dear self.

Dear self,

Take a step back.  And don't take today so seriously.  Breathe.

Today is not a failure.  Just a part of the journey.

Surrender the day.  Accept grace.  And keep walking.

So, dinner wasn't on the table... hardly at all.  And maybe it consisted of graham crackers, cheese, fruit, and lunch meat.  They ate.  They filled their bellies.  Probably more so than if you had made that delicious chicken curry you intended to make.  Such is life.

Those convictions you feel to let go of some things.  To say no.  Pay attention to those.  And maybe give yourself more room to breathe.  Unplug more.  Say yes to those sweet blue eyes more.  Get on the floor and don't care about the dirt more.  But don't get down on yourself because you didn't do it today. This journey has just begun and as they grow, so will you.

That time you put Jude in a time out, mostly motivated by frustration and exhaustion?  It's okay.  Don't dwell on it and don't feel guilty.  Just live and learn.  Accept grace.  And maybe next time put yourself in a time out first.

Don't get your mind so wrapped up in the future.  It is unknown and always will be.  There is no predicting what will happen, what will be best, or what is even worth your energy thinking about.  Focus on what you know to be true.  Even the birds of the air do not sow and reap and your heavenly Father feeds them.  You will also be fed.  You will be given what you need for the moment.  You won't find grace and peace in your worry.  You will find grace and peace in your now.

Self, you are a good mom.  A good wife.  A good friend.  A good person in general.  You know this.  Don't believe the lies that sneak up.  Those little bouts of insecurity.  Remember that even most important than each of these things, you are a daughter of the most high King.  You have an inheritance in eternity.  And you are deeply loved.  Deeply.  This is where you will find your value.  This is where you will find your peace.  Your purpose.  Drink deeply of the Word of God.  Find a way to give the first fruits of your day devoted to knowing Him more.  I think you will greatly benefit by getting your day started in that way.

And go make your husband a sandwich for lunch tomorrow.  You know it blesses him.

Sincerely,

Me

what I'm loving now

I just gotta say it.  This sick season is starting to wear on me.

If not the boys, then me.

I find little more frustrating than being awake with a fever myself, while the littles sleep, knowing there won't be opportunity to make up for the loss later on.

Okay.  Complaining over.

Despite being cooped up inside, there are so many things I love about now.  In all honesty, my homebody self does not mind the lack of adventure much at all.  We've watched movies, colored, play-dohed, drank hot cocoa, read books upon books, had dance parties, and loads and loads of snuggles.

I'm loving these days how Isaac's sweet personality is coming out more and more.  He flat out adores his big brother.  While sitting with the two boys on my lap watching a movie this afternoon, Isaac kept leaning over and giving Jude the wettest open-mouth-baby-kisses.  Jude pushes him away, of course.  A dynamic that will surely be interesting to watch grow over the next months and years.

I'm loving how Isaac nuzzles into me after I get him up from a nap and just makes the sweetest coos.  So full of love.

I'm loving watching Jude grow in his vocabulary.  He's on the later side of talking, but I know he will get there.  He is busy being active and perfecting his hand-eye coordination.  But that little voice chanting "pizza! pizza! pizza!" when I told him what was for dinner tonight and making sure everyone, including "I-sey" has their meal just melts my heart.

I'm loving the 6 month Bible reading plan I'm doing with my hubs.  We've never read the Bible through together and I now think this is something every married couple should do at least once!

I'm loving thinking about the future, and trying hard to surrender instead of worry.  So much (good) potential as we think of our plans to move in the next year or two.  Where will we live?  What will schooling look like?  How many kids do we want to add to our family?  All of these have been the topic of conversation as we seek to make wise decisions.

I'm loving trying to take life a bit slower.  Practicing saying "no" to even some good things so I can say "yes" more to my family.  This is never time wasted.

What are you loving now?

what i'm thinking about :: simplifying

When I first got married and registered for all of our kitchen and house needs, I had no idea what I liked.  I had no style.  I was just dirt poor and people were giving me things I needed.  Everything we bought and registered for was the cheapest possible, because we were fresh outa college (well, I was still in college).  This was also a time where my wardrobe consisted of college sweatshirts and jeans.  Trust me, my tank and cardigan look from today is a tremendous improvement.

My style screamed college student on a budget.

Somehow, this resulted in me having a mostly red living room.

I really don't like red.  I have no idea how my living room color became dominantly red.  Because I've never liked it.  But, we have a giant red rug in our living room.  It was the cheapest rug we could find, so there you have it.

As I've grown up a bit, and as we've become a bit more established career-wise and financially, I've started focusing on the type of atmosphere I want to create in my home.  A place that is peaceful, joyful, has walls filled with memories and scripture, and allows for my kids to be kids while still reflecting my grown-up style.  I can tell you it doesn't involve a red rug.

But, we plan to move soon.  So, I don't want to re-decorate a house I don't intend to live in for more than a year or two.  But I'm making slow changes and adding more me into the little things.

Such as, dishes.

I got some pretty white dishes from my Mama for Christmas.  The kind that go with everything and have a fresh clean look.  As opposed to the brown, tan, and red dishes I had before (seriously with the red!)  And truth be told, about 42% of my old dishes were broken, cracked, or chipped in some way.  I welcomed the replacement.  (And everyone in the household knows to be extra careful with these ones.)

But, I only received one set to begin with.  I had to wait a couple weeks for the rest.  Still, I eagerly packed away my old dishes and filled my cabinets with four new bowls, plates, and coffee mugs.

And let me tell you, those four little place settings taught me a lesson.

We don't have a dishwasher, so I don't know why this never crossed my mind before.  Having an unnecessary twelve place settings leaves room for a lot of dirty dishes and a lot of clutter.  Suddenly, only having four place settings, the clutter was gone.  I was forced to use less, wash more.  But the washing took almost no time at all.

Amazing!

I know this isn't rocket science.  But this little example hit it home to me that less is more.  Simplifying makes room for more peace.  Less chaos.

I've now decided that I'm going to take this approach as I think about creating the atmosphere of my home.  Simplify.  When the rest of the dishes came in, I left one set in storage.  A family of four with two who do not use Mama's favorite dishes do not need a set of twelve in the cabinet.

Also, when I choose my kids clothes for the next season.  Simplify.  There is absolutely no reason a two-year-old needs four pairs of jeans and 15 shirts.  If I do laundry daily or even every other day, we can get by with less.  Also, this means that my laundry piles aren't near as big and I'm more likely to tackle them when the task isn't so daunting.  Win-win?

More peace.  Less chaos.

More space.  Less clutter.

I'm going to allow this to be a theme in my life moving forward.  I can be queen of over-complication.  It's the little things that add up to the big thing.  The little moments of just doing the next thing that add up to the less chaos.  Just do those two dishes.  That one pile of laundry.  Take those 15 minutes and de-clutter your kitchen.  Or don't.  Maybe color with your kids instead.  Or have a dance party.  Whatev the moment calls for.

I don't want to let over-complication paralyze me, but instead look for ways to simplify my days.  I'm thinking somewhere in there is more peace and more joy.

when that Mama-bear side shows up

Today was the first real snow of winter.  The kind where it actually sticks to the ground and makes crazy people like my hubby giddy and realistic people like me terrified of the roads.  

In all honesty, I should have just stayed home.  But I hadn't seen my Monday morning Bible study gals in weeks due to the sickness that overcame my boys, and I was feeling antsy to see another four walls.  

And of course, it's never as bad as my mind makes it out to be.  Suck it up, Lindsy.

Only it was that bad.

Getting on the eastbound highway, cars are going 10 miles per hour.  I soon see, and count, ten cars on the side of the road and in the ditch going westbound.  Soon to follow are about ten other cars spinning, crashing, and flying through the median.  Including a semi which was skidding perpendicular to the road and a pickup truck plowing through the median as if it were another lane.

I was shaking.  Praying fiercely that God would keep us safe.  Probably terrifying my kids as I sternly lectured each car to stay the heck away from me.

All was fine for us.  I took the next exit off the highway and slowly drove the rest of the way home.  Missed my Bible study gals, but arriving home safely was enough accomplishment for me to consider the day a success.  We celebrated with a Thomas the train movie and hot cocoa.

Being a Mama has revealed a protective mama-bear side to me.  I remember being pregnant with Jude and being absolutely livid while driving that people were being careless on the road.  Because I was pregnant and my body was doing its best to protect my child and anyone who would do anything to put my child at risk was going to hear from me.  

That same pregnant Mama-bear rage found me in the face of a guy who seemed to think it was a good idea to smoke weed while standing next to me at a concert.  Me, being large, hormonal, probably 33-34 weeks pregnant, and absolutely flabbergasted at this guys idiocy if he thought I was going to stand by and let my unborn child second-hand breathe in that poison.  Yes, he heard from me.

The hormones have calmed down, but not much has changed.  These little lives were given to me as a gift and I will passionately advocate for them.  Anything to keep them safe.  And one day, I know they will be the ones terrifying me with their own decisions.  But I don't have grace for those days yet, so we just won't think about that.    

But when you see me driving 25 miles per hour on the highway, know that it's because I love my babies.  

Okay, I'm not that slow.