Writing is a gift

I'm out of the practice of writing.  I can barely squeeze this out in 5 minutes.  But if I know one thing.  To be a better writer, just write. Write.  And write some more.  Keep coming back.  And that in itself is rewarding.

Writing has been a part of my life nearly as long as I could form letters and put them in order.  I remember as a 3rd and 4th grader, making books out of blank computer paper and creating story after story.  I started my first diary in 5th grade, and the habit never ended.  I have book after book after book filled with memories, raw emotions, questions, doubts, and answered prayers.  

I had mostly thought of writing as a selfish thing.  Not in a bad, fleshly way, but more as a habit that I do for myself and kept to myself.  I wrote an online journal before I ever read another person's blog.  It was still just for me.  All that changed when blogs entered my life.  I realized that reading others stories was encouraging and healing.  Their vulnerability encouraged me to be vulnerable and bold in my own writing.  

Last week, while visiting my sister and brother-in-law in Jamaica, I had the rare opportunity to start, and finish, a book.  So very rare in this stage of my life.  But I just devoured Anne Lammott's Bird by Bird.  She is hilarious, sarcastic, and so insightful into what it is to reap the rewards as a writer.  One chapter specifically, put a totally new spin on my perspective of writing.

She said, writing is a gift.

She told the story of how she kept record in words of the journey of her father's illness.  A book that he was able to read prior to his death.  She was able to do the same for a friend suffering through cancer.  A published book of their life together honoring her friendship and journey.  She, too, was able to read prior to her death.

I don't know why I never realized it before.  That my words, my stories and memories, could possibly be the most precious gift to my loved ones.

For me to record my journey as a mother, as a wife, as a follower of Christ.  To remember and honor God's goodness throughout my life and pass it along to my family, my kids, and anyone else whose life I may have the blessing of touching.  This is a gift that never fades, goes out of style, or is irrelevant.  What an inspiration!

I am beginning to see this as one of the greatest gifts I could ever give my kids.  And that is motivating.

if he says stay :: 5 minute Friday

This week I've been working through faith and works.  Really trying to figure out, what are these "works" that are the fruit of our faith?  Starting to feel the beginnings of a heart broken for what grieves God.  And feeling helpless.

We've prayed, Lord, do what you will with us.  And we pray it again and again.  Giving it up and saying it is all fair game.  And we wait.

I've learned that God tends to move slowly, not hurried, like the world that I live in or my human tendencies.  But he guides us through the process, waiting on him.  Giving us time to grow in trust.  

But in the waiting I'm overwhelmed by what I see.  Orphans and human trafficking and abortion and injustice of all kinds.  With broken heart I'm wanting to do something.  Although I do do something.  I give my money and my prayers, but I start feeling like what if that's not good enough.

And I'm convicted.  Like the rich young ruler who wants to get into heaven by his works, I'm tempted with the same.  I'm tempted by the mentality that my works change my standing with Jesus.  I'm tempted by the mentality that how publicly I seek justice and do works changes my worth to Him.  This is simply not true.  

I remember Jesus' words... when the rich young ruler was overwhelmed at the task before him, and feeling defeated, walked away.  Jesus says, “With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.”  Jesus knew that what he would tell the rich young ruler would be the last straw of an overwhelming load to bear.  A load far too heavy for a human back.  He knew that we would need Jesus to bring true and final justice.

So I lean into Jesus.  Choosing to believe that he sees just as much beauty in laying down my life for my kids on a daily basis as those in huts in Africa.  He sees beauty in the discipleship of small hearts.  In serving lunches and giving baths and wiping tears.  In reading stories that show of God's goodness throughout the ages.  Stories that tell that we are all in the same boat and far from what is required to live with God.  But the story of a God who loved us too much to let it stay that way.  

I learn in the story of the talents that God cares not about how many talents I am given, but the fact that I am faithful with what is before me.  

I am here.  Now.  Tempted to look to the future and take a peek into God's plan.  But that is only my sinful need to control and have knowledge that is not mine to have.  

But I am here.  A mom on her knees, seeking to please God with what is before me.  Two sweet boys that exhaust me and show me how self-centered I truly am on a minutely basis.  A wife to a husband who has the same dreams and the same open hands, offering up all that we have and are.  Knowing that if we are called to go, and do something wildly different than we imagined, we will go.  But also knowing that if this simple life in Grand Rapids, working, sharing life, raising babies, serving our neighbors, and taking every opportunity to glorify God in the mundane, we will also stay.  And we will glorify God all the same.

five minute friday :: afraid

A phrase I heard once that has stuck with me is simply stated that God doesn't give you grace for your worry, he gives you grace for your the moment you're in.

There is nothing that has caused me more joy, and worry, in life than being a mother.

With such a great gift and great responsibility leaves much to be lost.

There are times when I find myself obsessing over every little thing.  Kids meeting milestone markers.  Isaac's little flat baby head.  Jude not quite talking as much as other kids his age.  Google does not do me any favors.

In all reality, I know that my worries are miniscule.  Not life or death.  Not even the smallest hint for concern.  Simply me being an obsessive Mom.  And my mind just goes over and over and over things.  Google helps me to continue to ruminate instead of encouraging me to surrender my worries and my fears to the one who asks me to cast them upon Him.

It's struck me lately that worry and fear are easily one of Satan's strongest footholds in my life.  It's what consumes my mind instead of letting truth reign.

Yet, the word says fear only the Lord.

So, this is me surrendering my crazy ruminations.  Choosing to not be afraid.  But to live in confidence of a sovereign God.

STOP.

five minute friday :: cherished

Right now in my Monday morning Bible Study, we are doing another study by Jennie Allen.  We did Stuck about a year ago, and now we are doing Chase.

I love these ladies, but my plate has been full this season.  Full of good things, but not always necessarily the needed things.  I am always thrilled to meet with these ladies for fellowship and accountability, but in all complete honesty, I was viewing this study as just another thing to check off my to do list.  

I wasn't expecting it to speak directly to my heart, right from the get-go.  I wasn't expecting it to be just what I need in this season.

It's all about David.  And him being a man after God's heart.  Such a fallen man with adultery and murder on his resume.  But a man who loved God.  A man who was in love with Him.  Tunnel vision focused on Him.  Who embraced where he was and who he was and praised always and confessed always.  

I've only done the intro and the first week, but right away it asks me to examine where I find my identity.

My kids.

My friends.

My church.

My gifts and abilities.

My writing and my blog, even?

What am I chasing?  Why?  Do I use these things to define who I am? 

If I am feeling empty, insecure, and unfulfilled, chances are that I am.  Because these things never fill.  

A lesson I am learning over and over and over and over.  Even my good works don't fill.  

This is where I want to sit today.  Rest in this truth.  My ultimate identity is as a cherished daughter of the King. 

STOP.

Today I am linking up with The Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Friday.  One word.  Five minutes.  No editing, backtracking, or thinking too hard.