this is my boy

I see him peeking through the crack in the door to his bedroom.  Looking for any signs of movement from me.

He's been a Mama boy lately.  Wanting me and only me.  “Mama do it” he says.  The washing, the bed-timing, the clipping in the car-seat.  He wants me.

I can't say I mind one bit.

In that moment where those sleepy eyes peek through the darkness at me, I flash back to a moment when I so desperately wanted him.

Months of not getting pregnant.  Charting, testing, clomid, and nothing.  Months turned over to a year.  Our dear friends gathered around us one evening to pray specifically over this area of our lives.  Hands on us.  Begging God on our behalf.  For peace... and if it was his will, a child.   

I will never forget it.  I don't know that I've ever felt so loved in friendship than in this moment.  They stepped into our waiting and suffering.  This is love.  This is the body.  

And less than a year later we were given this child.  I truly don't think this was any coincidence.

This child that now gazes sleepily through paci and blankie.  All along the Lord knew it was him who we were to parent.  The waiting was hard, but this is my boy.  

I have loved ones who are in that same desperate place that I once was.  Waiting.  Month after month.  Aching.  I know the ache.  It breaks my heart.  

But sometimes I forget.  When I'm all wrapped up in myself and my frustration and MY MY MY.  I forget the goodness of the Lord.  It's easy for me to focus on what I'm lacking.  My default is worry.  But he tells me not to worry... he says in ALL things... with thanksgiving... to make my requests known.  

He answers.  He does.  

Part of thanksgiving is remembering.  So today... I'm remembering the days when there was no one calling me "Mommy" at 5am and no dirty diapers to change.  I'm remembering the desperation.  But most of all, I'm remembering the goodness.  And just as my friends stepped into my suffering and my want, I'm praying for you.

I can only hope that I could be the kind of friend that is wise enough to know when prayer is needed and doesn't hesitate to hold tight to hands and speak to our creator.  I know I'm far from it.  I'm still a work in progress.

But tonight, all of you are on my heart.  So, I'm praying for you.  Begging for you.

For peace... and for a child, when the time comes for you to meet the one who will call you "Mommy".  

It is a hard wait, I know.

Much love. 

Lately...

Lately...

... we have sold our house, bought another, moved in, and we are finally starting to make new memories.  I won't lie, I have had moments of serious sadness over leaving our old tiny home.  All the memories made there have left me choked up many times.  We weren't quite ready to move in yet (a lot our stuff was still at my parents home), but this past Thursday we were feeling the need to make our house "home".  We loaded the kids up and spent our first night there.  It still feels somewhat like we are invading someone else's space, but it is slowly becoming "home".

... Jordan and I celebrated 7 years of marriage.  Yesterday.  And he took me to my favorite restaurant the night before and looked me in the eyes and thanked me for "putting up with him" these past seven years.  And all I could think of was that he is the one who has put up with me!  Despite both of our shortcomings, I would still choose this man to do life with a million times.  His servant heart.  His hard work ethic.  His humility.  The way he chooses to partner with me so that, together, we can share Christ.  He makes me a better person.  And this kind of iron against iron isn't all sunshine and roses.  We butt heads.  We nag and we snip and we often save our worst, instead of our best, for each other.  But then we have each other to be forgiven by, again.  Be encouraged by.  And be unconditionally loved by.  I think that's what it is about.  

... I've committed to do "hello mornings" and am two days in.  Waking up before the boys to get my Bible on.  This is a habit that I'm already seeing the fruit of.  Waking up for my boys and getting my heart in check is so much better than waking up to them, half asleep.  Groggy.  Crabby.  Nobody wants a crabby tired Mama first thing in the morning.  

... I got a new rug from HomeGoods for way cheaper than I was expecting.  It's soft and cute and I adore it and it makes this house feel more like home.  Thankful for that.

... Jude is still singing Happy Birthday Dear Isaac Lee two months later, and I hope it doesn't stop.

... I'm needing to minute by minute choose trust.  And joy.  And hope.  And promise.  Otherwise I fall into stress and insecurity.  I am thankful for Psalm 106 and 107 that I read this morning that reminds me of the importance of REMEMBERING the Lord's goodness.  Practicing thanksgiving so that we can return the goodness as an act of praise.  This simply isn't my default, which is stress, insecurity, anxiety.  I'd rather choose joy.  

... audiobooks are my new favorite thing.  Between paper and audio books I have read 6 books in the past two months.  This would have NEVER happened without the whole "listen while you work" (or drive, or get ready in the morning, or watch boys in the sandbox) mentality I've taken on.  I just rented my first audio novel.  Seriously, this is a game changer for me.

... I really really hope to feed my writing appetite.  Starting now.  Please hold me accountable.

... so, really, it's been too long.  What are you all up to lately?