  Expect battle.

I have a little one in China somewhere, and even though I don't know what she looks like or her name, I have a Mama Bear instinct that is already kicking in.  And it feels like I am fighting for my child.

While I am most definitely frustrated with having to deal with the consequences of issues that arise, I'm mostly frustrated by the lack of peace I have when I get all worked up like this.

There is so much more to this battle than what is on the surface.  There is a battle of flesh, but there is a battle of spirit.  I know that Satan hates redemption.  He hates adoption.  And he thrives in chaos.  Oh, how often I forget that my God is about peace.  And that HE is sovereign.

That doesn't mean that I have to like what is going on.  But it does mean that in everything, I can present my requests to the one true God, and claim a peace that passes understanding.

It is still a choice to surrender.  The Lord wants our daughter home.  I believe it.  I don't believe it is for no reason that he called us to this.  So, I'll trust in His ultimate plan and His timing.  And if that means that it takes longer than I would like, so be it.  Cuz, Lord knows I would have had her home yesterday.  And if not, I still am so so very blessed.  No matter what, I have every reason to live in gratitude.  Heart, please don't forget that.

I posted something on instagram about this battle of paperwork I was dealing with, and one friend encouraged me, write it all down.  Your daughter will want to hear about the battle for her soul one day.

It felt like a word from the Lord.  Maybe not.  But I need to hash this out instead of bottling it up.  I'm an external processor and this is my online abode.  So, my journey will be documented here.  And as you read, I ask you to please pray.  Pray for peace for my worried Mama heart.

Pray that the officer at the USCIS that we are assigned is gracious and has a passion for uniting families and will not be nit-picky about minor issues in our home study.

Pray that I'd remember to fight frustration with gratitude.

Pray for the health and safety and heart of our sweet China girl, who I believe has a beating heart somewhere on the other side of the world.


Adoption Timeline Update:

Home Study Approved - August 7, 2014
I800A mailed - August 25, 2014
Michigan Documents Certified - Sept 16, 2014
Discovered Home Study was a rough draft and contained no edits, so new home study printed and overnighted to USCIS (yes, this happened) - Sept 17, 2014