day 3 :: free friendship

Tonight we sit on her couch, face to face for hours.  A friendship of nearly 10 years can easily be picked up where we last left off, even though it has been months since we've connected.

This is my favorite place to be.  Maybe add a cup of tea or a glass of wine to the mix, and this type of night is perfection to me.

There is no need for small talk, and we get right to the point.  Catching up on the events of the summer, we realize that we find ourselves in the same place, once again.  We're tempted by a try-hard life.  We're suffocating.

It would be easier for me to decide to move overseas and be a known and respected missionary at this point in my life, I say.  Or adopt.  Or do something big and drastic.  I might feel like I earned it then.

But simply accepting grace and serving my husband and my family in love.  Seeking Christ-likeness in the depths of my heart.  Abiding and loving well.  Right now, in the mundane of a stay-at-home-mom, that is my hard work.  It never feels like enough.

So, we sit and we work through our dirty hearts.  It's all on the table.  And it's beautiful.  I'm not exactly sure why, but there is hope found here.  We're not simply airing our dirty laundry for each other.  We're not complaining or comparing.  We want better.  We want more Jesus and we know that true friendship involves intercession.

Then in so many words, she says, freedom was never ever about rules.  Never about being good enough.  In Eden, the only rule was to not eat of the tree.  Yet somehow, today, we feel like grace isn't enough.

I sing the words, your grace is enough.  But my heart is too often not caught up in His love.  It's caught up in my works.

Why is it so hard for me to live in grace?  Why is it so hard for me to live based on what God has done for me, as opposed to what I can do for him?  There is a stark difference between the two.  One road leads to captivity, and the other to freedom.

But tonight, this friendship feels like freedom.  Because the love of Christ is all over it, and that is where freedom is found.

A free friend does not compare.  Does not criticize.  Does not condemn.  A free friend loves.  Hopes.  Prays.  A free friend will direct you back to Christ in the most kind way, because she knows that it is the Lord's kindness leads to repentance.  A free friend does not enable captivity.  They are a breath of fresh air.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we know, when two or more are gathered in the name of Christ, he is there.  Friendships built upon Christ should lead to freedom.

Am I a life-giving friend?  Or do I enable my friend's captivity?  I sure hope and pray that along with the love of Christ, my friends find such freedom with me.

This is day 3 of a 31 day series "Finding Freedom".  Check here for more posts in this series.

Day 2 :: uncovered

This is a dangerous journey to be on.  The journey of discovering the hidden areas of our heart that need a little (or a lot) loosening.  Areas that have weighed us down and kept us silent for so long, about to break free.  The enemy wants none of that to happen.  

In bible study this past week, a friend stated that she felt like she finally had some wisdom and insight into some strongholds in her life that she wasn't aware of before.  You would think that this revelation would bring some relief and freedom in and of itself, but instead she felt the opposite.  The enemy was livid and she felt spiritually drained and attacked rather than enlightened.  

I have felt the same way.  Ever since that late-night decision to blog my way through this, I've once again felt frozen.  Insecure.  Thoughts such as, I don't want people to think I think I know anything about this.  What if I say the wrong thing.  What if I share too much and people judge me.  Who am I to talk about freedom, you captive, you.  Who am I to say anything at all.  

But, freedom doesn't keep us silent.  So I am going to press on.

I'm praying that through this journey, the spirit would make me aware of the hidden areas in which I need freedom.  The areas where pride has snuck in, or insecurity has tainted.  This process of uncovering our strongholds is not easy, nor is it fun.  But it is so necessary.  Because remaining in captivity ruins us.  It strains our relationship with the Lord, and can devastate our life on earth.  It seeps into our marriages, our friendships, our ministries.  But the good news?  Freedom can shine even brighter in all of those areas.

I know this isn't going to be easy.  But I know that I am not alone in this.  This is the curse, this separation.  We can't help it, as this is our heritage.  A voice tells us that we don't need Him.  We can have it all.  Know it all.  Figure it out through worry or fear.  That this life is all there is.

I take that lie and eat of it. Time and time and time again.

Of course, not always consciously, but no one is beyond captivity. Especially not me.

As we begin to confess in Bible study areas in which we know we are held captive, there is a lot of head nodding and "amens" around the room.

I feel like nobody really likes me, they are just being nice. 

I size myself up to everyone else in the room.  

I'm angry all the time.

The success of my day is determined by the number on the scale.  

I just feel like a failure.

It comes down to the heart of the matter. And the heart is that, on our own, we are all prideful. We are not naturally humble. We all behave as if our world is all there is, whether by self-promoting or self-degrading.

But there is so much more.  Freedom is the fruit of Christ's saving work.  

In Beth Moore's book, “Breaking Free”, she highlights how the kings of Judah, even the most honorable, were not holy.  None were incapable of misleading or immune from pride.  We all need a supernatural savior to redeem us.

“We need more than a leader on our road to freedom. We need a Savior - One who keeps saving. Although we need to be saved from eternal separation from God only once, Christ continues His saving work in us for the rest of our lives.”

We are works in progress. We are not supposed to have arrived. We are not supposed to be perfect in this world, but God is continuing this work even still.  Praise the Lord, the secret of Christ has been revealed to us.  We know where our hope lies.

If you are like me, even this simple truth has a weightless air about it.

God is doing this work, it is not my works. And he cares enough to set me free. He cares more about my freedom than I do. This is a battle for my freedom, and I know how it ends. So, don't lose heart.

I am not alone in this battle for freedom from strongholds. Neither are you.

He is the reason we are on this journey in the first place. And he will see us to the end.


This is day 2 of a 31 day series on "Finding Freedom".  Check here for more posts in this series. 

31 days of finding freedom :: why freedom?

For the past couple of Octobers, I have loved following my favorite writers on this 31-days-of-blogging journey.  Last year I got serious about writing more about half-way through the month, so I missed it.  And I almost missed it this time.  If you haven't noticed, writing hasn't exactly been a priority in my life lately.  But that is about to change.  As of 11pm last night, I decided to jump on the band wagon.

For me, this is mostly about accountability.  Accountability to write, for one.  This is how I process.  My mind is a jumbled mess until I get it out in words, and then I finally feel free of my mind-chaos.  Writing every day will be challenging, but I am looking forward to putting my words out there again.

But more than accountability in writing, I am sharing to be held accountable to taking this journey of finding freedom seriously and deeply.  This is a journey I have been on for the better part of the last 6 or 7 months and I'm starting to feel a bit lighter.

Why 31 days of finding freedom?

Most simply put, the Lord desires us to be free.

He desired freedom for his Israelite children in Egypt and he desires for us today.  The purpose of Christ was to give us freedom from the captivity that sin puts us in.  We were slaves.  But we don't have to be any longer.

The problem is, even if we know Jesus, we are still human.  We are still prone to linger in captivity.  We still are tempted by the world, and from time to time, we give in.  We believe Jesus is real, but our spirits are still overwhelmed by the battle to give him all of ourselves.  And we need help.

This has been my journey for the past 6 or 7 months.  In all honesty, a large reason why I have been so quite here is because I felt captive to my own insecurities and strongholds.  By the grace of God, I feel much lighter in this part of my journey.  The strongholds, while still there, have loosened.  And at this point, I feel like it is time to share.

To let you know, I don't have a solid plan.  My posts are not planned out.  I have an idea of what I'd like to say, but it is going to depend on the day and what is on my heart.  Posts will include anything form freedom in motherhood, marriage, and friendship, or what we can learn about freedom from different people in the Bible, or the purpose of freedom, what freedom is and is not, and books and stories where I have grown in freedom.

This is my journey, and this is my month to share it.  So it might be messy, but Lord knows I do messy pretty well.

Join me, will you?

the battle with myself

It is true, everyone is fighting a hard battle.

The problem is, I think I often pick a fight with the wrong crowd.

I'm run-down, striving, irritable, and need someone to blame.  In all honesty, many times I choose to battle in my marriage.  Sometimes my kids.  Even sometimes my friends.  But most often, I battle myself.

The self talk.  I dwell on something that, in my mind, went wrong, or is inherently wrong with me.  And my mind spins and ruminates and dwells on how I must be a horrible friend.  I'm not a "good enough" Christian.  I'm lazy as a wife.  I don't have what it takes to raise these boys.  Whatever it may be.  My mind telling me to strive more.  Work more.  Be more.  Because what you are isn't enough.

When it comes down to it, that is the lie I believe far too often.  Day in and day out, it is far too often an attempt to "be enough" on my own.  Or at least an attempt to take steps toward whatever "enough" is in my mind.  

I rely on my own works.

But works doesn't save.  And I am not my own enemy.  

I'll say it again, I am not my own enemy.

Why, oh, why do I so often live believing I must be a failure.  I make idols of productivity.  Even of service.  Of being a great friend.  Of hospitality.  Those things become far too important to me.  And I'm never good enough in my own standards... so I strive and I strive.

If you remember, our battle is not against flesh and blood, but between what is unseen... between evil and the heavenly.  And my only battle is to choose Christ.  Truth.  Life.  Redemption.  Day after day.  

I need to choose truth for my mind, so I can speak it to my kids and my husband and bring life.  I need to choose life for my heart, so that I have confidence to act out of obedience even when fear seems to scream louder.  I need to choose redemption, so that I can own my heritage as a daughter of the king.

There is absolutely a time and a place to hold accountable thoughts and actions.  But when it comes right down to the beliefs we have about who we are, we are calling God a liar if we choose to believe that we must strive for more than he's offered through grace to be good enough.

I remember many years ago in pre-marital counseling they told us to remember,  your spouse is not your enemy.  This is a truth we have needed to repeat to one another time and time again.  I am not your enemy.

Most days, I need to be telling myself that too.  I am not the enemy.  I have been redeemed and am spotless... more than good enough.

Oh, how freeing that is.  My chest already feels lighter.  

Too often this has been paralyzing for me.  I dwell on my sinfulness as if I haven't accepted redemption.  I live in fear far too often.  The fear of being "found out" that I'm not as good as I pretend to be.  One of my favorite authors, Jennie Allen, wrote this blog post over a year ago.  But I stumbled upon it recently and it rang true.  She so truthfully says about our fear,

"Get over it. We are all about to be dust. Might as well live the stories God (the living, sovereign, lives forever, made us and the spinning planet we are sitting on….that God) wrote for us. Don’t miss your story because you are afraid of it not being great enough."

I'm ready to forget about being good, or great, by the world's standards.  Instead I will battle for truth in the smallest of ways.  Owning my least-ness, knowing that He will be made great.  Dwelling on truth.  Living out of thanksgiving.  And being an active participant in my own story, God's story, however good, great, or not-so-good, I am at times.


...

This is a on-going battle for me.  To choose to believe what God says about me as opposed to what the world, or my mind, tells me must be wrong with me.  I share, because I figure I must not be alone in this battle.  Another step in making this a place of honesty and vulnerability for me.

Lord, thank you for the gift of your heritage.  I choose to see myself as you do.  A valuable daughter, filled by the Spirit.  Redeemed.