Another step forward.

What a wirlwind... I don't know what my body is doing right now.  I am 10dpo, but my body keeps acting like it is getting AF... but it is on and off.  I'll have heavy bleeding, then it will totally stop and there will be nothing... then bleeding again.  I don't know what is going on - but I guess that is to be expected after a miscarriage.  I have taken HPT's the past couple of days and they are all BFN's... to be expected.  I think I have it in my head that I can't get pregnant without clomid.  At least I don't expect to.  But the good thing is - I called my doctor today and he is putting me back on clomid right away!!  YAY!!!  I am so excited... I was really nervous that he was going to tell me to wait another cycle, but considering this one was 60 days I think it is pretty obvious I need it.  Especially with this crazy bleeding/spotting.  I am PRAYING that this month will be our month.  I am just thrilled to be on clomid again.

I am going to make some other changes in my life as we get back into the swing of things too.  First of all - I am going to try to start doing yoga every day.  Now, I don't think that this will be the trick to get pregnant, but I've read some research articles lately saying it can be somewhat beneficial.  I guess a lot of yoga moves gets your blood circulating all over your body - including your reproductive organs.  I have heard of people even "massaging" their uterus from the outside of their stomach to stimulate blood flow... supposedly that helps with your lining as crazy as that sounds.  Anyway - I think yoga could only help and do no harm... not to mention just the other health reasons as it is good to stretch and use it as a stress reliever.  I have been running lately, but now that I am on clomid again I won't be able to.  I plan to keep walking *briskly* and even do some incline work on the treadmill to keep up my aerobic activity without jostling my ovaries around.  It is so odd you can't really exercise while on clomid, but here is why:

"Some exercise is acceptable during treatment, but as the treatment cycle progresses only low impact exercise (walking) is recommended. The ovaries may become enlarged from the fertility medications you may be taking, and high impact exercise may put you at risk for ovarian torsion, where the ovary can twist on itself. This is very rare, but a serious side effect."

Yikes... so I am going to do what I can to avoid THAT from happening.  Some other things I plan on doing is drinking LOTS AND LOTS of water... continuing to take Evening Primrose Oil (the ONLY thing that helped with my CM... especially on clomid), taking B-6, and using OPK's as I did last time.  The first cycle on clomid I O'd on CD16 and the second on CD20.  Way way better than CD45.

I am soooo happy to be done with that first cycle after my miscarriage.  I feel that I am finally moving on (at least in the TTC sense) and being pro-active again.  If this month works, chances are we'll have an April baby.  I'm praying for that baby already in hope that I will conceive and meet him/her soon.

More truth.

We sang this song in church yesterday... and I understood it more deeply than I ever have before.  I am finding that lately - that scripture and worship rings truer in my heart in my desperation.  Not just words, and not even just praise... but truth and brokenness and promises.

Your grace is enough
More than I need

My thoughts... what does it really mean for God to be ENOUGH for me... something I have been challenged with for the past 6 months.  If nothing else goes my way, will I let God's grace be enough... because it has the ability to... and how do I do that??

And your word I will believe

A statement of commitment... I am realizing that throughout this journey I have truly struggled with unbelief... like, I know that God says he will carry our burdens... that he blesses those who wait, etc... but I haven't believed it... I have been overcome by fear, but this statement makes me realize that belief is a choice... and that I need to submerge myself further into God's word to get to know the character of God even deeper.

I wait for you
Draw near again
And your spirit make me new

This is where I am... waiting... knowing that when I draw near to God, he will draw near to me.  I will be the first to admit that I have been lacking in the "draw near" area lately... it has more been run away and hide than drawing near... but that is not the right response.

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

My promise... only a whisper right now, but I will fall... I need to stop trying to stand on my own, and just fall at God's feet and give up to his grace.  I don't know why I always live like my way is better.  It is not.  So I will fall at his feet and worship him... face down, exhausted, and ready to be emptied and filled again.  And I will worship, because he is here, he is sovereign, and he is God!

Alive.

It has been awhile since I've written, but I am here... alive and well.

Actually, feeling more full and alive than I have for a long time. I don't know what it is, but I think I have finally found some peace. I have come to a quiet in my soul where I know that God is a God of love, and not pain... and that he is the God that rejoices with me in happy times, and walks slowly with me in desperate times.

Today - I am letting go of my agenda and my idea of what my life should look like... I am letting go of my expectations of myself, people, and especially God... I am letting go of fear, worry, anxiety... and I am clinging to hope, peace, joy... and the way I have grown and will continue to grow throughout this whole experience. I will forever be changed by this, but that is what God had in mind all along right? He does nothing and allows nothing in vain, but for his glory.

I finally ovulated this week... I am 7dpo right now - so waiting another 5 days or so to test. This is panning out to be a 62 day cycle... lovely. If I do get AF, I am calling my doctor right away to get clomid. I can't wait another 62 days to start. I thought I was totally out of the running, but there is still hope for a March baby!

Pray for a sticky baby for me... and that my fear would continue to be replaced with hope and peace.

Where I am.

Oh Lord my heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not raised to high for Thee
I do not think on things to great or marvelous
Or matters too difficult for me

But I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child is my soul within me
I have calmed and quieted my soul
Like a weaned child with its mother is my soul within me

O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore
O Israel trust in the Lord
From this time forth and forevermore

Psalm 131 - as done by Waterdeep.

I feel like this past week I was able to calm and quiet my soul.  (P.S. if you have not heard Waterdeep's song of that verse - look it up!)  But, like a wave as we come back home I am reminded of my sadness... of my loss and my desperation for God. 

Jordan and I had some good conversations this past week about our situation, our loss, and our hope.  At one point I asked him if he thought I'd ever get over this sadness I feel over our loss. If pregnancy will somehow erase it and I really don't know.  He continued to say that he thinks that sadness and/or happiness is a choice I make.  I understand what he was saying... he has chosen happiness and to be positive and to move on from this.  I think what he doesn't understand is that this is a choice that I haven't needed to make once, but over and over and over... so much so that it is exhausting.  I am faced with this struggle and the need to choose optimism over my sadness.  I wish I could just decide it once and be done with it, but I can't.  It comes back.  It is my struggle to face right now... and I just hope I can respond in a way that brings glory to God... even in those moments when I lose and don't have it in me to stop being sad.

On the other hand, I have come to embrace and somewhat love that this is our journey... right here, right now.  It is these days that are critical in forming who I will be on the other side of this struggle... who I will continue to be as a wife, as a future mother, as a friend, etc.  God has us here for a reason and I firmly believe that.  I am not going to say it isn't painful - if you read this at all, you know it is difficult... but it is my story and my struggle.  But God is the author of my life and I trust him.  I may never understand why, but I know there is a reason why.

Anyway... I am still waiting to ovulate - and I think I probably won't this cycle.  Either that or it will be another of those 60 day cycles.  I took a pregnancy test today just in case and it was a BFN.  I hadn't taken a pregnancy test since I was pregnant last... it was kind of weird, but at least I know if I get a BFP it will be a true one (not some weird left-over BFP from the miscarriage).  I am counting down the days until the end of July so I can call my doctor and schedule an appointment with him and get back on clomid.  I think considering how outrageously long this cycle is turning out to be, there is a good chance we'll go back on clomid.  I just hope that my body responds just as well.  I am still praying for a spring or early summer baby for 2011. 

Psalm 139:16
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.